I (22F) have been feeling guilty for ending our relationship with my (28M) partner. We’ve been seeing each other on and off for four years, and this last time was the most intense. We saw each other more frequently than ever, went on grandiose outings, and exchanged romantic gestures. We always got along very well. He would make me feel beautiful, send me gifts, and tell me how much he loved me, but I rarely felt those feelings.
As the relationship progressed, he became increasingly critical of me. He would constantly undermine my intelligence and ability to think for myself, making everything I did subject to ridicule. He claimed to be “at the end of his leash” with my perceived inability to “behave” in social situations, Since I work in sales, and my entire career is based on my ability to present and communicate effectively, I was quite confused by this. He was unable to provide me with any examples of what he didn’t like about my actions, but he would say things like, ‘I just wish you wouldn’t act “like that”, He had even suggested that maybe I just “wasn’t the kind of girlfriend he could introduce people to” even though all of his friends had told him how much they liked me.
This resulted in feeling as if i had the inability to speak freely and make independent decisions without being made to feel stupid, Which in turn severely impacted my sense of self, Which up until this point, I had a VERY strong grasp on.
Towards the end, this dynamic filled me with so much shame that I began to doubt everything I knew about myself. Maybe I was unintelligent or socially inept? The subtle erosion of my identity caused me to become incredibly anxious and confused. Did he see something in me that I had been trying to ignore? Were these remarks an attempt to help me instead of shame me? I am incredibly self aware, but maybe I missed something.
Since he had claimed to love me endlessly, I thought I should be able to voice these concerns freely, Hoping that we could maybe come to an understanding instead of ending the relationship all together, However once I expressed the way this situation was making me feel, I was told that I am ‘unwell’ and that I should consider getting on an anti-anxiety medication, as my concerns were ‘unfounded’ and i’m ’too sensitive’
This last paragraph, realistically should be my answer, but a part of me does still feel guilty for leaving, Because there were aspects of this relationship that were over and above my expectations, he could be very thoughtful, generous and kind, but I do think that ultimately I may have been emotionally manipulated.
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You ended things because that’s what you wanted. It’s entirely your choice whether to continue or to end a relationship you’re in at any time for any reason. As long as you originally entered into the relationship honestly, you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about, even if you’re choosing to end it for a reason somebody else might not understand.
Also, he sounds like a fucking asshole, good riddance.
You were gaslit. For a long time. And, as a result, you’ve internalized his (unfounded) criticisms. He may no longer be ur bf, but he still has you second guessing and doubting yourself. It’s the oldest game in the book, telling a woman that she’s “unwell” if she expresses emotions and opinions openly. He has reduced you to a stereotype, the “crazy” ex gf. Why give him that power? Move on.
There is no amount of good or above expectations behavior that can undo him chipping away at your self esteem and sense of self. Try to move on and don’t look back.
He is a narcissist. You have suffered narcissistic abuse in the relationship. I won’t get into the details here but if you google it you will easily find examples and lists of behaviors that you will identify immediately. And there are entire BOOKS on how to get away from these people and heal. To a narcissist you are not a person, you are just a reflection of them. Also, the gaslighting. The love bombing in the beginning. The non-specific attacks on who you are as a person. The accusations of you being “unwell” for simply disagreeing with them. You survived a narcissistic relationship and DO NOT GO BACK. Narcissists are overwhelmingly insecure so you were the punching bag whenever he didn’t feel good about himself, basically. He attacked you to feel better about himself. You allowed it, he felt better, the relationship would improve. Rinse and repeat. That’s no way to live.
The damage this did to you needs work to be undone. You can’t just move on and be okay. Get a therapist, explain the relationship and try to heal from the damage. You are doubting yourself right now becuase he trained you over 4 years to doubt yourself. That’s the only reason. You were lucky to leave when you did, you do NOT go back.
Never feel guilty for leaving a relationship that is not healthy for you. Your partner should uplift you. Your partner should be a source of comfort for you. Your partner should never gaslight you into taking anxiety medication. He was also not a safe partner.
I also want to mention that the age gap is a red flag as well. I do not know what a 24-year-old man had in common with an 18-year-old woman. At 24, I would have never entertained anyone under 23. Men who date much younger women, in my opinion, do it because the woman their age with their life experience realizes something is wrong with them.
This is a textbook example of someone gaslighting you to maintain abusive control. Stop feeling guilty and move on with your life to find someone who will be honest and respectful and not treat you this way.
He was 24 and wanted to date a teenager because they are a lot easier to control. He counted on being able to continue to do so, as when you are manipulated and controlled from such a young age you just think this is normal instead of starting to make demands and break free of his attempts to wreck your self worth. Luckily you were stronger than that. Hold on to it for dear life and stay away from that guy.
Why do people believe that for a relationship to be bad it has to have no redeeming value whatsoever? He was thoughtful and generous but demeaning & belittling. The first does not outweigh the second. Do not waste your time, energy or love on someone who makes you feel less than. Even if you want to see the good, that doesn’t change the fact that this guy is an AH and you’re better off alone.
His belittling you and everything else is not good, especially because he never could come up with the exact circumstances for feeling the way he does. He basically wants someone that he can kick around and treat like shit. Love bombing with the presents and everything, but then turning around and belittling you is a control tactic.
On and off for 4 years? Don’t feel any guilt. Some relationships no matter how hard we try; aren’t meant to last. Partners (like this guy) can be funny, generous and loving…… up until the point where they can’t fake it anymore.
His criticisms of you are far more important in evaluating the relationship; than the few fancy dinners or presents he brought.
