I’m 26F, my boyfriend is 28M. We’ve been together for 3 years and living together for 2.
For the past year, he hasn’t worked at all. At first I thought it was burnout, then it was “the job market is tough.” But honestly, it feels like he has become comfortable while I keep everything afloat.
Every bill, every errand, every responsibility falls on me. Rent, groceries, internet, his phone bill, even the small things like cleaning supplies. He doesn’t help financially, and he barely contributes emotionally or with basic chores.
What hurts most isn’t even the money, it’s the way he dismisses my stress. When I try to talk about how exhausted I feel, he waves it off with “You’re young, you’ll earn more” or “It’s just temporary.” But temporary has already lasted a year, and my patience is wearing thin. Lately I don’t even feel like I have a partner. I feel like I’m parenting a grown man who refuses to take responsibility. It’s draining, not just financially but emotionally too. Tbh, I’ve even got a little password-protected Macaron log on my phone where I’ve tracked the past year’s expenses (almost like evidence if things keep going this way, though I’m not sure I should even need that (just in case) ). And yet, even with the numbers right there, what really crushes me are my worries.
I keep wondering: if this is what late twenties looks like, what happens in 5 years? In 10?
I’d like to hear from others who have been in similar situations. How did you cope with carrying both the financial and emotional load when the balance in a relationship felt one-sided? Or is it time to leave?
Comments
How does he rationalize his lack of contribution?
Like… what does he tell his friends and family? What does he tell himself?
>Lately I don’t even feel like I have a partner. I feel like I’m parenting a grown man who refuses to take responsibility.
Tell him this while you’re dumping him.
Time to leave. It’s understandable if it was a rough period but even then a good partner would actively be contributing in other ways…. He should be grocery shopping, he should be cooking your dinners, helping meal prep, and he should be cleaning the house.
He’s not even supporting you emotionally. It will only get worse.
Lastly…. Tell him to pay his own phone bill
i dont have experience with this, but im gonna you to LEAVE. he sounds like a drain. if he’s staying at home, the least he can do is do chores. what is he doing all day?
is trying to get a job? does he have a part time job?is he in school, a trade program? Something is better than nothing.
That’s not a partner. That’s a leech.
There is no excuse for his behavior. None. Start planning today to leave.
As everyone else has said, this is a warning sign to leave. Red flags. This keeps up and you stay and he gets what he wants-a fuckmaid
Ummm, if he isn’t working why isn’t he doing 100% of the house hold chores ??
Haven’t been in a similar situation but I think it’s time to leave. Yes the job market is tough but is he actively even looking for a job? More importantly he’s dismissive of your feelings, that’s not going to get better and the longer. You don’t have a partner you have a grown child.
Last year I spent 7 months looking for work. Every single morning I spent at least a few hours searching and applying for jobs. Every single day.
And that was as a skilled professional with significant job skills.
So yes. The job market is tough. But that’s a reason to work harder on finding or training for employment, not giving up.
I think it’s time for you to ask him to move out — this isn’t a short bobble from someone who has established themselves as a reliable partner, this is a pattern you can’t afford to have established as the norm.
When does your lease end? That might be a good target date. Just plan on not renewing the lease and finding your own place.
“With you not working we can’t afford this big place, I’m going to move in with a friend and you will need to make your own arrangements.”
Girl. Girl. Get out. This guy is an absolute loser who is taking advantage of you. He contributes nothing. He’s an emotional vampire just sucking you dry…. But don’t worrrrrrry, you’re young, you’ll earn more. Jeez he’s a dunce.
In my decades long marriage the financial burden has been carried by one or the other of us multiple times. Do you know what the out of work partner did? Everything possible to make the life of the working partner easier. Do you know what they did not do? Minimize or disregard the burden. Do you know what else the did? Actively look for work or take temp or intermittent work to fill the gap.
Your partner is not a partner but a dependent. You need to ask yourself what you are really gaining from the relationship, make a plan and move on.
I have been in this situation, except that we had a child. It does NOT get better. No coping mechanism works, except making plans to get him out and following through.
Dumpppppp him
hes is not even remotely acceptable as a “partner”. I’d rather be alone with my extra money than paying for a deadbeat. a couple months of job searching fine, I’ll help cover but a year? kick his ass out and become indignant about it like “this motherfucker here thinks he can ride for free, hell no”
You feel like you’re “parenting a grown man who refuses to take responsibility,” because you are.
