TL;DR: I feel inherently unlikable despite being a perfectly normal person on the surface. I have no charm, can’t make friends or attract the opposite gender. Sometimes I believe it’s just people viewing me how I view my self and other times I feel like that’s just how I was created. I have become terribly terribly depressed because I can’t figure this out. Does it change, or is that just who I am?
Full rant:
My personality has been the bane of my existence since I stopped being a kid. I can’t make friends or attract women or even get the cashier to smile at me at checkout. I’m pretty bad looking but I don’t really care about that since I know some ugly Mfers who can have women swooning over them just through confidence and charisma and are everybody’s favorite person. I’ve been trying to change for 5 years now, and perhaps I’ve changed a bit, but I’m still largely the same. I seem normal on the surface, I can seem confident at times even charismatic in rare instances, but by and large something about me is deeply unlikable. Perhaps its something about my fascial structure, expressions, maybe the way I smile or maybe my low self esteem or my slight social anxiety IDK. But I have become terribly depressed because of it.
I used to think I have a poor self image but it seems like people see me exactly like I see my self even in first interactions. I don’t know, something about how people interact with my father for example, who is just insanely charismatic and holds a powerful position, seems like he was just created to be liked and respected. People are always smiling at him and treating him super nicely for absolutely no reason store employees for example keep smiling at him and treating him like a special person as soon as he opens his mouth even if says nothing notable, its just his demeanor. I can’t even imagine my father not being liked and highly respected it just doesn’t fit him, just as I cant imagine my self ever holding a powerful position that demands respect or being well liked in a community.
Honestly, I now believe that people are just created like that, and if that’s the case then I think life is just not worth living for me. I have become resentful and stopped being religious despite always being relatively religious because I resent being created, I stopped giving a shit about studying since what’s the point if I’m not likable enough to ever get a good job or get promoted? What’s the point of life if I can just keep falling in love with women who look at me as an unattractive human and would feel ashamed to have me as their man, and rightfully so? I’ve lost motivation for life in general. sometimes I just think damn well why am I even living if no one has asked about me in a month? Why can I never have fun like everyone else my age? I only have one single life and that’s what I get? Well fuck it then why live it if it’s that useless.
Now sometimes I get an enormous boost of confidence out of the blue and I become a bit more likable and could laugh and crack jokes (and thats the only time I feel desirable by the opposite gender), but it just comes for an hour or so every couple of weeks and goes away. But if it happened once then maybe it’s all in my head, I just can’t for the life of me get it out of my head. It’s just who I am to be in my own head all the time and maybe people just look at me how I look at my self. But again I realized that 5 years ago and have done everything to change it but its just literally not possible.
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I’ve rarely made friends or found partners based on looks.
Shared interests was where those things started.
Change is possible. You may have been pursuing it in an overly direct way.
Follow your interests. Find people who share them.
We are all prisoners of our own minds aswell as our own prison guards.
I mean first off you nailed it like a paragraph in. If you dont like yourself other people will notice that.
Why do you have low self esteem? Forget being ugly.
When I was in jr high and high school I had the hardest time making friends and connecting so I had a similar outlook as you. Here’s the thing in reality most people that have friends and a partner are those who don’t think about it too hard.
Work on improving yourself and work on your hobbies. You probably heard it before, but the harder you try to impress women, the more you’ll drive them away.
Make friends from your hobbies and improve yourself as a person.
Do you consider yourself disciplined? Do you work hard to achieve your goals? Do you have any goals?
Those ugly men that get women have other qualities that make them stand out. You don’t have to be funny or handsome. Just be interesting.
I started working out to improve my health but fell in love with it. I like expensive things and started working harder to be able to afford said expensive things. When I figured out what I needed to do to FEEL better, not just look better and what I needed to do to be able to acquire the things I like while feeling fulfilled people started wondering HOW I did it and came to me on their own.
Forget about women, but people in general tend to gravitate towards people that they admire. And nothing is more admirable than achievements.
