So this isn’t an easy post for me to make, but self-awareness is the first step. I see women post all the time about husbands with “weaponized incompetence,” but honestly, I feel like I’m the one who might have some flavor of that , not him. I’m the one falling short on tasks, leaving him unsupported, and it makes me feel like shit.
Maybe not weaponized incompetence in the classic sense, where men act clueless so their wives give up and do everything, but something adjacent to it.
For context, we’re 30F/32M, with a 10mo old baby, and in the middle of selling a house, which is hell on its own, made even worse with a baby and three batshit cats who have to be crated at a moment’s notice for showings. We are both self-employed / work from home and split her care pretrh equally.
I truly consider us equal parents, especially since she is formula-fed. He is devoted, hands-on, never “babysits,” and doesn’t need a 45-page manual to manage the baby while I run errands.
We both have ADHD (same meds, even), and our primary shared love language is sex/physical touch. There’s zero disconnect there, that’s where we both feel most connected, expressive, and safe. But outside of that, my husband’s other main love language is acts of service , and not in some patriarchal “get in the kitchen” sense, but because he lives with severe chronic pain. (If you’re curious, google trigeminal neuralgia, it’s brutal, and he’s had three shoulder surgeries from high school wrestling that never healed properly.) It’s real, debilitating, and I want to help him in practical ways to make his daily life easier.
The problem is that my ADHD, even on meds, makes that so hard. Especially in the chaos of selling the house. His Aries ass will rapid-fire list off 8 to 10 tasks, and while I’m working on Task #4, he’ll suddenly announce Task #8 is urgent. So I pivot to that, and then Tasks 1 to 4 end up half-finished or forgotten, which frustrates him.
He also has ADHD, but his version allows him to handle rapid task switching, while I get very overwhelmed, overstimulated and my brain goes full RadioGaGa. He gets frustrated when I want one single task laid out at a time and not the next one until the prior one is complete. We just have very different approaches to managing tasks, his Aries energy wants to move at 500 mph, and me, a Taurus, takes the scenic route with snack breaks.
I also have this awful habit of getting lost on side quests or hyperfixations when other, higher-priority things need attention, which ends up putting the physical load on him. I’m extremely embarrassed and ashamed to admit this, but it happened the night before our house was photographed for the listing. I procrastinated until the last day, loaded up on Adderall and caffeine, pulled an all-nighter, and still couldn’t get it all done, so he had to wake up and scramble to fix what I missed, which pushed his pain and anxiety through the roof for days after.
I feel awful because I know I’m falling short on supporting him, especially when he is so selfless, loving, protective, hard-working, and grounds me when I spiral. But I need tangible ADHD friendly ways to break the bad habits and find a more sustainable routine.
We had a bit of an argument the other day because I told him I’d been hearing fewer of my secondary love language , words of affirmation, like the long romantic texts or post sex thirty minute pillow talk I love. He was basically like: “…when I don’t feel loved in the way that makes me feel seen and heard, it’s not exactly the energy that brings out those spontaneous 500 word romantic texts you want, especially when my shoulders are in absolute agony.”
Yeah, it stung. But he’s right and I want to do better. I do not want him to feel alone or unsupported. We live in a state with no nearby family, which makes things harder.
So if you’ve been in a similar dynamic, especially with ADHD in the mix, did you find any workbooks, productivity tools, or apps to share tasks either just for you and/or with your partner that actually helped?
Or just tips in general for navigating a marriage with similar challenges? Any advice, solidarity, or even tough love (because I surely deserve it) would mean the world. ❤️!
Comments
Most of the things that people post about their husband’s not picking up the slack I think I do, and my husband does all the slack picking up
I don’t think I’ve gotten to Weaponized and confidence quite, but I sure do all the other things
Hey friend. Good job on recognizing an area to improve in. It sounds like you and your partner have a healthy communication method established.
What steps have you already taken or tried, specifically in the area of eliminating side quests?
I think the main issue here is that both of you have access needs that are crossing wires with the other’s access needs. I’d definitely suggest reframing in terms of you are both disabled (disability is at the nexus of functional limits and your lived environment) and what supports do you both need to function well.
Are there external resources that could be leaned on to support both of you to reduce that tension of not meeting each others needs?