You don’t have to settle for this or make yourself OK with it, not in your 20s and not ever. His behavior is disgusting at any age.
i assume he has good qualities too or else you wouldn’t have chosen to be with him, but it sounds like it’s time to call this. You’ve given him a year of your time, energy, and compassion. He’s done nothing except slide further into comfortable dependence and dismiss and gaslight you when you’re understandably upset about it. How much longer do you want to invest in this black hole?
He needs to get a crap job. School bus companies are desperate for drivers.
And he needs to be doing the household chores.
Turn off all streaming services and game subscriptions, and stop buying his favorite snacks. You cannot afford it.
If it was just a roommate that was a leech, how would you handle it?
In what way is this a partnership? Sounds like you have a dependant
Ma’am, it sounds like you have a hobosexual on your hands. He doesn’t sympathize with your stress, he enjoys it. He needs you to be a stressed out producer so that he can be a relaxed parasite. Maybe it’s time to take out the trash.
Love is Respect. This is a good website to check out if you want to confirm whether you’re in a healthy relationship.
Why does he do that? This is a link to a free PDF about abuse tactics people use to control others, how to handle those situations, and what abusive actions look like.
By the same author, Should I Stay or Should I Go to help you answer that exact question.
I know not everyone has access to therapy, so this is a good start if you don’t.
He’s just a boyfriend, not a husband. Easy to drop this dead weight.
Hobosexual
He’s cuckooing you. Happened to my daughter, she married the prat, now divorced, he was a narcissist. Get rid.
Dump that hobosexual man child and run!!
He’s just using you at this point.
My mom stuck with that guy. 30 years and hes barely worked. He’ll work a tiny bit here and there to keep up the image that he intends to work. Anywho, its destroyed her entire life but now she feels like she’s too old to leave
I have been in this situation more than once. And with the same person.
Learn from my mistakes. If something changes, like he gets a job, he’ll be too preoccupied “catching up” on things he WANTED to buy but couldn’t. And you’ll still be stuck paying for everything because it’s become 2nd nature now. And chances are if he’s taken a year off without a plan, his next probably won’t last long. And neither will the next. And neither will the next. Meanwhile, you’re being drained in every which way, not being heard, and keep telling yourself, “It’ll get better. This job will be different.” And you’ll allow yourself to believe that it isn’t his fault because managers are just difficult. And this will continue for more than a year and you’ll feel trapped and unable to get out…
Like I said, learn from my mistake. I wish I had. Leave now and make yourself happy. I’d rather struggle alone than struggle keeping someone else afloat and still feeling alone.
He’s neither contributing to the finances nor the upkeep of the house, he belittles your feelings…what is he offering you?
My 6 year old contributes more to our household than your boyfriend.
Move on. Don’t waste your time with him.
Your suspicions are correct and he will not change and he will not take responsibility. What you see is what you get. Drop him before you become resentful and bitter because that will hurt you in the long run.
The job market is for sure tough but he is also not holding up his end as a partner, in the ways that he is able to and should want to. “How did you cope with carrying both the financial and emotional load when the balance in a relationship felt one-sided?” You don’t. Can you get out of this ASAP? He’s draining you. Do you rent and are you both on the lease? Look at your legal options.
My ex-husband was this guy. When I’ve finally got fed up and left, he had a job within 2 weeks. Different economy, but even so. You deserve an equal partner, and this guy isn’t capable of it.
I work less hours than my partner and do 80% of the housework because I want to spend every free moment with him instead of on the couch watching him doing chores. Right now is a sunny afternoon and I’m home ironing our clothes so that tonight he’ll be free and we can go out together. This is what partners do.
Have you not seen those broke boyfriend vids on tiktok? This follows those scripts to a T lmao
Time to move on. I know it’s easier said than done. He’s a full grown adult mooching on his girlfriend at 28 years old and that should be embarrassing for him, but it doesn’t seem like he gives a shit. It will not get better
He doesn’t work, doesn’t help around the house, doesn’t listen to your concerns. What does he do?
Men like this perfect being a successful parasite. They drain your money and energy and give you just enough “love” that you don’t want to dump them and leave them in a hard spot.
But make no mistake, if this person loved you and cared for you, he would do everything he possibly could to contribute to the household and keep your stress as low as possible.
He would take care of the house so you don’t have to. He would do the shopping and cooking. He would manage any chores or errands or whatever to make your life easier. He would be looking for a job and/or opportunities to bring in extra money to take the heat off of you. He would talk through your anxieties when you express how you feel about the situation and do everything in his power to make it right.
