23F with 25M boyfriend – We love each other, but our differences (and constant fights) are tearing us apart.

TLDR:

(23F) have been with my boyfriend (25M) for 2+ years. We love each other but fight a lot due to differences in lifestyle, needs, and values.

• I’m active/social and want more affection, he’s laid-back, prefers staying in, and doesn’t show much love outwardly.
• I can be controlling/insecure; he can be cold, dismissive, and has insulted/yelled/grabbed me during fights (says he’s working on this).
• Weed is a big conflict: he quit for me but now wants to smoke occasionally again, which I strongly dislike.
• He’s away on a seasonal job in a party town; I opposed it but he went anyway for money.
• He suggests a compromise: I stop being controlling (texting less, accepting weed, not asking for reassurance), and in return he’ll be more active, take me out, and include me with friends.

Questions:

• Are these compromises realistic, or are we just delaying the inevitable?
• Can such fundamental differences in values and needs ever be bridged long-term?
• How do I know if I should keep trying or if it’s healthier to let go?

Description:

My boyfriend (25M) and I (23F) have been together for a little over two years. We truly love each other and have spent a lot of time together, but lately I’ve been struggling with whether our differences are something we can actually overcome.

He’s a calm, laid-back type who likes relaxing at home, is very focused on building a financially successful future, and isn’t someone who openly shows affection. I, on the other hand, am very active — I love going out, traveling, walking, and just being on the move. I often get frustrated when he prefers staying home.

I also struggle with controlling tendencies that stem from insecurity. From early on, I sought reassurance from him, but he would get upset, tell me I was being annoying, and say that’s not his way of loving — that I should give that to myself. He often came across as cold. I also found myself comparing how much time he spent with friends versus me, and it really bothered me when he stayed out late with them but went to bed super early when he was with me (even though he spent more time with me TOTAL – he tried to tally up the times we’ve met/seen each other which is most often 3 times per week but it was sometimes 1,2, or 0 but really not often) . It made me feel like he enjoyed being with them more.

Another issue: he quit smoking weed about six months into our relationship because I hated it (which was a huge point of conflict at first), but recently he’s said he wants to start smoking occasionally again because it’s a big part of his social life with friends. I can’t stand the idea — it grosses me out and feels like he’s going backwards.

On top of this, he left for a seasonal job on June 1st as a taxi driver by the coast, where he’s also managing some apartments. The place is known for partying, drugs, and nightlife (which he doesn’t do, he purely works). I was strongly against him going and begged him not to, but he insisted it was worth it because he’d earn good money (which he has) to invest in construction. He’s even talking about doing the same thing next year. The idea stresses me out, especially since he’d be with a friend who smokes weed regularly.

A big part of the problem is also how we fight. Up until about two weeks ago, he would insult me, yell, and even physically grab me hard or push me during arguments. He recently promised to change, and I do see some improvement, although five days ago he slipped up when we fought about his job (he feels like I don’t respect him or his job, because it’s not a 9-5, but more of a season thing, which is purely his means to an end to gather capital for future investments – which is not true bc I dont like the job bc I feel the only thing he’s been doing since february is thing about that job)..

He’s now suggested a compromise: I should stop the controlling behavior — not bother him about smoking, stop texting him so much (I really like messaging a lot), stop asking for frequent calls, and not complain when he goes to bed early. In return, he says he’ll become more active, take me out more, and finally include me in his social life with friends (in two years I’ve only met half his friends and hung out with them about four times – he wanted to add here that I kinda acted weird one time so he doesn’t feel comfortable inviting me all the time (I was sleepy and broody bc it was $ a.m. ) , and because of the weed thing, his friends smoke and he doesnt want me there if he cant smoke with them).

I’m unsure if this is realistic. It feels like we’ve tried compromises before, and I don’t know if I can (or want to) live my whole life like this. He sounds more serious now, but I’m questioning whether either of us can truly sustain this long-term. Does anyone has a solution here? I really don’t know what to do.