[23F] The guy I’m seeing [24M] treats me like a partner, even though we agreed it’s not serious. Now I’m emotionally confused

TL;DR: We said we weren’t looking for anything serious, but now it feels like we’re basically dating. I’m starting to feel emotionally tangled and unsure if I’m being true to myself.

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I [23F] have been seeing this guy [23M] for about a year. It started as something more casual—essentially a friends-with-benefits dynamic. I essentially “picked” him because it did not seem like we were alike in any way nor did it seem like he had a likable personality. But over time, it’s developed into something that honestly feels a lot like dating someone I… like.

We’ve both repeatedly said we weren’t looking for a serious relationship with the other person. There are still imbalances in effort, like on my end I always initiate planning and on his end he’s always the one traveling to see me. His friends know about me, and he’s mentioned me casually on calls when I’ve been sitting next to him—just saying something like, “Oh yeah, I’m in [town where I live] visiting [me].” He also told me recently that his parent knows he’s seeing someone here. On my end, I’ve told my family about him too. We kinda dialed down on sex recently and began dedicating more of his visits to hanging out, going placed together, even joining my friends for hangouts (and he seems relatively at ease around them). I feel like we share a sense of emotional familiarity and care. It’s affectionate and feels safe.

The thing is—I’d concurrently been in other more “typical”, a.k.a confusing or emotionally unavailable situationships. Some were just physical, no feelings. Others were hot-and-cold, with a lot of mixed signals and emotional push-pull (thinking of a guy who literally took 5 steps back when I ran into my friends while walking with him). This is the only dynamic where I’ve felt genuinely treated well—where someone shows up for me, communicates clearly, and seems to genuinely care.

I think his good treatment is hitting places in my nervous system that feel soothing but also destabilizing, because I’m not used to this. At the same time, I know there’s no commitment here. And while I’m not asking for that commitment, it’s getting harder to be in something that feels like a relationship, but still has that unspoken ceiling above it.

I’ve talked to my therapist about this, and one of the questions that came up was: “Am I self-abandoning by staying?” I know I deserve someone who both treats me well and wants to commit. But I also know I’d be genuinely sad to lose this person. I care about him, and we’ve built something meaningful—emotionally and platonically—not just physically.

I think what I’m struggling with most is this: how do you stay true to your own needs in a dynamic that almost gives you what you want, but not quite? When does letting things “run their course” become a way of abandoning your deeper emotional truth?

I have a feeling I’m not the only one who’s been in something like this. And I guess I’m just looking for perspective. Losing him would feel like losing someone important in my life. But it’s also hard to trust my feelings or know if I’m allowed to even want something deeper. I’ve gotten used to suppressing things and over-rationalizing to protect myself. And now I just feel a bit stuck.