Which of these things is he doing? Sounds like none. That isn’t love. That’s him using you and keeping you just above the line for acceptable unhappiness so he retains a place to stay and keeps his free ride.
Edit: fixed typo
He is just leeching off you!
You have a toddler, not a boyfriend
If he wants you to be the breadwinner you should be coming home after work to a clean, tidy home with dinner prepared and the laundry done. After dinner you can clean the table together and wash and dry the dishes together. Or take turns.
Otherwise tell him he’s got to get a job or get out.
Eww, he sucks. Move on with your life – and MAKE SURE – you don’t get pregnant in the meantime.
This is the kind of guy who might try to baby trap you so you have to take care of him forever
Assuming you’re at the break up point (which I think you should be!) then the next question is “When is your lease up”? Whatever you do, don’t sign a new one with him. If you’re on month-to-month you can go find a new place and then put in a termination notice. This way you’re not saddled with him holding a potential eviction over your head if you don’t keep paying. Just make sure you understand your lease and what you need to do to terminate it before-hand.
If he’s not putting in the effort and isn’t even open about whatever is causing him to not look for work then there isn’t much to do other than break-up. It’s been a year! It’s not your job to help him figure it out, especially if he’s not communicating about any of the reasons or isn’t putting in effort.
And as you alluded to, if he is comfortable with not putting in the effort or communicating now, it will only get worse in another year, five years, etc. The longer he doesn’t work the harder it’s going to be for him to get back into the job market and the worse this situation will be.
The song “Why Don’t You Get a Job” by the Offspring is maybe something you can start playing passively aggressively throughout the day.
Yeah no, if you’re 100% financially supporting a partner that is physically capable of working and/or helping around the house but not doing either of those, it’s time to leave.
If your partner was a mature person that cared about you, then at the very least you’d be coming home from work to find all of the chores completed. No matter what you do to push for change, expect this behavior to be this person’s default setting that they’ll always come back to.
i’m in the same boat, truly with no advice, just here in solidarity, it’s scary and it’s stressful and feels so lonely. i love him more than anything, me and my guy have been together since highschool, and im constantly feeling like i don’t know what to do. hang in there, i truly can think it will have to get better, but if your guy has no interest in getting better nothing will change, that part has to be your choice
I mean why would you want to stay with him? You probably value the connection and comfort, but if he isn’t even providing you with emotional support then uhh ?
You are not his partner. You’re his mom and your son is a spoiled brat.
He doesn’t care about you evidenced by the fact he allows you to handle everything and contributes nothing not even emotional support which is free. Someone who likes you let alone loves you wouldn’t want to be a burden like this. I’ve been a guest at a party and helped clear dishes and took out the trash.
You need to leave him. He won’t make a (permanent) change because he likes things the way they are. You’ve shown him you can handle it all on your own. He doesn’t want to contribute and he won’t.
He’s not going to wake up one day and decide he’s being unfair. He’s going to resent and resist any attempts you make to get him to contribute and feel like/say YOU are being unfair.
Love yourself (and him) enough to force him to get off his a$$ by pulling the breaks on this gravy train. Prepare to move asap because getting him out will be a nightmare. He’s going to fight tooth and nail to keep his life of leisure at your expense. Don’t fall for any promises of he’ll do better. It’s a lie to extend the grift!
It’s been more than 2 years, so the boyfriend/girlfriend- acting stage of your relationship is over. This is what it’ll be like from now on. Never better, possibly worse.
Do you want the rest of your life to be like this?
No? Send him away.
I didn’t cope. I felt too guilty to leave because they were good at that. I got suicidal. I got cPTSD once emotional abuse ramped up. I finally left and wish I had been brave enough and cared enough about myself to have done so years earlier.
He’s a user and a bum. Dump him.
He’s not a partner, he’s a mooching man child/hobosexual. Dump him and you’ll lighten your load immediately.
It’s definitely time to leave. He’s an emotional/financial vampire and he’s going to suck you dry, and not in a good way. Either you leave or you stay and raise your boyfriend.
Please leave the hobosexual. He’s very comfortable and nothing will change until you leave.
He isn’t a partner. He uses you for everything he could possibly want, while offering nothing in return.
Me? I’d be long gone.
There have been times in my marriage where I was not contributing a lot financially because I was building a business.
Guess who did most of the housework, the grocery shopping and nearly all the cooking?
