We have been together 5 years and married two months.
To preface, I have BPD, bipolar, and anxiety. I was medicated but haven’t been in about.. 3 months?
The end of may, I had a miscarriage and was in the hospital.
We got married in June.
The past 3 weeks I’ve been hit with intense anxiety and overthinking that I just cannot escape.
It’s been me thinking about the past, worrying about the current, and constantly wondering if my husband is cheating on me.
He doesn’t do anything that’s solid evidence he would be cheating on me and he told me he hasn’t cheated on the past.
The past occurrences I’ve been thinking about are
-Him watching a transgender porn video
-Deleting an innocent message from a coworker because he didn’t want me to freak out
-The fact that we had broken up once and would fight a lot in the beginning
-Him getting really defensive and mean when I had used his phone for the flashlight
-he used to like videos of other girls on TikTok
All of these things happened 2+ years ago and we’ve discussed them NUMEROUS times but for some reason I can’t stop letting them bother me.
I want to move past them and have a happy marriage but the past three weeks I just cannot stop.
I’ve never done anything to hurt him before so it upsets me and makes me wonder why he’s done that to me.. in all our talks he’s told me that he was stupid and immature but he’s changed and grown, which he definitely has.
I can’t keep living like this and he can’t keep living being constantly accused and having me bringing up the past.. I don’t know why I’m so bothered! I really can’t pin point it.
I’m constantly in a swirl of anxious overthinking thoughts.
He’s apologized and we’ve talked it over every day for the past 3 weeks yet I’m still driving myself literally insane.. he’s getting frustrated having to repeat and defend himself.
When I asked him about everything I’ve worried about from the past, his answers were mostly just “I was stupid and immature but I changed”
I literally went as far to ask the Co-Star app if I should trust him and it told me no so now I’m spiraling about that. It’s like my brain is scooping up any possible thing to worry about.
He gives me an answer to something and my brain is like “nope, there’s a deeper meaning to it” like the porn video, he told me he watched it because he was bored by my brain was like “he’s gay” “he’s not attracted to you”
Or I’m like “you’re worrying about this because it’s your intuition trying to tell you something” “you’re having a gut feeling”
Is this fixable and something we can get past?
TL;DR My husband and I are recently married and for the past 3 weeks I’ve been living in constant anxiety and fear that’s he’s either cheating, has cheated, is going to cheat, or that he doesn’t really love me.
I do have BPD, bipolar, and anxiety. He’s not really done anything to prove he’d be cheating but my brain keeps grabbing onto any little reason to think he is.
I keep overthinking the fact that I found him watching a transgender porn video, he got really defensive and mean when I used his phone a long time ago, and that we had broken up once before and used to fight a lot in the beginning.
I even went as far as asking an astrology app if I should trust him and it told me no, so naturally I’m spiraling about that.
I want to live in peace in our relationship and have a happy marriage but it’s like my body and brain don’t want me to.
Comments
It sounds to me like this is part of your mental health issues. Possibly the fact that you haven’t been taking your medication for 3 months. Are you planning on going back on it? You should probably talk to your doctor about this.
You need to see a psychiatrist as soon as possible.
It sounds like you’re extremely anxious and spiraling and your relationship isn’t helping. I’d recommend seeing a therapist, check out psychology dot com and you can search by location and filter. You’ll get through this! These feelings are temporary.
The large part of your problem is you’re off your meds. Also, seeking professional help will help. You both can’t live like this together very much longer.