I’m in college and currently live with my dad, he forced me to live at home so I have to take online classes, he said he doesn’t want me to date until I atleast finish my undergrad. The problem I don’t wanna go behind his back cause I don’t wanna break his trust and I feel guilty. I’ve never had a bf and honestly the older I get the more it bothers me.
20F and my dad doesn’t let me date
r/Advice
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You’re a 20 year old adult, you don’t need permission from mommy or daddy to date.
Its understandable to feel conflicted, you want to respect your dad, but also crave independence and relationships
If you can, move out. If you can’t, lie.
You’re gonna need to sit down and have a chat with dad. Let him know you are an adult and are able to make decisions for yourself. It’s time to set healthy boundaries and if he doesn’t like your decision, then out of respect for it being “his house”, maybe look at getting a place with roommates. You should not feel guilty for wanting something so normal as to date, especially at the age of 20
Move out and start your life.
If he won’t see reason in an adult conversation, then you might need to start searching for a place to live and roommates if you’re not able to support yourself all alone quite yet.
You want to have had a boyfriend just for the sake of having one? Like a bucket list item? Or do you actually feel lonely or something? He probably doesn’t want to see you as a single mom without a degree.
You need to move out. Live in a college dorm and go to college in person and live a little. It’s time to leave the nest and spread your wings.
Your dad is being possessive and controlling. Not only can you not date, you also aren’t allowed to move out or go to classes. This is a serious problem that’s not gonna end until you take some accountability for yourself and move out.
tbh, you gotta live ur life for you. Yea, respect’s important but so’s being ur own person. It’s time to have a honest convo with him. Don’t just sneak around, that’s not fair to u or any potential bf. Stand up for what you want in life, it’s urs after all.
Get a part time job while living there, assuming you aren’t already paying rent you’ll save money to move out in 6-12months and start living your own life. It’s tough while living under a parents roof, but at 20 that’s not your only option
Quit blaming your father. You don’t want to date. You’re an adult and can date whenever you want. You just don’t want to date and don’t want to admit that.
Trust me…. You should date. Dating after college IS A NIGHTMARE. But also of course know yourself, and make sure you know what you are looking for.
How is he stopping you from moving out?
He is going to keep moving the goalposts. You need to plan a long term exit strategy. In the meantime, for dating, you can do what teenagers with strict parents have always done, lie and sneak out.
Time to move out of the house and out from under dad’s thumb.
You gotta get a job and take control of your life. Freedom isn’t given its earned.
You are a Adult he can’t make you do anything!
It’s normal to want to date. Respecting your dad is good, but it’s also okay to want your own independence. Maybe talk to him honestly about how you feel
lol what
He is probably scared shitless of the crazy men out there as he should be but he can’t protect you forever.. you gotta a have a conversation with him and tell him this
Are you financially dependent on him? Now is the time to learn about financial abuse so that you don’t date/marry this type of man.
Nobody forces you…your 18 and an adult. You can leave whenever you want and he can’t legally tell you to date or not…thats illegal. You saying he has rules under his roof etc ..still his ruies must be legal.
The questiins in why do u want bf. What purpose to start family?
You have a good dad. Overprotective, but his heart is in a good place. Have a good heart to heart with him. If he still doesn’t loosen the reigns, I’d consider moving out.
Plenty of 20 year olds have never had significant others.
What is his reason? Is this a religious thing?
Apply to colleges and see if you qualify for financial aid or a scholarship.
It will be difficult, but is your mom willing to be the parent for FAFSA?
my parents didn’t let me date & I wish I had just lied to them. lol
it’s a win/win
Let me guess, you do all the cooking and cleaning too. He’s probably afraid you’ll find someone else to “take care of” if you start meeting people, and then he won’t have you around to do all his maid-work anymore. It’s time to find your own place. I’m so sorry he’s being like this. If he’s threatening to cut you off, think about all the time you spend doing his bidding and that you could be working a part-time job with that time instead. Then go to your school’s financial aid office and tell them what’s going on. They’ll help you come up with a plan to pay for school and may even be able to get you housing and a job on or near campus. Best of luck to you!!
