Hi, I need some advice on this because my dad and I are both stuck.
For context, my mom passed away recently and it’s been a huge learning curve for my dad to do things on his own. My mom had been handling everything before. And by everything, I mean eeeeverything. Finances, kids, school, work, household chores, bills, even the fun family activities. All this while my dad wasn’t doing much. Having to fill in for his role caused a lot of trauma for me but that’s a story for another day. Now that she’s gone, my dad is finally stepping up (I still resent him for ONLY taking action now, but he does seem to feel very guilty for not being present before). I would say he still has a long way to go, but being the eldest and parentified, I’m doing my best to not jump in and save him.
Anyways, onto the main point. We were both discussing our finances. I’m already an adult and independent. I can pretty much handle my own, and its a walk in the park for me, but my siblings aren’t at that age yet. Both are still in school. My dad has about 10 years worth of savings before he runs out. I asked him what his plan was after that. He just shrugged. “That the end, then”. Okay. Concerning thing to say to your child but okay.
So yes, he has no plan. By the 6th or 7th year mark, both of my siblings will be adults and they’re hopefully going to have a job by then. College is whats going to completely use up whatever my dad has.
I think my dad is just planning to burn through his savings and he’ll just give up after 10 years? I’m not going to help him, he was barely there for me and I still blame him for my mom’s death, but I still care for him on some level I guess. That being said, he’s pulling the same self sacrificial bullshit my mom did and it’s pissing me off.
I keep pushing him to get a job but he says theres no point because whatever job he has will not be enough to offset everything. I get that he will be spending more than he earns, but at least it’ll buy him more time? I figured that if we could cut down our expenses a lot more, he would have more hope, but I can’t really figure out how to budget this as both my parents were pretty bad with money.
There’s no way that the living cost with one adult and two children can amount to as much as we calculated. I don’t count because I handle my own expenses, but somehow the cost for the three of them is 5 digits per month?
So I would like some financial advice on how to budget things properly, how to cut down on food costs and how I can save the money I inherited from my mom. Would selling the house and moving out help? Would making meals in bulk do anything? Grocery saving tips? I don’t know what we’re supposed to do.
I’m also worried that after 10 years, all the household responsibility will fall on me and I’ll never be free to live my life. I guess by then both kids will be independent so it’s less of a problem for future me, and I’m just feeling extremely anxious now. I’m not sure what will happen to the house and my dad by that time because it really sounds like he’s giving up. I don’t want us to end up stuck in debt like my mom was.
Right now, my plan is to focus on my career and secretly save up enough so that I can support my brothers throughout their college years (a little) when I’m stable. I understand that all of this shouldn’t be my burden to shoulder, so I am staging an intervention with the rest of my family to slap some sense into my dad.
But yeah that’s a little off topic, I’m just looking for big and small ways to cut down on our budget and any advice is appreciated. Thank you!
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I would try getting him in to therapy for himself and with you.
From there they can help him with resources for credit counseling that covers budgeting.
There is no way expenses for an adult and two children hit 5 figures a month without some major expense for something like medical care.
It sounds like he’s given up really.
As far as saving money, planning meals and eating at home saves. Check out dollar tree meals on TikTok. Tell everyone that meals are at home now and start teaching your brothers how to cook.
Next look to utilities, how can you cut those? Turn off lights, keep the temperature at the home around 72F.
Then move to entertainment: do you have cable, internet? What about subscriptions to streaming or gaming services. Start cutting those and turn off in app purchases.
Home/car insurance- look at other options and increasing the deductible to reduce the costs.
If there are credit cards, call them and ask that they reduce the interest rate. Stop using the cards.
There’s not enough info here for any of us to give personalized financial advice. What’s the monthly budget look like? How much is saved? Where is it saved? How old is he? Otherwise, the general things you probably already know are all we can say. “Get your budget under control.” “Make more income.” Etc.
Get his info on r/personalfinance and follow their personal finance guide.
Also, he can’t help your siblings with college right now. He’s too broke. What’s he going to do? Blow his savings to then become a financial burden on his children? Scholarships exist. Affordable secondary education exists. To reference flight attendants everywhere: he needs to put on his own breathing mask first. If he does it fast enough, he may be able to help them put on theirs.
You won’t like my suggestion, but it works for me. I embraced the VanLife. For the past 19 years I have. Slept in my van and maintained a job. I want for nothing and have secured my future. Nobody I know, agrees with me, but they would like to live like I live.
Rent and Utilities take up most of your earnings every 30 days. If you pay $2.5K per month, that is $30K you could be using for you instead of the landlord or bank.
