I am writing this for advice, I guess… or just to get it off my chest, I feel the need to talk with someone about it, but I guess I just don’t want to seem weak.
Before you dive into my story, let me tell you few things. I am not a teenager and I know how break ups feel. I am 29 and I had 3 big relationships: one for 6 years, we were highschool sweethearts, one for 3 years and the most recent one… a situationship for 2 years. I know how break ups feel and I know you get over it, or at least I did on my previous breakups… now is just different and I want to see if anyone ever felt the same.
I met him when I was at a low point in my life. It was mid pandemic, I was having severe anxiety and I was showing some signs of depression. I met him online, through reddit. He was going through a bad breakup as well, and I guess our pain made us click instantly.
Regardless of what demons we were fighting, when we talked it seems like we knew each other for a lifetime. He made me laugh after a long time and we were the true definition of silliness. We were living on different countries, and because of that and few other big cultural differences I guess we never became officially a couple, even if we were acting like one, our feelings , passion, trust and sparks were real.
I was mad over him, head over heels, those kind of goosebumps never ending. He was my first thought waking up and my last before sleep. He was the first person in my life I ve been 100% honest with. He was the first man knowing about my teenage SA and my domestic abusive relationship.
He was with me at my lowest when I was crying until I had no voice left in me and I was there for him whenever he had his lows.
As mentioned we weren’t ever officially a couple, and we both knew that is for the best for both of us, but we acted 100% like one. I was comfortable with what we had, never really wanted more or pushed for more. The reasons why we wouldn’t have worked were outside of us wanting, and I know he wasn’t the type of person to just “use me”. He is an amazing person regardless of anything that happened
We were in this for 2.5 years, never forgetting any important milestone or celebration for each other. We were long distance but always managed to send each other thoughtful gifts and show our appreciation.
After 2.5 years, on my birthday he did not message me all day… I was disappointed, I really was, I wanted to see if he was online on any social media or if he maybe was just busy, and that’s when it hit me. He blocked me, everywhere, every single place, he made it impossible to contact him again, no explanation, no sorry, no bye. Just block.
I cried, and panicked, I did not want to believe it was happening. For weeks I was unable to sleep or eat properly. I didn’t want it back I just wanted to know why. I went through the “its my fault rollercoaster “ going from I am too broken inside, to I am not attractive enough. Never really had a good relationship with my body, so the fact that during this years I took about 7kg made me think that was the reason, and my confidence went out of the window, which really resulted in even more toxic relationships with myself.
Eventually, as the time went on I started to heal, but only to a certain point, I never been able to heal 100%. In the meantime I got another relationship, he is amazing and I love him, yes, I really do, I have goosebumps with him and get nervous around him. For a long time I thought I moved over, but I didn’t.
Few weeks ago I saw a picture, a friend of a friend kind of post. Saw him married and his wife pregnant . I broke down like on the day I found out I was blocked.
I don’t get it why I cannot move over, is it because my heart still needs a reason, to hate him or love him but needs an explanation… is it because I am broken inside and I have attachment issues, or was he my soulmate and I lost him?
I don’t know… what I know is that after so long, I wrote this text with shaking hands and tears in my eyes, I just want to know why.