Me (26f) and my husband (28m) have been married 4 years, together for 5. We’ve been in a rough patch recently and yesterday it finally culminated where I said I want some space. Here’s some basic points:
- he refuses counseling
- he has said hurtful things about my weight and that he’s not attracted to me anymore. He said if I don’t lose the weight he wants to leave. For reference, I’ve only gained about 20 pounds in a few years. Everyone else I know says I’m not morbidly obese.
- I do have emotional regulation issues, as I am autistic. I struggle with anger. I know I need to work on that.
- he often keeps score. If I improve for a week or two, but have an emotional moment, it’s back to square one and he acts as if I’ve made no progress.
- bedroom is dead, once again because of my weight.
- he doesn’t have hobbies, so every day is the same. Come home from work, I cook, he plays video games, and we go to bed.
Here’s what I’m proposing:
– weekly date night
– me to research emotional regulation/anger management
– positive reinforcement for him, instead of erasing my progress, realize it’s a slip up and a part of growth.
Besides that … I just don’t know what to do. It’s not the worst marriage, there’s no infidelity, no abuse. It’s just .. kind of dead I guess. The thing is, we both want to save it, but I feel as if I’m at the end of my rope. I’m just not happy.
TL;DR: husband and I have a bland marriage, with issues on both sides. What did you do to save your marriage from divorce when there wasn’t anything glaringly wrong (such as cheating or abuse)? Any advice is welcome!
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Him refusing counseling is him refusing to save the marriage. You refusing to work on yourself (anger issues, health) is you refusing to save the marriage.
Why won’t he do counseling? I think you BOTH would do well to be in therapy.
If you have no children you should separate. If one party isn’t willing to put in the work, the marriage is dead. He’s not attracted to you, he told you himself. Personally, I could never stay with someone who feels that way about me. My husband is still so attracted to me after 14 years and 3 children together, I practically have to peel him off of me. When men want to, they will. Don’t beat a dead horse.
Leave and work on yourself so you can find love with the right person in the future.
Why do you say he wants to save it? It doesn’t sound like he has any interest in changing his attitude or behavior.
You should ask yourself what is your motivation to save this marriage?
He refuses councelling, is vindictive of weight gain, you are autistic and have emotional regulation issues. This is just a disastruous combination. You cant just bring something like this back to life by having some date nights and going to therapy, the desire from both sides has to be there, and it sounds like neither of you have it, anything else is delaying the inevitable.
And as for your point that nothing is glaringly wrong like cheating or abuse, why are you together if you dont have sex or enjoy eachothers company? That is already a failed relationship.
I guess my main question is why you want to stay with him?
He doesn’t sound kind to you. It doesn’t sound like he tries to be kind or do anything for you, like plan dates, get you flowers. Doesn’t sound like he spends quality time with you or wants to try new things with you.
What was the last time he did something sweet for you unpromted?
> he refuses counseling
So he doesn’t want to fix it, then. Because he knows a therapist will tell him that he doesn’t get to put this all on you, and he doesn’t want to do the work of figuring out why a non-life threatening amount of weight gain is such a big deal to him, or how to let go of stuff, or just plain not say mean shit when he’s annoyed about something.
To be fair, maybe you need to work on that last one, too. But you don’t need to wait for him to go to therapy. I’d just focus on figuring out why or how you think this is going to get better when he’s only capable of putting in any kind of effort for a week at maximum, and isn’t willing to admit it’s not working and seek help.
I challenge the notion that he WANTS to fix things if he’s refusing counseling. From what you said, it seems the blame for everything in the relationship is being placed on you. What actions is he taking to improve things?
If you both went to counseling he would probably hear a lot of things he doesn’t like, aka the truth.
Gaining 20 pounds isn’t that much. I would never want to be in a relationship where someone would say something so hurtful about my body. Your partner should be your safe space.
He doesn’t want to be married anymore. He may tell you he wants to fix it but words mean nothing without action.
Why do you want to save your marriage? Apart from like, not wanting to be a divorcee, and the autistic fear of change. There doesn’t have to be cheating or abuse for the relationship to be worth ending, it’s okay to walk away if you’re not happy.
If we won’t do counselling which is the most common first step for two willing people to save a marriage, you’ve already run into a wall.
