I posted yesterday about a bad argument my bf and I got into. It resulted in him telling me to kill myself amongst other insults.
I went to my therapist this morning and he said this is an abusive relationship.
My boyfriend spoke to me with such contempt and I don’t think I can ever forgive him. How do I break ties and not give in to his apologizing?
We have gotten into arguments before but it’s never been this bad. He’s usually enraged when I don’t call him back right away or when he feels dismissed. He’s going to be 40 next month and I really don’t see his behavior changing.
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
get out while you’re ahead.
Wait for him to leave and then pack your shit as fast as possible, block his number, and leave
I allowed my first relationship to get to this point and he became physically abusive not long after. Leave as soon as you can.
Ok. I have had disagreements in every relationship I have ever had. (We all have). Some have been heated (verbally). However I have never ever told someone to kill themselves.
I don’t care what happened before he said that – there is no justification for telling someone you care about to kill themselves.
Just keep that in mind when you break up with him and then kick his number.
You deserve better
This is not healthy in any circumstance and even worse that he’s 40.
Especially as a young woman, this is a dangerous situation. I usually don’t care about age gaps but to me it seems extremely relevant.
I’d even take a male friend to accompany you to get your stuff.
You are still so young, don’t waste your time on someone who’s already far gone, especially at his big age (in comparison). You can and will find someone who will value you so much you will never have to question the security or certainty of your relationship
GET OUT!! Why do you think no woman his own age was dating him? Became he’s an abusive pos. Save yourself. You have a whole future ahead of you. Good luck and update us.
You do not owe this terrible man anything. You can text him that it is over and then block him. You don’t need to meet personally and no one needs “closure” You got your closure when he told you to hurt yourself and I doubt that is the first time he has been cruel to you. He is an abusive, angry man who could potentially kill you. Don’t paint him as some sad little man who needs your love. He is a monster.
So don’t forgive him and dump this loser. He’s 40 and dating girls almost half his age. He’s clearly emotionally immature and looking for people who don’t know better to put up with his dumb ass. You can do much better, OP.
Leave for sure.
Why are you asking us how to break off with him when you have a therapist at your disposal who can warn you of his manipulative tactics and how to counter them while making it clear that you are done and who to contact should he threaten your safety.
Simply reach out and make use of the resources that you have.
He’s not going to change
Just know that if he did this once, it will only get worse. Do I’d you know that staying in an abusive relationship is Sin?
Yes Sin… How do you know that God is not directing you to stay clear of that immature person.
You will more than likely take him back. If you’re seeing a Councellor, this tells me you have other issues. Like perhaps you are insecure. Why else would you even consider going back to a crazed person who just wished you death?
>Is this the absolute end of our relationship?
god i hope so
Girl, you’re 23 and you’re dating a damn near 40 year old who told you to kill yourself. How?? How???You block his calls. Change your number. Abandon whatever you didn’t already take with you and never talk to him again.
You better hope it’s the end
You know.. you could easily just send him a message and say that it’s not working out for you and you want to break up with him because of the verbal abuse.
I know this method is frowned upon, but if he’s verbally abusive, I wouldn’t put it past him to become physical. I’d just tell him you want no more contact and that you ask for privacy and space. Then block him.
This is an abusive relationship. You tell him over text with people who support you with you. “This is over, Do not contact me again” you block his calls and all social media. If he tries to contact you, don’t read it or respond, have one of your friends or family handle the replies. If he shows up, call police.
Understand that the reason a 39 year old dates a 23 year old is so they can control them.
I’m glad you’re self aware enough to realize he is practically 40 years old and behaving this way. That’s a terrible thing to say to anyone regardless. You have to have little control over your behavior to say something like that. Sounds like becoming enraged is a common occurrence. It’s also quite the age gap. As a 33 year old I could never date someone that young. Just in completely different stages of life but I know some age gap relationships really do work. Outside of that this is a scary relationship. Break it off, block him, and go no contact.
He won’t ever change for the better, he will only get worse and more comfortable to be abusive. You need to leave him immediately. Please also talk to your therapist about being attracted to someone that’s so much older than you. You’re so young and have so much ahead of you, please take care of yourself you can have a healthy relationship with someone closer to your age.
The age gap is telling. Block that man and go somewhere safe
The question you should be asking is why is a 40 year old midlife crisis having man with a 23 year old barely starting her life girl.
It’s because nobody his age wants him so he goes for girls who don’t have their boundaries secured enough to where he can TELL THEM TO ☠️ THEMSELVES AND SHE WILL CONSIDER TAKING HIM BACK.
Girl run. He is a loser.
Get your stuff and get out! There’s lots going on here – the age gap and him getting upset if you don’t answer right away… but the first thing I thought was that I have never told anyone – not even someone I hate with a passion – to kill themselves. The fact that he said it to his partner is very alarming
Drop him ..too old for you
There is a reason he isn’t dating closer to his age. Take advice for the 40+ crowd and leave.
He was old enough to join the army when you weren’t even old enough to use a potty chair. Not only is he abusive, he’s also a predator. GET OUT NOW. Don’t even discuss it with him.
When he isn’t around, call a Domestic Violence hotline. They will have tips on how to get out safely. If you are worried he will break your resolve by apologizing, then don’t see him alone. Bring a brother or father or a couple of female friends to buffer you. In fact, have someone with you every time you go to collect your things. Keep replaying all the cruel things he said to you. THAT’s who he truly is. Remember that.
This will never get better. No exceptions. If you live together, pack your things and leave! Go to your parents, siblings, friends, whoever. Just get gone.
This is a grown ass fully formed man who sees no problem with his behavior. He will never, ever change. If anything it will get worse.
Ghost him. You don’t owe that man a damn thing. Block him everywhere on everything. Change your number. You guys don’t have any kids or joint pets, I’m assuming. Take what’s yours and go.
Don’t question that little voice inside that says, “we gotta get tf out of here”.
Your therapist is right, and you’re right, he won’t change. If you live with him, take a level-headed friend or family member with you to collect your stuff and go, or get your stuff when he’s not home. If you don’t live with him, block his number and do what you need to do to keep him away from you. Tell people what’s going on. Do not be alone with this man ever again, he’s dangerous. Anyone who tells a partner – or anyone, for that matter – to kill themselves is not right in the head, nor is someone who becomes enraged when they’re not called back straight away.
You don’t want to be in an abusive relationship. Your boyfriend went too far telling you to kill yourself. Time to start over. Extricate yourself from him. You didn’t say anything about your living together. In the future choose someone with the love skills: good communication, mutual respect, understanding, caring, sensitivity, and love. Why be abused when your a goddess?
“He’s usually enraged”. Most of us can’t remember actually being enraged more than 1-2 times a year. A man that’s frequently enraged is dangerous. Even worse, he probably dumps that rage on you bc he’s a bully that’s too chicken to dump on someone his own size.
Comments have said everything i wouldve. Listen to then OP.
GIRL HES FORTY!!
> He’s going to be 40 next month and I really don’t see his behavior changing
Oh, it will change. For the worse. You’ve aged out of his target demographic.
Youre dating a guy 13 years older than you.
Why did you get this far?