18F struggling with anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and pushing away the people i care about

i can’t keep pretending everything’s okay.
for as long as i can remember, anxiety has had its grip on me, but it’s gotten so much worse lately. my hands and legs constantly shake, and i break down & crying for no apparent reason. the worst part is the constant thoughts, the ones telling me that maybe the world would be better off without me. the suicidal thoughts come and go, but recently, they’ve been relentless

i feel like i’m ruining everything around me, especially my relationship with my boyfriend. he’s super supportive & amazing. he knows most of the mess in my life, but there are things about my family i can’t tell him yet. a part of me feels like if i push him enough, it’ll hurt less if something were to actually happen to me

i know i should be stronger, but every day is a breakdown. my anxiety is suffocating, and i feel like i’m losing control over everything, including myself

i don’t know what i’m asking for here, but if anyone has been through something like this, how do you keep going? how do you deal with the thoughts, the breakdowns, and the feeling that you’re pushing everyone away?