Not him. That would hardly have been fair, would it?
Your situation is completely unfair to you. I can’t imagine staying with someone like that.
Think how much lighter you will feel, without carrying a grown man around on your back.
Been there, when I was 25 my boyfriend and my son’s father who was 40 had no job. He excused it because he got money from the military, it was just enough to cover our rent, which was very cheap because his brother owned the home, and pay a few bills, and he watched the children. I couldn’t really afford to leave, then I figured out while I was working all day he was cheating on me with a friend who was a SAHM with a husband who worked more hours then me. I came home for lunch one day and she was there with her child, she said it was a playdate. They were both smoking weed in our bedroom, so nothing X-rated but it was enough. If he’s not doing a thing around the house, who is he doing while you’re at work?
My advice- kick him to the curb. A year without any financial contribution? He’s worthless. He’s not helping you in any way, you don’t have children he’s caring for so the only thing he’s done for you is cost you money. Imagine how much cheaper your expenses would be without covering his phone, food, or even electricity he uses while home all day.
I’ll tell you what it looks like in 10 years. I have a friend who is 40 with a husband like yours. He hasn’t worked consistently in a decade. She pays all the bills, and does 80% of the chores. He spends all day sleeping, playing games, watching movies, etc. When she comes home, she has to find/make her own food, despite him being a trained chef and being at home all day. When their (elderly) dog has issues, he calls her to come home from work and take the dog to the vet (by herself). When they had to put their dog down, she went alone because he said it was too sad and refused to go with her. He got an inheritance somewhat recently and spends it on gaming chairs, equipment, etc. He runs 8-hour gaming tournaments on the weekends, while she holes up in the bedroom. He recently had a fall and now she has to take care of him, while also spending money to hire a dogwalker because he’s incapable of it. He doesn’t talk to her about her life. He got her gum for Christmas, and did not do anything for her birthday except say “happy birthday” and eat takeout with her and agree to watch a movie she wanted to watch.
Is this what you want your life to look like in 10 years?
He’s leeching off you. He will keep leeching off you. He’s not even apologetic that you’re doing everything for him and he’s not helping you.
Unless he’s disabled, hit the road Jack.
He IS comfortable, and has learned he doesn’t have to work because he doesn’t face any serious pushback from you. Obviously the answer isn’t to stay in this situation because you are getting used. You ARE allowed to break up with him. You are evidently financially secure enough to support both of you, so pull the plug and cut your costs in half.
Girl, no. Yall aren’t married and it doesn’t sound like you want to be. This is NOT your responsibility and in this economy, you’re shooting your own financial interest in the foot. What if you were investing the half of your money you’re spending on him? With compound interest it’s astronomical. At minimum, approach him again to have an honest conversation but if he doesn’t show signs of pursuing something, you can’t keep this up.
No ma’am. You’re not his momma. He could help with the household chores if he can’t find a job.
You’re not his gf. You’re his Mom. Run before it’s too late.
If I could go back in time to my 20s to kick the freeloader of THREE YEARS out of my life I would do it. The majority of that relationship I was basically working sometimes 12 hour days and he was home smoking weed while playing video games. When he did work he didn’t pay an equal share of the bills so I was shocked at how I actually had more money without him. He used to jack up the heat or run the ac when I wasn’t home so sometimes I’d be paying $500+ electric bills.
Well, the good news is that you have demonstrated you can completely support yourself with no help. Now give yourself a gift of. Make your whole life better, OVERNIGHT, on the very first morning you wake up after kicking him out.
Imagine this. You come home from work and the place is exactly as clean as you left it, all the groceries you had in the kitchen are still there, none of your leftovers have been eaten, you don’t have to coordinate with someone else’s needs or wants on every goddamn decision or action in your day, no one is asking or expecting you to do anything, and there’s no ass-dent on your sofa. Just luxuriate in that idea for a minute. And then do it.
Don’t bother trying to rationalize this with him or get him to agree with your point of view. He won’t. He’s invested in not understanding that point of view because like you said, and you’re correct, he’s very much comfortable with how things are. So don’t waste your breath. You know the truth. You don’t need his agreement to act on it. You’re not gonna get it. Act on it anyway.
Just nod and smile and “OK whatever” through all of the “you’re giving up on us “, “you never loved me“, and “you must be cheating/seeing someone else”. Because I guarantee you he’s gonna pull out all the stops to preserve his current arrangement, anything and everything he thinks might get you to change your mind. Ignore all of it.