If you had that kind of control over your money and time, you probably wouldn’t mind working for minimum wage or worry about getting fired.
At least that’s how my life works.
Sounds as if you live with the family, and that your father refuses to work. He’s probably chronically depressed.
Take control of the finances, if your father can’t/won’t. It is probably cheaper to stay in the house than to move out. Eventually, you may be able to take a HELOC on the house to pull more money out of it.
Any and all money that you can move into your own account, so that your father cannot access it, move it. Take over the bills and the taxes.
If you’re not done with your education and launched on your career, focus on that, too. You don’t want to wind up working a dead end low-paying job because of this.
Shop supermarket sales, feed the family what’s on sale that week. Stock up on staples and necessities, like toilet paper, when it’s on sale. Insist that your siblings babysit and mow lawns for pocket money, and get jobs as soon as they turn 16, and also help them plan for education/training and careers to become independent early on.
You have to grow up fast now, since your father is essentially non-functional.
Erm, OP, aren’t you taking a parental role by checking and planning all of this? And this is meant with kindness.
Your father sounds like a frustrating man to be around, and he KNOWS that your familial guilt will keep you there, helping.
Stage the intervention, sure, but also consider getting yourself removed from that dynamic if at all possible – move away and let him flounder with nobody else to save the day. When the time comes, absolutely support your siblings as best you can but until they are no longer minors, it’s HIS job, and his alone (legally) to raise them.
My concern for you is that with proximity, you will ALWAYS end up stepping in to save the day because a) our roles in family and those patterns are deeply embedded and b) the guilt of watching your siblings suffer will ultimately make you step in.
wait I’m confused, if your dad is going to be out of money… he cannot pay for anyone’s college! And why did you inherit the house, not her husband? Yes you should sell the house and downsize if the financial situation is that dire. I don’t think saving groceries is what’s going to cut it.
I am so sorry for your loss and you are taking on so much that you should not have to be dealing with. Did your mother work? Do I understand that the children are not 18 yet? Do they qualify for Social Security from your mom? That would help the financial situation. And your father sounds severely depressed, try what ever you can to get him to go to his doctor and you tell the doctor how he depressed he is, they could start him on antidepressants that may help him enough to want to get grief counseling. Good luck
You can do so much for your father, and you are already doing a lot. If he doesn’t work, he should cook to keep costs down, maybe he find that as a hobby. Therapy could help, but some people are very averse.
As rough as it sounds, if his conscious decision is to get your siblings to the end line and then off-himself after depleting savings, you will need to work around that.
You are already working on teaching your siblings independence. I’m a bit worried about the anxious one, as if he is afraid of school I suspect he will be afraid of an office. But one step at a time.
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Be sure you take care of yourself and that generational guilt. If you want to frame it in an utilitarian way, if you are not OK, everyone loses. And just to reiterate, there is so much you can do, sometimes people take bad decisions and you need to work around them.
He needs to get an advisor and will have to massively downsize. And he needs to get a job.
You need therapy. It’s not your job to make sure a grown-assed man manages his finances well
Let him flounder and flail. Stop bailing him out.
Tell him, and your brothers, “Dad is bad with money so there probably won’t be anything for college. Plan for that now.”
And when he runs out of money in ten years….i guess he can sponge off of other family, but not you
Tell him now, “Dad, you’re making a mess of all of this. That’s on you. I’m telling you now, I won’t bail you out of a situation you need to manage. Don’t come to me and don’t ask me for money. I work for my living, and you need to as well.”
Look, your focus should be on you. I’m sorry if that sounds self centered, but in this world that’s what we have to do. You cannot help anyone if you aren’t stable yourself. Your dad doesn’t owe your siblings college .. plenty cannot afford it, and who knows maybe they’ll be prepared to find their own paths, whatever that might be. But anyway-a financial planner may be able to help you with your budget and planning if that’s what you want-but your dad is an adult and can figure his own stuff out and he is free to fail too – sometimes that’s what it takes. You take care of you, and help your sibs a bit to do the same – all of you work and save as much as you can. Make sure dad doesn’t have access to it. Good luck
How old is everybody involved in this? You…your father… the other kids? I can’t tell who is at what age or stage of life.
How old are the siblings? A conventional college track might not be what they want. Vo-tech? Can your grandparents put money into an education-only savings/investment account for them? Or, just secretly set aside money for your sibs when the time comes for college? Completely by-pass the dad? I’m thinking you need to take control long enough to launch your siblings. Dad is an adult, he must be responsible for his own choices. He can choose to die in 10 years or choose to get a job. Can you get to a financial advisor or debt advisor? Anyone who could help you manage the money in such a way as to save your siblings?