I started using this account over 2 years ago to post about infertility. Eventually, my husband and I got pregnant after 2 years of trying. Unfortunately, immediately upon getting pregnant, he fell into a deep mental health spiral. Check my post history for details and context. There’s a lot.
Anyway, it’s been many months since my baby was born and I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting. Towards the end of my pregnancy, I was planning on leaving my husband. It was clear he was severely mentally ill and dangerous to himself. I was trying to figure out a way to get out of the state so I could give birth far away. Unfortunately, I gave birth almost a month early unexpectedly.
After my baby was born, my husband appeared to do a 180. It was like the bad stuff never even happened, and he hasn’t had a single mental health episode since. It’s like he just snapped out of it. He’s been (mostly) the perfect dad ever since. And even though that was the best outcome I could have hoped for, this isn’t a happy update.
Being a mother, I now know what unconditional love is, and my husband never deserved mine. Even though he’s “better” now, and that’s all I thought I wanted, I cannot let go of my resentment. Every day I feel like I hate him more and more. What he put me through was abuse, plain and simple. And at the end, he got rewarded with the most perfect baby in the world. And now I’m just here, expected to be a perfect wife and mother like nothing ever happened.
But it did happen. Even though I sometimes question whether the whole thing was some weird pregnancy-induced fever dream. (It wasn’t. There’s no plot twist here.) He’s aware of my resentment towards him but he thinks it will go away in time. However, I’ve only found that it’s gotten worse over time. Of course, he still refuses therapy. Couples therapy included. So I see no resolution here. I feel like I’m stuck. And yes, I know I only have myself to blame for not getting out in time, but alas, here we are.
The way I see it, I have several options. I can divorce him. And most days, this is what I feel like I want. But then I really think about what divorce would mean, and it would mean my husband gets automatic 50/50 custody of our child. And that thought truly makes me sick to my stomach. I’ve met with a lawyer. Despite everything my husband put me through while I was pregnant, none of it is “enough” to take custody from him. In the state that I live in, even domestic abusers get automatic 50/50 custody unless there was abuse done to their children.
Or I could stay. And try to stick it out for my son by trying to let go of my anger and resentment. But I don’t know how to do that. How can I forgive a man who doesn’t think he’s done anything that needs to be forgiven? I’ve been doing therapy for myself, but my therapist keeps pushing my husband and I to do couples counseling which he refuses.
I guess I just need help talking through my options with some neutral third party POVs. Thank you in advance for any advice you can give.
tl;dr my husband became mentally ill and suicidal when I got pregnant. After I gave birth, he “snapped out of it” but I cannot let go of the resentment I feel towards him, and he doesn’t seem to care about making amends.
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I think you just need to bite the bullet and divorce. If he does not want to address these issues as a couple then there is nothing to do. He wants yu t just forgive and forget so he is able to take zero accountability. Is that the kind of message you want your baby to grow up with? Stick with an abusive man that refuses to fix the issues in the relationship? No, you deserve to be happy too.
Please don’t stay in a marriage you hate. Don’t teach your kid that it’s okay to be miserable. You deserve to be happy in your relationship, and your kid deserves a happy mom.
You should talk to a divorce lawyer and see what they think of your situation. They might be able to help you more than you think. ❤️
I wouldn’t leave my kid alone with a guy who is mentally ill and suicidal. Also he refuses therapy.
I’m not sure what state you’re in, but I’m gonna guess that 50/50 is simply a default starting point for custody. And that your state’s family law practitioners are aware of judges’ “child’s needs first” mentality and are careful to not guarantee something that might be difficult.
That doesn’t mean that a settlement with different custody arrangements couldn’t be made with the help of a good attorney. The legal field is extremely variable in outcomes, even in spite of legal trends or precedents. I assume there’s copious documentation of his instability that an attorney could make use of.
A “together for the kid/s” home filled with resentment and acrimony is not a healthy alternative to divorce. Nor does it set a good example for how children should model their future relationships.
