Yesterday my girlfriend of a year and a half told me I need to start asking her to touch her (hand on back, arm around shoulder, holding hands, etc…nothing sexual). Context is that we were in church, after service, and in rhe lobby talking with some friends when I put my hand on her back and was just rubbing her back. She asked me to stop so I did. However, a couple minutes later and I make the mistake of touching her again without even thinking. She freaks out as if she was startled and I stop immediately.
Yet when walking around with her girl best friend, who’s engaged and female, she’s hugging and having fun and the works. But the second I try to have the same fun, it’s as if I just made all the mistakes in the world combined into one. She’s suddenly no longer having fun.
Apparently this is an issue for a good while but she didn’t bother bringing it up as she felt as if it would upset me. She said that touching her without asking gets her overwhelmed and overstimulated, but after a year and a half together….I feel like she would just be used to it.
I’m a clingy person and she knew this when we started dating, but now it feels like something’s happening and she’s not telling me what.
I need some other opinions, what do y’all think?
Edit: She shifted blame to me and saying she tried to set a boundary by having me ask and that I’m not respecting it. She’s saying we’re not in a healthy relationship and she’s most likely going to break up with me.
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Yikes
Have you had a chat with her about what exactly her boundaries are? I think she needs to be more clear about it. I would also share with her that it upsets you that when you touch her it’s making her feel overstimulated, but when her friend does it its fine. That part of the story seems odd to me, so I think it’s fair to bring it up with her. If she never wants you to touch her then that’s absolutely her prerogative, but then you have to decide if that’s the type of relationship you want.
Bro , why are with her?
YOu call yourself “clingy,” which is kind of a negative word. You expect her to get used to you rubbing her back in church? Time & place, man, time & place. Her reaction seems extreme but just given what you’ve written it sounds like you don’t have an appropriate sense of when to touch? For eg, my partner and I are very touchy but if we were with our families for eg we would hold off on that touch. If we were in court we would hold off on that touch. If we were in church we would hold off on that touch. And etc. Not good enough to say “Oh I’m clingy welp”
I hate to say this but it seems like she isn’t happy in the relationship. Have there been clear signs of this before this touching situation? I.e., how does she act with you in front of her friends?
It will only get worse
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This is a strange situation, if before there was never a problem this smells fishy, a change in behavior like this is weird, you should talk about it and see where the relationship is going, you are still young and still have time to know new people if the relationship finish
Have more respect for yourself – leave her. It seems that she just backed things up in your relationship. She has every right to do that. But this business of her friend being treated more affectionately than you are is probably hurtful to you.
Even if you were married and your wife downgraded your blanket consent – you need to follow her request. By blanket consent I mean – my wife can reach and take me by the hand anytime she would like to. She can sit right up against me… hell, she can do almost anything – and there doesn’t need to be a discussion ahead of time. Blanket removal of consent essentially puts you in a lower tier with your girlfriend. PERFECTLY FINE, but still a change that might feel like rejection.
If she feels this way, you MUST respect it, and I can tell from the tone of your post that you will. Also respect yourself and go find someone who enjoys your affection more. It’s not like you were trying to cram your hand down her pants. This type of touch is expected (Clarification for the perverts – ‘this type of touch’ = the normal non-sexual affection he and she had shared previously) in a healthy relationship and if she has been hiding how she really feels from you that is a HUGE red flag. She might be sweet but she isn’t honest. Trust is vital.
She deceived you and that is one of the worst kinds of hurt.
Be good to yourself here.
Edit – pay attention if another guy has come into her orbit. My money is on that there is.
Time to end it
She is not communicating about this issue and making mountain out of mole hole.
Move on u are not going to be happy with her any more.
Ditch the religion thing. It makes people weird. It took me too long imo.
She is allowed to not want to be touched, or not want to be touched by you. She doesn’t have to explain it. Ahe doesn’t have to explain why her female friend can touch her.
But you don’t have to stay with her. I wouldnt.
So it sounds like she is having issues with you touching her so this might be where you need to have a serious conversation with her why she is feeling this way because this will cause you to stop caring and grow resentful. if she can’t express herself why she is feeling this way then it sounds like you should go your separate ways. The only thing that I can think of is that she is falling out of love with you and that there is somebody else. Which I hate to say.
perhaps she prefers girls.
Is this an issue she has only while in church or in general? Do you know if she has a history of SA?