I’ve been with my bf for close to two years now.
There are parts of our relationship that really never end up resolved, we just ignore them.
I was very unhappy ignoring things and he kept complaining about the results of ignoring things and I gave up.
I talked to a new therapist and she suggested really talking about things.
I’ve been trying for a couple months now to put that into practice, but most questions are kind of dead ends, he has very conflicting answers but “I don’t know” is the usual response.
I’ve tried to have conversations about our needs, I asked and addressed every unfulfilled need or want he had (within reason) I changed my behavior, and I’m still working on it.
When I stated some of my needs he argued with me, that I was fulfilled because he was doing as much as he could and I was just demanding things.
I ended up apologizing and he made no changes.
That’s how it goes honestly, I’ve brought it up probably 3 times with different wording, and the response he’s given is that I need to beg to fulfill them, or wait until he decides to because what I’m asking for is too much for him.
He feels that it’s very unfair for me to ask him to change,
That I have to fit the way he is and be happy.
I’m not doing any of those, I feel very alone and unwanted most days and I’m tired of it.
I tried to ignore my own needs and desires for a year, and I am still in the same spot I was before giving up for him.
last night he told me he wanted a “natural relationship” which is what he defines as “not talking about things just letting it play out as it will”
He no longer wants to talk about issues, he wants to talk about them “sometimes” but refused weekly or monthly meetings.
So I’m officially alone in this.
So here I am, I need to know and understand how to fulfill my own needs, my emotional needs are the priority, I’m suffering a lot from his use of negging in the past, his dislike of my body, my own childhood trauma and abuse.
It becomes harder and harder to wake up and tell myself it will be okay, purely just because I’ve got so many mean comments and actions telling me I’m crazy and terrible and ugly and unlovable.
I’m struggling to deal with it alone, as I don’t know how inner validation works or how to believe any of it.
I also want advice on how to stop any resentment from building while I take care of him? Im very involved in getting his daily tasks done and I find myself upset that I don’t have anyone to do anything in return for that kind of thing.
I’d like to keep taking care of him, but give him less of myself, I’d like to just meet his needs and be comfortable meeting my own.
TL;DR my bf won’t meet my needs, but I need to meet his and I’m not sure how to be happy with it.
Comments
You can’t be happy with it. That’s not a realistic expectation. When people treat you like shit, it makes you unhappy. That’s normal and the way it should be.
What you can do is leave him and work on being happy single so that you don’t miss out on someone who isn’t a total asshole in the future.
Resentment is a natural result of him ignoring what you want and putting himself first. You cannot prevent resentment, because you SHOULD resent him.
You should also pick your standards up off the floor and go find someone who will at least pretend to care about you!
You leave him. He has no interest in making this relationship work for you. You have tried many times and he has flat out stated that he likes this relationship the way it is: where you take care of him and he doesn’t do shit for you.
What you’re asking for is impossible. We are not robots that can switch off negative emotions. They are there for a reason, listen to them. Or don’t. I hope one day you decide that you deserve better.