Honestly he is right your brain doesn’t develop until your 25. It’s not worth it most of the time at your age I wish I would have never rushed
This SHOULD bother you. I don’t know his true intentions here, but whether they’re good or bad. His actions are extremely inappropriate and crossing personal, familial, and societal boundaries that exist for good evolutionary reasons.
It is none of his business.
Yikes. I think you need to move out and stop living under your dad’s very controlling thumb.
Part of having healthy relationships means setting boundaries, even with your parents. You are the arbiter of your life now and your dad needs to respect that.
You’re 20. You need to get a job, save up money and move out.
How did he force you to live at home?
You’re an adult. You can do what you want.
How that impacts your life is a different thing.
If you have to live under his roof then you either have to: 1) wear him down and change his mind 2) lie – which you don’t want to do 3) live by his rules if he’ll throw you out if you don’t.
It’s sucks.
If it were me, I would do #2 but probably mess it up and get caught.
Dad didn’t force you to live at home while going to college. Dad agreed to provide you room and board and likely pay for college. As such it’s his house, his rules. If you want to be treated like an adult it means you have to take on adult responsibilities like paying for your own rent and food while figuring out how to pay for college too.
Research “familial domestic servitude.” I would like to hear more about your dad forcing you to live at home and how? I know it can be hard for most people to understand, they see you’re 20 and wonder how you can be forced to stay there but I have been in a situation in which I could not leave due to multiple coercive tactics, so I understand.
Actually. Pls call a trafficking hotline or visit their website incognito and chat with someone
INFO: how did he FORCE you to take online classes/live with him and not go to university? How controlling is he? (Aka do you have a job and access out of the home or does he basically keep you like Rapunzel and mother Gotham?)
That’s great you don’t want to go behind his back and all, but then that means you have two (moral) options to go about this.
have a conversation: you understand he is your dad, but you are now an adult. You respect he doesn’t want young men in his home, but he cannot stop you from having a social life outside of the home as a 20 year old. So where does that leave you both with boundaries? Because you deserve your own as a young woman who is now an adult, his child or not
plan to move out. Whether that means you need to look for a part time job too. Either use your university email to get in contact with the proper folks for assistance on how to look into housing or room/board, or how they offer finding roommates and cost etc or actually find time to go in person.
Move out and pay your own bills or just learn to deal with it. You’re not a child anymore, if you want to live like an adult, put in the work.
I didn’t want my kids dating until they were older but now they are married and one is going through a divorce so I wouldn’t rush into it and make sure you know the other person very well before you make that decision
Start trying to distance yourself from him. Get employment is the first thing. Once you have money, you can move out. Also, try to attend in person classes next semester. Making friends in college is an experience you don’t want to miss out on. As for dating, hide it and lie until you can move out. He is being way too controlling, and you’re an adult.
Boundaries are important in any relationship. You need to set some boundaries for your dad. You might break his trust but you’re honest and at the end of the day he will appreciate that you’re honest with him. If he does not want to support you or kicks you out well you’ll have to deal with it so plan accordingly. Good luck
Ok… girl… you have to make a decision… no judgement, here… but you can’t keep sitting on this fence. Are you daddy’s little girl? If so… continue on your path… do you want to be a free adult? Move out… daddy will get over it… and honestly… forcing you to take online classes… to keep you at home..sounds a little creepy to me…you cannot live to please him. You are over 18…. P.S. there is no compromise, here…
Grow up. Get a job pay your own way and make your own decisions.
What do you mean he’s forced you to live at home? How has he forced you? If you had the choice, would you live somewhere else?
I didn’t date till I was like 21. And let me tell you. I do not regret it. Even at that age your brain isn’t fully developed and you don’t really date what you deserve. I’m 27 now, broke up with my partner of 3 years and I feel like I just now know how to date intentionally. Don’t feel like you’re behind trust me guys at your age absolutely suck.
First of all, how are you going to meet someone to date? Ideally, you would be living in a dorm, graduating to your own apartment soon. Being on campus or having a young person job like at a restaurant would allow you to meet people and socialize. Start with a job. When you find someone in the wild to date, just go about your business until you can get your own place, with or without roommates.
You are old enough to be an adult. Move out, live your life.
