So I (20M) have been seeing this girl (20F) for a little over a year now. We met in college and started talking regularly. Pretty soon, we got close — emotionally and physically (although we’re both saving ourselves for marriage, so no sex). But very early on, her aunts told her not to date me because I’m Black and she’s Asian. I’m only including that because they made it explicitly about race.
Her aunts made comments about how being with a Black guy would come with more “struggles” and told her not to date anyone, even though she previously dated an Asian guy for a year with no issue. They also have a daughter who is dating a white guy, so it feels like a double standard.
Because of this, she told me that we should just be “friends.” But that turned into a “friends with benefits” situation — we do everything a couple does except for sex. We’ve talked about boundaries, we’ve said “I love you” to each other, and we’re exclusive. She’s told me she loves me, that I’m someone she sees a future with, and that she doesn’t think there’s anyone better for her out there.
Still, she doesn’t want to label our relationship. I recently asked why — after a year — we’re still not officially dating, and she said that being in a relationship feels “too restrictive.” She wants the freedom to meet new people and make friends (not date), and she doesn’t want to constantly worry about how I’ll feel about who she talks to.
For the record, I’ve never tried to stop her from having guy friends. I’ve made it clear I’m not controlling like that. She even keeps me updated about one of her guy friends who used to like her and now vents to her about his girlfriend — she says she tells me because she cares about my feelings and doesn’t want to make me uncomfortable.
To the outside world, we’re just “friends.” But we hang out all the time, cuddle, hold hands, talk about everything — basically act like a couple in private. At first, I told myself I was fine with it and happy just being there for her, but over time, I’ve started to feel uncertain and insecure.
It’s starting to wear on me not knowing where we’re headed. When I gently bring it up and ask about defining our relationship, she says I’m “interrogating” her and that I’m making her uncomfortable. I really do try to be soft and understanding, but I feel like I can’t even ask questions about something that deeply affects me. Today she got upset again because I asked why we aren’t dating despite everything we share.
I was onboard with going into this with no expectations — I told her that early on. But now I’m starting to think that was a mistake. I feel stuck and bad, because I do love her and I wanted to keep her close, even if that meant not asking for more at the time.
I want more security and a clear label for what we are. I’m not asking to control her or limit her — I just want clarity, commitment, and honesty. Am I wrong to feel this way?
What should I do? I feel stuck, indecisive, and honestly kind of disrespected at times. Any advice?
TLDR
I (20M) have been emotionally and physically involved with a girl (20F) for over a year. Publicly and privately, we act like a couple — we say “I love you,” we’re exclusive, we cuddle, and we’ve set boundaries (no sex, saving ourselves for marriage). She says she loves me and sees a future with me, but doesn’t want to put a label on the relationship because it feels “restrictive” and she wants freedom to meet new people as friends. I originally agreed to no expectations, but now I feel stuck and uncertain. I want clarity and commitment, but she gets uncomfortable when I bring it up. What should I do?
do?
Comments
You’re getting hurt so you need to tell her she needs to be in or you’re out.