Hard to do after a few years together, but better now because it will not change. Is your home in one or both names, utilities, etc.? If it’s in your name only you have options to get him moved out, not saying it will be easy. Start planning an exit strategy, save up, get a new place, move and block him. You have to put yourself first. Sounds like a manbaby found someone to leech off of.
In maybe our 3rd year I got made redundant during covid. Not only was I paying my share of rent (slightly reduced) with the payout, I was also completely taking over house chores. 6 months later, thankfully just before I ran out, I was back in employment in my industry. It also wasn’t for lack of trying, even local supermarket jobs had waitlists!
Last year I got SA during a work trip and also left that role. With legal kerfuffle and trauma I didn’t contribute to house bills for about 3m but was covering my phone bill/car etc not that I was leaving the house..) and also found a very small part time job with a friend’s law firm (only 3 other female employees) as I was recovering from PTSD as a gentle transition to return to full time employment, then at least I could contribute a small amount for about 6months as well as take care of chores. Also started an art side business (not incredibly successful but I was TRYING).
I didn’t want to 1. Put too much pressure on my partner (key term, partner!) 2. Cause him to resent me. Neither of us have ever made enough to comfortably have a house-husband/wife and it was a situation forced on both of us, not an agreed step for us both.
Due to how we handled both times, we actually grew closer. I was able to accompany him on some work trips, if he had a quiet day we’d do something fun. Although money was tighter, he had less to worry about at home, and I didn’t have to worry about taking the piss. The thought of being a deadweight leach is repellent. How your boyfriend is comfortable with this is crazy. I don’t think he can see you as an equal if his expectation is just that you will carry the pair of you from now on… without trying to make your life easier in anyway, without trying to make changes to the situation..
Fwiw, i felt so much shame in being unemployed and not being able to contribute….
Girl. What are you doing.
Giiirl that’s embarrassing. At 26, that’s not life
You’ve encountered a parasite. Even while physically and mentally ill/disabled, I’m going to school and doing a job. In a very tough job market where I live. He should be doing all the errands, all the cleaning…
This guy should be ousted from your live immediately
Of course it’s time to leave.
He is a leech,and a happy one to leech on you
Girl, you’re a single mother to a manchild.
Why are you with a hobosexual?
Run now.
A pest looking to nest and rest as burb n boujee would put it.
I can’t seem to figure out what you need him there for.
The world’s largest documented intact tumor ever removed weighed 303 pounds. How much does yours weigh? He’s sucking everything from you and giving you nothing back. The patient had her 303 lbs tumor removed and made a full recovery. Hint, hint.
Sounds like you’ve got yourself a big fat case of hobosexual, ma’am. Say goodbye.
All joking aside – this does not get better, and this is exploitation.
hey so i went through something similar while my boyfriend was going through a rough period with his mental health. during that time he had multiple hospital stays, and he still managed to find multiple jobs during this time, he just had trouble keeping them. during the periods of time when he wasn’t working, i expected him to keep the house clean and for the most part, he did. THAT is what trying looks like in this situation, and your boyfriend is not. it’s time for you to choose yourself and go.
When you feel like a parent, you don’t have a partner. If you haven’t already started resenting him, you will soon. Resentment turns a relationship toxic.
Leave! Trust me, I’ve been in the same situation.
I know you love him, but love is also a verb.
What is he doing That shows that he loves you? He’s fine with seeing you struggle. He’s fine with letting you have all the responsibility financially and domestically.
He doesn’t love you. he loves what you do for him. Anybody can say I love you but love has to be intentional and it has to be shown.
Let’s be real. If you had a friend whose boyfriend treated her like that would you tell her to stay with him?
Ruuuuuuunnnnnn
You’re not expecting too much. Raise your standards and tell this man to get a job or get out. I would say this regardless of gender. Stay at home boyfriend/stay at home girlfriend (with no dependents to care for) is not a viable long term option.
When I was growing up, my dad was unemployed for several months 2 separate times. He’s a white collar professional in a very niche area of business, and both times, the job market was tough.
The first time, he ended up taking a job halfway across the country and lived separate from us for over a year. It sucked. He did it anyways. Never cheated on my mom the whole time he was there either – he went to work and then went to the gym for 2 hours each day and then went home and had a beer and played xbox live with my brother and me and then went to sleep. The second time, he ended up taking a low paying job well below his qualifications and was absolutely miserable there for years while he worked his way up the ladder and got into a better job with better pay. It worked – he’s back in a great position now and makes good money but it was a long road and he was pretty depressed for a while.
