My boyfriend (22M) and I (21F) have been together for 6 years. We have a mutual friend from high school. She and I were in the same friend group, but never close. Over time, she and my boyfriend became closer, especially since they attend the same college.
I’ve never really liked this girl. She gave off a vibe of leading guys on — kissing them, being physically close, calling them just friends, and even getting piggyback rides from guy friends at concerts. That behavior made me uncomfortable, and I told my boyfriend I didn’t like how close they were or that they talked every day.
We had multiple fights about it. He always insisted they didn’t talk much. But I’d catch him using a nickname for her, one from a meme about a brother-sister relationship, which I told him I didn’t like. He said he would stop, but my gut kept telling me something felt off.
Eventually, I had a huge emotional blow-up over it all. He told me he would cut off all contact with her, and he did. However, when I asked to see their old texts, he told me he had deleted them because he panicked when I mentioned breaking up.
Later, word of the drama spread in our friend group, and the girl reached out. She said I could see their texts from her side and claimed everything was platonic. When I read them, there wasn’t anything outright flirty, just goofy exchanges. For example:
• Her: “Why are you avoiding me?”
• Him: “Aww you miss me, you love me so muchhh.”
• Her: “That’s so gay eww.”
But the nickname was still being used, even after I had said I was uncomfortable with it.
After this, my boyfriend removed her from social media and stopped all communication. He has tried to reassure me, saying it was always platonic but that he now realizes he crossed a boundary. He told me:
“I’m not saying it wasn’t platonic. It was. I did value that friendship, and it never came from a place of feelings for her.
But you’re right. You set a boundary, and I didn’t respect it. That’s on me.
At the time, I honestly didn’t take it seriously, not because I didn’t care, but because from my point of view, it felt like a small thing. I assumed it didn’t matter as much.
But I get that it wasn’t up to me to decide which boundaries mattered and which didn’t. That was the problem. And I’m sorry.”
I chose to forgive him and stay in the relationship. But even now, I can’t stop thinking that maybe he did have feelings for her or that some line was crossed, even if not physical. I feel stuck between trying to move on and feeling like I’m betraying my gut.
My question is: How do I rebuild trust and move forward when I still feel uneasy, even after forgiveness? What steps can I take to truly heal from this?
TL;DR:
21F with 22M boyfriend of 6 years. He got close with a girl I wasn’t comfortable with, used nicknames I had asked him not to, and kept talking to her despite my boundaries. He deleted their texts after I threatened to break up, but later I saw them from her phone — they weren’t flirty but still crossed my lines. He’s cut contact now and apologized, but I still feel unsettled. I forgave him, but I don’t know how to trust again or move forward emotionally.