Also I believe attraction is important but if you’ve only gained 20lbs and he’s saying he’s lost attraction to you, I think you’re dealing with a lost cause.
have a baby. that fixes most marriages
If he’s refusing counseling go by yourself, it’ll help you work on your anger management. You might just find you wouldn’t be angry if you off loaded a husband.
Also, you’ll want to be feeling your best so hit the gym and get a good food program because nothing makes emotional problems worse than tight pants cutting into your waist.
Video games are his hobby, wouldn’t be any different if he sit at the table gluing together model airplane pieces.
If you both want to save it, why does he refuse counseling? It’s the best option for making things work. You both are inherently who you are.
While you can, & should, work on emotional regulation and even succeed 98% of the time, there will still be 2% that you’ll have an outburst. While this should be fine, it doesn’t sound like he’s going to be ok with that.
He is inherently someone who will keep score, throw it back at you, make you feel bad about yourself and threaten to leave. (All are emotionally abusive). What help is he getting to work on that?
Sex lives ebb and flow but intimacy should remain. A touch, smile, hug, compliment or gaze that makes each of you feel loved and appreciated is imperative to any long term relationship. If you want it to work, it takes 100% from both of you, including a willingness to push yourselves and be uncomfortable.
It’s not going to work because of number one. You say you both want to fix it, but that is not true. If he wanted to fix it, he would be willing to do WHATEVER IT TAKES. He’s refusing the NUMBER ONE thing that could help. So he does NOT want to fix it. He wants the same thing he has always wanted – he wants you to lose weight. Sure, he’ll agree to your date nights but he won’t do it unless you give him his demands first. That’s not going away. If he refuses counseling, then he’s not really willing to do any work. And what he wants is the same -for you to have the same exact body you had when he married you. Good luck if you ever have kids or reach 35 years old. 20 pounds is part of life, and this man is going to leave you eventually because you cannot keep yourself from aging and changing and having sometimes hormonal weight changes. You are a human being, not a machine. Also, if your husband loves you as a person, his attraction to you would not DISSOLVE IMMEDIATELY over 20 pounds. He’s admitting that you are only your physical appearance to him. Nothing else is worth staying for. And even though you probably look great, he’s upset that you’re not PERFECT. Why would you even CONSIDER trying to stay with this person?
And that’s without the other gems here:
– he’s petty and keeps score which is toxic AF and the quickest way to end a marriage
– he attaches your value to your personal appearance and HIS level of attactiveness to you, which is toxic AF and emotionally abusive
– He’s a dead end person with no hobbies, interests, or social group. He works and plays video games. He puts all the pressure for his happiness on YOU. YOU need to make him happy or YOU are bad. What? He’s an adult? This will be your life forever, by the way. Why are YOU attracted to HIM? Tell him you’re not attracted to him anymore and you want to leave because he’s boring and you don’t want to be married to someone who bores you. I wonder how he’s feel about that.
Anyway, I know you don’t want to hear it, but if he’s saying no counseling right off the bat, there’s ZERO chance for this marriage. He’s not even willing to take what SHOULD be the first stsp. Why? Because actually honey he doesn’t really care about you as much as you seem to think. He’s not willing to work on anything, go to counseling. He’s just manipulating you but in the end he’s still saying the same thing. You lose weight or he won’t love you anymore.
Please dump this AH
Do not do couples’ counseling with this guy—he will weaponize it.
Commenting so I can come back to this if I lose it, need to do this in my notes app (AuDHD,) and I know you’re getting mostly the same answers… Stand by, lol!
Are you trying to fix this marriage
Or are you trying to fix yourself so he doesn’t leave?
Why do you think you’re the guilty person? He does not sound like a good person at all? Plus, the things you listed would be reasons I’d divorce him. Simply because you two don’t seem to be a match. Do yourself a favor and move on from him while you’re young.
I would give anything for one, just one, of these posts to start with My husband and I.
That said, nothing in your tale makes me think this relationship is worth saving.
Go to counseling yourself if he won’t go.
Your husband is the equivalent of the “cool” people in high school who joined your research project acting like they liked you because they knew you would do most of it. They swore they’d do X but then Y comes up. You’re going to bust your ass to try to save your relationship, but unfortunately, marriages don’t work like high school research projects, he doesn’t want to do the work, and your life is going to reflect that D- until one of you cheats or dies. it’s time to drop the dead weight.