It’s about integrity, respect and that includes towards yourself. Being a good cunt (Aussie lingo) is free and it’s a lot more attractive to others, nothing worse than bad manners and being around miserable people. Make sure you always make time for yourself and protect yourself from being exploited by others emotionally.
Man, I’ve been trying to get you to come out to the lake house with me and the boys for years. Hit me back!
Are you sure you’re not depressed? I felt simarly around the same age. Looking back I think I was just depressed and probably abusing alcohol. If you have access to therapy, that may be helpful way to go. Even if you aren’t clinically depressed, a good therapist can help you become the version of yourself you like the most.
You’re so young. Life hasn’t even started yet my man. Give yourself a little grace and have some patience. I’m 45 and I’m still trying to figure out what the hell im doing.
I’d like to see these people that are ugly mfers with women swooning over them. Typically people are in the same ballpark of attractiveness, and it’s VERY noticable when they’re not (I know only 1 couple where she is a 6 and he’s a 3.5 on a good day.)
Relatable in a different way maybe, I actually feel like I’m a likeable person, yet feel like most people don’t like me.
I’ve chalked some of it up to the way people are today. So many people are all about themselves and/or money, or are just fake in general, and I can’t identify with that at all. I still can get along with people, although I generally don’t like to be around them.
But I’ve never been able to shake the feeling that most people don’t like me, some tolerate me, and I’m certainly nobody’s first choice, except for my gf.
Go to gym. Get jacked.
My man, you should speak with a therapist.
From what you’ve written it sounds like there are several things going on here.
You have an attitude problem. If you see the world as a negative place, people pick up on this. THIS CAN BE FIXED. It takes active effort to change, to get out of this negative thought pattern, but there are a lot of things you can do to. Again, see the Therapist comment.
It seems like you have a misunderstanding of how people work. People aren’t born as social or unsocial, confident or unconfident, etc. these are skills that you can learn and build. Are there people who have an aptitude? Sure. But that doesn’t mean you can’t learn to be cool and confident and at ease with people. Again though, it takes work.
Because I gotta tell you, dude, this is some boarder line ince black pill shit and that doesn’t do anyone, literally no one, any good.
You’re a person, a member of this 8billion person tribe. You’re both special in your individuality, and also not special. We all feel like this sometimes, it’s what YOU are going to do about that sets you apart.
Be a real person, man. Volunteer, take up social hobbies, and get comfortable with being uncomfortable for a while. Sucking at something is the first step to being good at something.
Do you actually like other people? I read your post history a bit and am picking up some angry young man vibes, but not in a good Billy Joelish sort of way. You said some hostile stuff.
Should we picture you in India?
I’ve often found that giving others what you need to fill that emptiness for yourself can be helpful. Go volunteer and be kind and giving to others. You’ll feel better about yourself. And it’s hard to dislike people that give back a lot.
I felt a lot like this, and it really isn’t about other people’s perception of you, it’s about how you perceive yourself. Moreover, it’s about self-security.
Do we have the ability, to some degree, to reach out and perceive what others might think or feel about us? Yeah, empathy is a thing. But often I find sensitive people get projection muddled in and because you view yourself as unlikable, and you are aware of your actual struggles being depressed, etc., you think this is how others feel about you as well. It’s not true.
When I was faced with a similar dilemma, I had to learn to shut out the idea that I even had any clue as to what others were thinking or feeling. In part, my filters were distorted as well as needing to learn things like, owning my experience rather than letting (absolutely) whatever other externality I was allowing in. It freed me up to learn when to ask questions, and when to just let others think whatever they were going to think.
What you can count on them sensing is the stench of insecurity, even desperation, to be liked. Fuck that, and with love, fuck them. Work on your self image, consider therapy, and do what you can with what you have. Good luck, you got this!
Your instincts about cracking jokes is spot on! There is hope…….. go to a gym/ start running……learn to like urself