Majority of my arguments with my bf have revolved around college. i chose to go to a college in another state instead of close to home where he is, so that forced us into an Idr. I didn’t talk to him beforehand about choosing that school and how it would affect us, I only really told him my decision on the day I committed so he was really really upset that I didn’t talk to him beforehand about the important stuff. He still hates that I did that bc it feels like I never cared for him or what he thought, he said. Recently, I chose classes for my college. I repeated the same mistake of not talking to him about it beforehand, but rather telling him two days after. My plan was to approach him about my schedule after I made it for myself, and compare mine with his so we can work out times together if we choose to go Idr, but I get why hes hurt. He wished that I had just discussed with him beforehand, because he feels like I was leaving him behind again since he wanted to choose classes together. He’s rlly upset that I repeated the same thing of not discussing more important matters with him. He says I’m good at all the surface level things when it comes to sharing stuff, but feels like I neglect the bigger ones. I continuously apologized to him abt it, but he said it doesnt mean anything if I cant show change which I understand since I made the same mistake even tho I promised to do differently. I know that trust is built back up overtime, but he said I have to figure out a way to resolve things and show him that I have changed and will do better now, otherwise things between me and him won’t change for a long time, and will maybe worsen. I’m just not sure how to right now because there’s nothing like as important as choosing classes that’s upcoming soon. So I don’t have any opportunities soon where I can act differently and talk to him beforehand to show him that I will do better. I’m at a huge loss right now. How can I fix things between the two of us? What are some ideas that I can act on now to prove myself and make him feel better and believe me? On top of that, how can I apologize more sincerely? I feel like my apologies are sometimes shallow, but I really want to convey more to him that he means a lot to me and I’m sorry for what I did.
TL;DR — I hurt my boyfriend by making major college decisions without discussing them with him first, despite promising to do better. Now I’m urgently trying to find meaningful ways to show him I’ve changed and genuinely care
Comments
You should not be making college or life decisions with your boyfriend as top priority at this stage in your life. He sounds controlling and insecure. There is no reason why you would have to consult him before choosing your classes.
Honestly, get ready for more pain if you stay in this long distance relationship with him. He’s clearly not built for it. If you keep apologizing and capitulating to him, it will teach him that this is an acceptable way how to feel and act.
Girl, no. You have done nothing wrong. At 18, you should not be basing college decisions around your boyfriend or friends. You should choose a school that offers majors you’re interested in, that you’re getting offered money at, etc.
Same for choosing your schedule – it has nothing to do with your bf. Pick the classes you want at the times that work for you. I did 2 years at community college, 2 years at university, and later, 2 years at grad school. Never once in my life did I ever consult a boyfriend (or my husband in grad school) about my schedule.
Your bf is being immature and a little controlling. Maybe break up instead of doing long distance.
I think as teens learning to navigate relationships it’s important for you two to give one another some grace when it comes to navigating your lives and the changes that are happening. Yes, if you’ve been dating for a while maybe where you’re going to college and what that’s going to do to your relationship should have been a discussion (but it’s really more of an informative heads up kind of thing), but class schedules?
How long have you been in a relationship with this guy? What was the relationship like prior to the college stuff? What’s the timeline on all of this?
My hot take is that you don’t really have anything to apologize for on the class schedule thing. Just because he has a feeling or desire doesn’t mean it’s on you to meet it (especially if he’s never articulated that feeling or desire to you), I mean is he assuming that you’re going to spend every second you’re not in class face-timing him? You can figure out your scheduling and a good cadence of communication when you’ve settled into a routine, until then he’s just borrowing trouble and causing issues (and I low-key suspect that he liked having you on the backfoot after you were apologizing about the school choice so he’s looking for more ways to keep you there).