For context: My two friends and I are 23F (I’ll call them Sarah and Jessica). Sarah and Jessica became friends 10 years ago, and I joined the group the following year during our first week of high school (9 years ago). However, our friendships were mostly one-on-one then, and we only really got close as a trio during college. Since then, we’ve become a very close group of best friends and have texted in our group chat every day for the past 5ish years. They both still live in our hometown, 10 minutes away from each other. I’ve lived an hour away for my job for about a year.
The past two-ish months, though, the trio has felt more like a duo. Which is bound to happen as I live further away, but day by day, it feels more hurtful. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t care if they hang out together, they’re friends too, and I don’t want to rob them of that! But when I keep hearing about plans they’re making as if I don’t even exist, and as if I’m not actively hearing the plans being made, it’s incredibly annoying, and I’m hitting a breaking point.
They do this in our group chat mostly, and I am never explicitly invited. Although I’m an hour away and likely couldn’t make it anyway, there’s never ever been a “we’re planning this, are you visiting this weekend at all?” or “wanted to make sure you’re invited even if you can’t make it” type thing said.
The last time we all hung out together, about a month ago, they did it in person too — they were talking about a movie night they should have, a cafe they should try, etc, as I was sitting at the table with them in silence, not being paid any attention to as they kept talking. It happened 2 or 3 times that day, and the final time I half-joked, “Damn, am I invited? That sounds fun, I wanna come!” and they were like “Of course you are, you’re always invited!” Which I understand they probably saw it as more of an unspoken thing since I was in the room, but it sure as hell NEVER feels like I’m invited.
I have lived alone at my current place with an extra bedroom for 8 months. Neither of them have visited me. Every so often, when we’re feeling sappy and talk about missing each other, I try to mention how I have the extra space/bedroom and suggest they come visit and we have a girls weekend — it’s always ignored or they’re already busy. About two months ago, I suggested this, and they said they couldn’t. Fair enough, we all have busy lives! Then the next day Jessica visited a different friend of her’s who’s 20 minutes away from me and spent the night there with them.
This morning, I told them I’m coming home for the weekend and that we should do a movie/crafting night if they’re free (we have talked about having a night like this together for months), and they said they’d check their calendars. Three hours later, Jessica texts me saying Sarah’s coming over and she’s gonna throw an impromptu movie/crafting birthday party for just the two of them. She told me the party theme, what they’re going to do, and that she’ll send me pics and videos of the surprise. Which, yeah, I couldn’t make it anyway, and I’d find out about it one way or another. But what’s the point of telling me this, especially when I just tried to make a similar kind of plan with you two for this weekend and was barely given an answer? Is it not a basic life/friendship rule to avoid discussing plans in front of people who aren’t invited?
They know how lonely I’ve been living here the past year and how I’ve struggled to make new local friends. They also both have loving long-term partners, while I’m single, and they know how this makes me feel even more insecure in friendships, never being anyone’s first choice. Sarah’s boyfriend lives 25 minutes from me. She goes to see him every other weekend, but has never once made the short detour to see me. I don’t expect to be the center of their world or anything drastic; I just feel more like chopped liver day by day.
I love these girls and don’t want to lose them. I know a conversation needs to be had with them, but not sure how to approach it without coming across as self-centered and making them feel weird. Since I’ll be living alone here for another year or two, while they have no plans of leaving our hometown, it feels pretty unavoidable that they’re going to get much closer while I keep getting left out. Again, I know that’s part of life and comes with living further away, but it hurts a lot.
I’d love literally any advice on what to do, how to approach this, what to say, if you’ve dealt with anything like this before, how you got through it, if I’m totally in the wrong here, etc.
This is way longer than it needs to be, but I’m really struggling and wasn’t sure who or where to turn to. Thank you :,)
TLDR: Well-established trio friendship, I live an hour away, they don’t make an effort to invite me to things anymore, or to come visit me. Not sure how to explain how I’m feeling to them without sounding self-centered.