He’s not very nice. Period. Stop wasting your energy trying to figure out why.
You left an abusive boyfriend so congratulations. Abusers are great at grooming their partners with love, gifts, charm, but that doesn’t mean they are not abusers. No one will stay with a person who starts off awful so they have to hook you before showing their true selves. Please read this for future reference: https://ia801407.us.archive.org/6/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Some of the kind gestures he did were likely genuine, but there’s a very good chance some of them were strategic so that whenever he wanted to be shitty, you would most likely make excuses for him & question yourself because you’d be remembering the times he made you feel so special. And he can be like “oh I’m terrible? Remember when I did xyz nice thing for you?” Regardless, no big kind gesture(s) is enough to overlook his repeated hurtful actions. Some people can be really kind sometimes and really mean other times even when you don’t deserve it and it doesn’t make sense but that’s life.
Additionally, you don’t need a huge reason to break up with someone – they could have hurt your feelings pretty badly once or twice and then they apologized sincerely and didn’t repeat it, but sometimes you can’t go back to feeling the same way about them even if you try to. & so you can forgive them & know that they’re not some terrible person/partner, but you just naturally lost those feelings for them which is normal, & then you just move on
And he first dated you at 24 and you were 18?
He 100% knew what he was doing at his age and took advantage of the fact that you’re 6 years younger & therefore easier to manipulate as a teenager.
Guys like this often get jealous of their girlfriends/wives (even after she reassures him) because they’re spiteful and want the qualities you naturally embody, and so they then do everything they can to make you question that quality about yourself (& other things too). For example, you work in sales and are easy to get along with/personable, AND his friends like you, and your ex did backflips trying to convince you (& himself) that you’re awkward, stupid, & unlikeable/weird.
I don’t know if he’s insecure about his personality/social skills or went through bullying when he was younger (which still wouldn’t be an excuse for him to treat you badly), but maybe that could be a reason? Often times though, guys could be perfectly fine/good in whatever area that they’re insecure about, and STILL get angry that someone else (like their partner) is good in that area as well (or better!). They enter a one-sided competition with you & make you second guess yourself to the point where you lose your sparkle, and only validation from them will make you feel better. They often also want to alienate you (even if it’s not intentional, but it usually is) because once you’re constantly questioning your every move in social settings especially, you will eventually be less likely to see friends, family, & meet new people. You’ll lose close relationships and won’t develop new one. It’s extremely hard to break free from that if it gets to that point.
Either way, whether he’s insecure or has trauma or not, there’s no valid excuse for his terrible & hurtful behavior that he chose to repeat (even after you tried talking to him about it!!)
Through words AND actions, he showed you who he was time & time again – believe him. And even if you never get a specific honest reason from him for why he behaved that way, it won’t change the outcome, which is that he already repeatedly showed you what he would rather do (knowingly hurt you). Don’t give him the benefit of the doubt that he refuses to give you.
He will likely reach out again with empty apologies & promises, & it might be pretty convincing, but don’t fall for it. & on the off chance he is genuinely remorseful and won’t repeat it, he still doesn’t deserve to be rewarded by being able to have you back – he can go be a reformed partner with someone else, as hard as that may be to consider.
You did the right thing dumping him, please block him everywhere and never go back, as hard/tempting as it may get! You’re young with a lot to look forward to, and when you’re ready to date again, there’s someone out there who WONT go out of their way to put you down/gaslight/manipulate you & question your worth & intelligence, will love you, apologize for their mistakes and try their best not to repeat them, celebrate you, and consistently treat you kindly. Good luck!
He’s too old for you.
Older men date much younger women bc they want to control and abuse them and can do so easier than with a woman their own age.
A woman his age would never stand for this kind of behavior and treatment.
If you were more experienced at dating you could see the red flags more easily.
Definitely get therapy to help heal from this abuse and help you recognize the red flags sooner. You can avoid them altogether.
You obviously are none of the negative things he accused you of being. You are in sales for christ sakes.
You are fine and will be better when you are fully free of his torment and the effects it has on you.
Good luck hon.
Your ex-boyfriend was emotionally abusive. He insulted you, manipulated you and gaslighted you. You absolutely did the right thing by breaking up with him.
You have been manipulated. Just ask yourself do you ever want to feel the way he made you feel around him when criticising you?
This is textbook red pill behavior. They convince guys that the best way to keep a woman is to make her feel bad about herself and that she’s lucky to be with a guy like him. There are actual podcasts where they give tips on how to kill self-esteem so the woman will become dependent on them. You should be glad that his plan didn’t work on you. He is a conniving asshole.
Congratulations! You ended a bad relationship. Everyone’s life is too short to be with someone who doesn’t make them shine. Also it’s weird that he dated someone 6 years younger than him and then chastised you for not being more mature. He sucks and I promise you’re better off from here. Write a list of instances and feelings you had during your time together to remind you that those lows aren’t worth the highs.
This is a textbook abusive relationship. Love bombing, followed by emotional abuse, followed by a breakup, followed up by more love bombing, around and around for all eternity. He is never going to change, because he wants to abuse you. The only way to end the cycle is to stop taking him back.
Classic Gaslighting & Manipulation from what I heard.
You handled it right by enquiring into his concerns, he revealed himself out by not offering anything reasonable or actionable. Appears wanting to establish control over you by undermining your confidence in yourself.
Cut him off like gangrene (not a frequent advise and never with such intensity. I usually am and play a peacemaker, but in this case, you need be saved bigtime).
He treated you like crap. Stop feeling guilty.
He tried to groom you from a young age to be able to control you. I’m glad you stood up for yourself.