However, you don’t mention marriage counseling, and if you think there is a chance that the deep fissures in your relationships could be repaired with therapy, it’s certainly worth a shot before attempting the difficult road of custody proceedings. Inaction is your enemy. Even if something is going to suck, even if something seems very hard, even if it might be deeply uncomfortable for a while, you have to do something. You never know when he might become unstable again. You can’t just wait around for a magical resolution to this very serious issue.
Do you want your child to grow up seeing your relationship as an example of what love should be like? Kids are sensitive and they will feel the anger and resentment you have.
Honestly for your own sake and your wellbeing I think you should divorce him as then you will be free of the minute to minute anger you feel when you see him.
I guess a good strategy might be doing some forward looking scenarios. Write out your projections of who you will be and what your life might be if you make a divorce decision and if you make a stay with husband decision. For instance, your baby is 1 right now, and still deeply dependent on you, and you are rightly deeply resentful of your husband’s selfishness. So, do a projection of 5 years into the future, and you’ve stayed with husband. Now your child is in Kindergarten. Are you working? Are you still living in the same house? Have you gone on any family vacations? Have you had a second child? – these are all active external actions that anyone with some forward planning should be doing. Versus, you divorce now. Do another 5 year projection in the same manner.
But add a second layer to this. Assume you’ve stayed with your husband and you are still resentful, still angry. You’ve spent 5 years of your child’s formative years as an angry person. Your child probably loves Dad, and sees Dad as the happy person he is now, and maybe doesn’t understand your anger. — Do the same emotional projection as a single mom with shared custody.
And finally, whichever direction you choose, make sure you choose your own well-being and happiness. Because I can’t think of anything worse than choosing to live a life of resentment.
It’s a valid fear when you are not sure what happens when the switch happens again or how it’s going to look. It’s even more difficult because he refuses to take accountability and is refusing any conversation regarding his actions. I am sorry you are experiencing this situation.
If you’re in the US, please retain documentation of his actions and his mental illness so when there is an issue of custody, you can ensure the safety of your child until he gets treatment for his issues. Reconciliation is difficult, understandably. But if he is able to get treatment for his mental health, he can provide a safe environment for his child! I hope he gets the treatment and gets better too.
You need to be straight forward with your husband. I’m not one for ultimatums but you both need to work thru this. If you are truly prepared to leave him then tell him you are going to leave if you both don’t go to counseling. But this can’t be a threat, you need to be prepared to follow, through and leave if he refuses.
I would get a different therapist before doing anything drastic.
If yours is just telling you to do couples therapy then she’s not seeing the bigger picture.
If your husband had a mental breakdown then that’s exactly what it was. He can’t be held ‘completely’ accountable for that. I say ‘completely’ in quotes because I’ll get to that in a minute.
However my point initially is meant to point out that’s it’s YOU that can’t get over this and I’m not by any means saying you should but a good therapist will help you understand if in fact you can, or not.
Now, on to your husband. I’m not a believer in ‘mental health issues’ gives you a get out of jail free card but sometimes it is a reason.
Him Not acknowledging this and asking for forgiveness to his behavior is not acceptable though.
I would sit hubby down away from all distractions and say you want an open and honest conversation without any shouting or blaming. Explain how you truly feel in a calm and rational manner and then see how he responds.
That should give you your answer.
Good luck.
I think you should separate for a time. Tell him you want to see if he is capable of 50/50 custody because you know your resentment is justified by the way he refuses to accept responsibility for his actions. Has he even apologized? Has he done any work to repair the relationship? Or is it just supposed to have never happened? That’s not okay.
Tell him that your goal in separation is to give him one last chance to be a good husband and mend the damage he’s done, or at least take re for it. If he blames you, gaslights you, talks bad about you, or doesn’t show he cares about you, then your goal will shift to creating a peaceful co-parenting environment while you work out your divorce.
Tell him it’s counseling or divorce. Anyone who actually loves you would go to counseling. It’s not a big ask.
You’re not stuck you’re choosing between two painful options. Staying means modeling resentment as love; leaving means trusting courts to protect your child (document everything now). His refusal to repair the harm is the answer: he’s unchanged. Prioritize your peace. A happy mother raises a happy child with or without him.