**TL;DR; : I had this relationship for 2 years and 3 months now. And, I would call this relationship anything but normal. I say that because throughout this relationship I've been through so many bad and good extreme emotions that I dont know what to feel like anymore, but not because of what I went through but because I was so sure for the past 6 months that there is something bad going on in this relationship and that I need to break up... I was always scared to break up honestly.
Right now, I dont even know anymore my gf is saying that she changes and wants to be the best partner for me and that she fixes all the things that I can say were completely toxic and I see that its not like before and I am supposed to be happy because all the hope I had that maybe things will turn out to be good but I've been with the thought of breaking up for so long and i was suffering for so long that everything is weird to me and idk if its temporary or she actually changes but i feel okay for now.**
I had this relationship for 2 years and 3 months now. And, I would call this relationship anything but normal. I say that because throughout this relationship I’ve been through so many bad and good extreme emotions that I dont know what to feel like anymore, but not because of what I went through but because I was so sure for the past 6 months that there is something bad going on in this relationship and that I need to break up… I was always scared to break up honestly.
Right now, I dont even know anymore my gf is saying that she changes and wants to be the best partner for me and that she fixes all the things that I can say were completely toxic and I see that its not like before and I am supposed to be happy because all the hope I had that maybe things will turn out to be good but I’ve been with the thought of breaking up for so long and i was suffering for so long that everything is weird to me and idk if its temporary or she actually changes but i feel okay for now.
I am in a therapy right now for 2 months already and my therapist was trying to show me that this relationship is toxic for me and I am lucky that its LDR because she showed signs of potential physical abuse, he said that she might have BPD and some narcissistic tendencies but obviosly he is not her therapist so he cant know 100 percent.
Now i will show you some arguments and situations we had (You can skip if you want its for the ones who need more info):
- At the start of the relationship, we talked about not having opposite sex friendships cause we dont believe in it and we both agreed but one time I texted my friend from school(21F) a happy birthday message cause it was her birth day and I asked if she is okay cause she is in the military and there was a war going on that a lot of people I knew from military died in it so I just wanted to make sure and I didnt talk to her other than that at the time we havent talked for a year… but my GF saw the messages and we had the hugest fight over it cause in her eyes I cheated on her. She holds grudge on that to this day.
- We were on video call and I was buying some groceries like protein shakes and there was an middle aged woman who said told me something about how protein works and that I got to much of it and I smiled as a habit and partly because I found it silly since I am really into nutritions and I know. well my GF saw it as me flirting with her.
- My GF wants me to ask for permission to go out mostly the same as she asks me. And not long ago we had a week that we could have time as we usually do so in the weekend she said that she is so happy that we get some time that I dont work and she doesnt have university to go to and we can spend time together and I agreed. But the day after that my friend asked me if I want to go out and I understood that my GF wanted to spend time but I havent went out in weeks so I asked her if I can go and I will take a day off work to make up for the day but she got angry at me because she felt like she is not a priority in my life and that I prioritize everyone else more than her and that I make her wait one more day to be with me.
- We had an argument because she was thinking that I was cheating for so long, the reason is that she saw my beard under my mouth changed color and she was talking about that myth ifykyk and I shave it to hide it but I just genuinely hate my beard. She said she couldnt sleep at nights because she would constantly have a dream about me cheating. Also she doesnt like that I care about people’s lives, like that I could care for other women and that I care for their lives too like lets say If I saw a woman bleeding in the streets in her opinion I should not even call the ambulance cause its not my responsibillity, now she didnt say that like that but I know she thinks that because I asked her if she would call an ambulance if she saw a guy bleeding on the ground in front of her and she said “No, because his life is not my resposibillity”.
If you read those examples from my relationship life you understand what I went through but maybe I dont understand something and if you think I am delisional then I want to know genuinely. But, things seem to becoming better and she constantly saying that she changes. But, I am so burnt out and I cant even feel like I want to be affectionate and in a month there is her birthday and I dont feel like putting efforts I dont want to be a bad partner but I cant help it and I think I will have to force myself.
I dont know what I want anymore even or what to think