[23F] In love with my professor — it’s an impossible situation and I feel lost. Any advice?

I’m a 23-year-old woman. I met this extraordinary man in October, and now I truly believe it was love at first sight. I was fascinated by the passion in his voice when he spoke about literature, his sarcasm, his tone, and, of course, the way he looks. I immediately felt like something inside me was shifting and, at the same time, falling into place. I saw myself in him—it was as if every thought in my mind passed through him first, and he could decode and express it better than I ever could. He was reading my mind.

At first, I pretended it was just a normal attraction because of his role, but I quickly began to feel the need to get closer. I started sending him anonymous emails (I don’t really know why—I guess I was already too emotionally involved to talk to him in person).

This lasted for four months. He never replied, but he clearly knew it was me. I left him books and notes without ever explicitly revealing myself, though it had become obvious.

Then I had my first exam with him (I scored 28/30), and while we were in his office, he asked me to turn off my phone. He said, “I would like you to stop writing,” and began a long monologue about the age gap, how he doesn’t trust me, how complicated his position is, and how my behavior was inappropriate. But then he also said, “You’re a beautiful and interesting girl—obviously, in different circumstances, in another life, it would have been different.”

I was in shock. I apologized and tried to leave, but he asked me more than once, “Are you sure you have nothing to say, after everything you wrote to me?” I started crying from the tension, but still couldn’t speak. He told me my letters stimulated a part of him he didn’t like—and, of course, that turned me on again.

After that, he started inviting me (and the rest of my small class) to events outside of university every two weeks—something he had never done before. I don’t know if that’s suspicious or not.

I spent a week crying, then decided to talk to him again. I told him his speech had been deeply ambiguous, and that if he wanted to remain professional, he shouldn’t have expressed any feelings that I could easily misinterpret. He apologized—but continued being ambiguous.

He said things like: “You’re dangerous. This situation is dangerous and out of my control. I’m not talking about you—I’m talking about me.” “I’m not sure I wouldn’t lose control.” “What kind of relationship are you expecting from us?” “I always thought there was an interesting person behind those emails.”

His body language clearly showed excitement—he got closer, mimicked my movements, used “we” a lot when speaking. But he also talked about his long-term relationship, the inequality of any potential relationship between us, and kept repeating that I’m a little girl—too young for him.

I told him my feelings were mostly platonic, despite some physical attraction, and he replied, “Don’t play with me.”

After a month of silence and repeated invites, I finally attended one of his seminars. At the end, I was smoking with some classmates (all girls). When they left and I was alone, he said to another professor, “I’m going to say goodbye to my students,” then came up to me, touched my shoulder, looked me deep in the eyes, and said, “Thank you for coming.” I just nodded and looked away. He clearly waited until I was alone, but I don’t know why.

After this, I went to his office again and told him he wasn’t acting normal. He said he was treating me like any other student and that my words were strange. But then we laughed together, like we always do—we have this strange, mutual understanding and connection, and we often debate deeply.

I left him a long note where I expressed my feelings and asked if we could talk about them the following week. He said, “Let’s meet on Monday.”

When we talked, like always, he gave me two hours of his time—time he normally doesn’t have for anyone.

He told me I use big words because I can’t truly love him, that I only love myself in a narcissistic way. He said, “When I see you at my door, my heart tightens because you’re wasting your time. I can’t risk my entire life. I’m not talking about you—I’m talking about me.”

I asked, “Why do you keep saying that? What’s the risk?” and he answered, “Don’t be coquettish with me—you never were.” I felt offended.

I said, “If I’m just a little girl, why do you also say I’m dangerous? I honestly don’t understand. I just want to get to know you beyond all these stupid restrictions, have long conversations—nothing more.”

I started crying. He said, “I’m sorry I said that. I just meant—don’t pretend you don’t know what I was referring to.” Then he looked down and said, “There’s no sexual attraction. No sentimental feelings. I just think you’re smart, interesting, deep, intelligent, sensitive. We’re similar in some ways and different in others.”

I asked again, “So if you’re not attracted to me, where’s the risk?” And he said, “I know how life works, how situations evolve. And I can tell—you’re the kind of person who brings imbalance into other people’s lives. Right now, I want silence. I’ll see you at the exam.”

I kept trying to convince him he could trust me. Then he became more serious: “I bring all these books for you, but I can’t give them to you because you’re not ready. You don’t understand shit. This relationship is becoming toxic and obsessive. I’m not interested in who you are right now—but in who you could become. And if you keep going like this, you won’t become shit.”

I broke down—because he was absolutely right. I said goodbye and left his office. Now I’m depressed, fully realizing I’ve fallen in love with him—and with an impossible situation.

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TL;DR: I’m a 23F who fell in love with my professor. There was a deep emotional connection, months of silent communication, confusing behavior from both sides, and a lot of ambiguous boundaries. He eventually told me the relationship was toxic, and now I’m devastated and can’t stop thinking that we’re meant to be—despite how impossible it all is.

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My question: Do you think he actually has feelings for me too, even if he keeps denying it? Is it worth holding onto this, or do I need to let it go completely and move on? I already do psychotherapy. Thanks for your time🙏🏼