You’re an adult. This is the only thing that needs to be said. But to clarify further, no one can force you to live at home, and no one but you gets to decide if you date someone.
You’re 20 years old and still let your dad treat you like youre 12. Why? Thats the question you need answered
That’s gross. Now. Not have sex in his house? That’s one thing. But to not date? You’re 20. He’s being unreasonable.
I can see why ur dad won’t let you date meow …
On the one hand, I understand him wanting the best for you and him wanting your studies to come first. On the other hand, though, he is taking it too far.. you are an adult, not a child/minor.
Are you financially stable? Do you have a job? Are you able to get your own place?
Im sorry, but this behavior that your father has is very unhealthy. It is like he is an obsessive partner, not your father. It’s kind of sickening, honestly.
You should be getting at least some experience dating while in college. It’s going to be harder to start from scratch afterwards when most people your age have been dating for years.
Is “NOT ALL MEN” until is my daughter out there then is all of them and the horse they rode in
As a 48 year old Dad of both a 23 and 19 year old daughters, I think you have bigger problems than just dating. He won’t even let you take in person college classes? What else does he control in your life? Are you allowed to drive and go places alone? Is your diet controlled by him? Or is it just things that he controls that will keep you away from males? Look being a Dad is SCARY. We want the best for our daughters and we want you to get established before some “no good boy ruins your life!” The problem is, this is a very important part of your life learning how to navigate life, love and work. And if you’re being controlled completely, you’re not learning these things. He’s not doing you any favors in the long run.
I get it, that’s a tough spot to be in when ur dad sets rules like that. U don’t wanna break his trust but at the same time u don’t wanna miss out on living life either. Finding balance there isn’t easy
Here’s your escape plan.
You are going to school. Hopefully it’s at a local college that you can get housing for. If it isn’t and it’s a school you can transfer credits out of, apply to your local state school that has dorms.
Get a part-time job so you have some income you can divert to this plan
Get a burner phone from Mint or some other service that’s cheap, there are 20 buck a month plans. This gets you a phone that your parents don’t have access to. Just keep it on silent.
Set up a mailing address that’s a PO box somewhere so you have a mailing address that paperwork can go to. Shouldn’t be more than 10-20 bucks a month. Again, parents don’t have access to this.
Last, just in case things go absolutely batshit, figure out what temporary housing situations exist in your city or town. Absolute last resort. Do this quietly.
File a FAFSA at fafsa.gov that indicates you’re not making income and are fully responsible for supporting yourself. Use your new phone number and PO box as an address. Advise the FAFSA that you intend on living on campus and supply your schools college code.
Wait a semester for this to process and get into dorm housing. Problem solved. You will be taking on more debt but you’ll have your life. Hopefully you’re in a career program or degree program that has career prospects. Network your ass off in school and say good bye to parents.
Note: No boy is worth this annoyance. I’m not suggesting this because of dating. I’m suggesting this because the control you experience now will result in you not having your own life far beyond school.
My path at 17 was “fuck this, I’m going to go live in a rental van”. The path above is to a higher standard.
I’m 52 now and financially independent. You got this.
I have an idea. Just be really really close friends with him lol
My sister had a similar situation, my brother beat everyone up who wanted to date her. He was truly feared lol. She hated it back then now she is very happy about that
Edit: not allowed to attend classes is kinda weird tho
You’re in a tough spot. On 1 hand you don’t want to disappoint your father, and that’s understandable. And in the other hand, you’re a young adult who’s being “sheltered” way beyond the norm. I will say sometimes it’s hard for a parent to let go, but in order for you to grow you have to start doing things, I’d talk to your college people and see if you can transfer to in person classes at the new term, see about getting into a dorm and do yourself a favor and get an easy part time gig. A little money in your pocket is gonna help out.
Your father is toxic. You are not his property. He should grow up and accept that you are a woman with needs. If you want to date, you date.
You are currently dependent on your father financially and for your living situation. First of all safety first. Get yourself in a position where ubare financially independent. That may mean waiting til you have graduated and have a decent paying job then move out. Otherwise u risk him kicking u out if he discovers u dating under his roof. Nothing wrong with your dad wanting the best for u however this is way above that and u need to look after your safety first