23f-Messed up really bad when I was 16/17 , been regretting for 6 years now.

So back when I was 16(17), I had a boyfriend(A). We were so in love , it was hard to fathom how much I loved him and of course he loved me back . But after school we parted our ways. We were both in a city far from home. Went back, for some reason I doubted him for no reason , he begged I did not listen . We broke up. After 1 year of breakup started talking to this one other guy(B) coz I was missing him and was embarrassed to talk to him. Stopped talking to the guy when he asked to be in actual relationship ( kissingEO, sleeping w EO) we talked for 5 months. In these years 3-4 guys asked me out. Realized that I had this problem of comparing every other guy to him. I never got a boyfriend after him(A). He was the onlt one I held hands w, kissed him. My first and my only kiss. whenever I felt sad, I would miss him. Been stalking him for years now.so after like 4 years I talked to this other dude for like 4 months( never met him)but I realized even after so many years I hadn’t stopped comparing people w him. I started missing him like crazy. after 5.5 years I contacted him just to know how he was doing. I really wanted to know how he was doing I just wanted to see his life. I texted him Hi, after a month of following each other on. We started texting. after 2 months of texting we started calling it’s been 4 months of calling . But he repeatedly ignores me says he is busy . He is kind of busy with his thesis but 3-4 days&no texts. I don’t blame him. But I believe I can’t think of any other dude. All of my friends got bf’s, but whenever I think of getting a bf he is the only one that comes to my mind. I can’t get over him. I am miserable. Atp I just wanna die whenever he says how he felt back then. My mom told me, they will start looking for guys in 2 years ( Iam Indian) They will get me into arranged marriage but I can’t love someone like that!! I don’t want to ruin someone’s life. I want him. I want to go to him, he is not opening up to me . I don’t blame him but I love him. We are not even in same countries anymore. So many years its been and I still couldn’t like someone else. I just want to hold his hand. 🙁 WHAT SHOULD I DO??