I (20M) have been in a long-distance relationship with a girl (20F) I met on Instagram. We never put a clear label on our relationship, but the emotional connection was intense. We used to talk almost all day, every day.
She told me openly that she doesn’t see herself getting married or being a mother. She said she’s not emotionally built for that kind of life. But deep down, I feel like it’s not because she doesn’t want it — but because she’s scared of it. Her parents went through a rough divorce, and I think that affected how she sees relationships.
Still, I can’t let go of her. We’re both emotionally wounded people, and I saw myself in her pain. I wanted to be the one who helps her heal. I wanted to be everything for her.
She’s been very inconsistent. One moment she wants me close, the next she says she doesn’t need me. She told me she has an avoidant attachment style — that she struggles with emotions and feels numb sometimes. She even said she kept my photos but feels nothing when she sees them.
She blocked me once for a few days, then unblocked me. But now it’s been a full week, and she hasn’t said a word. No messages, no updates, nothing.
And the truth is… I still can’t hate her. I don’t want to forget her. I don’t want anyone else. Even if we never speak again, a part of me still wants her to exist in my world. Her presence made me feel things I’ve never felt before. I come from a family that doesn’t really express emotions. Hugs, kind words, even saying “I love you” — those things never meant much at home. But if she said it? It meant everything.
I’m tired. I just finished my college exams — the last one went terribly. I came home hoping to rest and clear my mind, only to find out I was blocked again.
I have no social energy. Even talking to someone for twenty minutes completely drains me. I used to think I was fine — but lately, everything feels heavier.
I know our relationship has no future. She said it herself. But I still can’t accept the idea that we’re done for good. I don’t want to start over with someone new. I don’t want to meet someone else.
She once told me, “I’m a bad person. I’m not good for anyone. You should leave me.” But that only made me want her more. I wanted to prove her wrong. I wanted to be her safe place, even if it cost me myself. I’ve never felt this way before — never wanted to protect someone that deeply.
I’d even apologize when I didn’t do anything wrong, just to keep the peace — just to avoid hurting her, or maybe because I didn’t know how else to help her.
She once told me, “I love it when you’re confused when I say bad things to you and then good things, so you don’t know if I’m telling the truth or not.”
Sometimes she’d say hurtful things — then later admit she said them to make me walk away. But every time, it hurt.
Now I’m just confused. Is this love? Is it fear of losing someone? Is it emotional dependency?
All I know is… when I’m away from my phone or social media, I feel okay. I can smile, laugh, even enjoy things. But when I’m alone, or I pick up my phone, I think of her again.
I don’t need her — but I still want her near me.
I don’t want a new relationship. I don’t want someone else.
But I also won’t reach out again.
Has anyone been through something like this?
TL;DR:
I (20M) was in an undefined long-distance relationship with a girl (20F) who doesn’t believe in marriage or emotional closeness. She blocked me again after being inconsistent for months. Despite knowing this relationship has no future, I can’t stop wanting her in my life. I’m emotionally exhausted and unsure if this is love, fear, or emotional dependence.