As a kid, I didn’t really understand what was happening. All I knew was that suddenly my dad was home all the time and my mom never did chores anymore because my dad always had them done and we never got takeout because dad always had dinner ready. He was also working his way through the household project list for both us and my grandparents and was buying furniture and refinishing it and then selling it for a profit on eBay.
As an adult, I see the sacrifices he made and I know he did it for us and because he would not be able to look at himself in the mirror if he wasn’t working in some way, shape, or form when my mom was taking on extra hours to make ends meet. Anyone who doesn’t have the same attitude is not a partner you want. (Physically not being able to work is entirely different but it sounds like that is not the case here.)
He could just swallow his pride and at least get a part time job at like a grocery store or something to help out.
The fact that he hasn’t done ANYTHING is a problem. My girlfriend makes a lot more than me right now (she’s a nurse, I have a history degree 😭) but I’ll still work, not just give up completely and expect her to do everything, even if my contributions aren’t as much.
It’s not about the money, just the effort being shown so you don’t feel alone.
Look, idk much about the situation, but if he’s just lazing around the house all day it could be depression. You mentioned that he barely contributes emotionally, which sounds a lot deeper than just “this is a lazy man.” Either way, you’re not a therapist and you’ve supported him long enough. It’s past time for you to be more direct with him, because it sounds like he’s being very indirect with you and making excuses to avoid the root of the problem.
If he needs help, he needs to go out and get it and fix himself, because you need help as well.
Drop him. As an Indian man, if he’s not doing his part, leave him
I’m currently unemployed. I have a good amount of experience, a solid resume, I’m looking actively everyday for stuff to apply to, regularly interviewing, and I still haven’t landed anything after 8 months. The job market is indeed very, very tough right now. But chores and errands that me and my husband used to split evenly, I now do the majority of. My husband is covering a lot of the bills, but I contribute where I can using the savings I have because I don’t want him to have 100% of the financial burden. I support him emotionally when he comes home from a bad day at work, and he supports me when I’m feeling really down about my job search. Being unemployed does not mean I stop being a partner.
The real problem here is this man is not being a partner to you in any way. Why stay with him if he’s contributing absolutely nothing to this relationship other than stress?
Do you also do all the cooking and cleaning?
My dad did this when he lost his job. Mom was working, and he just … Decided no job was good enough except the perfect job. Which doesn’t exist. Mom had to quit her job for him to start working again.
You are not married. Hopefully you don’t have kids with him. I would give him a deadline. This is not fair to you.
You need to leave girl. He is literally just your grown child.
Does anyone else wonder if this is AI?
He is a leech. A gold-digger. He’s fine with this situation and it will continue unless you stop it by breaking up. If he wanted he would earn money, I know that and you know that.
My husband and I decided I would be a stay at home mom, even though it meant we would have a few harder years. In that time I picked up gigs teaching ESL, nannying, and now part-time contract web work.
If he won’t hustle now, he definitely won’t as he gets older and has more responsibilities.
Yep. I had a girlfriend who stopped working. I did and paid for everything. She expected me to take her out to eat all the time as well. Finally I asked her if she could cook sometimes since she was home, and she got all huffy. “So you expect me to be a little housewife?” I was like “if you’re not working, then yeah, kinda. Either that or working are kinda the options here.”
OP, maybe your partner is like mine was: wanting a job in their chosen field after school and feeling like anything less is a humiliation. But they need to contribute to the household somehow.
helpcontributeIt’s not helping when you live there
Tell him to leave! This is not someone you want to go through life with especially if you want children down the road.
A couple years ago there was a story like yours here in 2XC, and someone wrote something like this: “You don’t have a boyfriend, you have adopted a child. Did you want to be a single parent?”
That hit me kinda hard, because I’ve sometimes joked about wanting a househusband, but then I had a picture of a househusband who doesn’t do any of the work, and that is absolutely no good. I read your post and started to wonder if there’s some way to ensure that a stay-at-home partner actually does all the things a stay-at-home partner is supposed to do.
That’s not a partner, that’s a manchild.
The job market is tough but that’s no excuse for him to be dismissive towards your feelings and be lazy in every other way. What are you getting out of this relationship other than a big headache?
Kick his ass out.
I would stop paying his phone bill. He needs a little motivation.
So drop his ass and his bills
Why are you parenting an adult 2 years older than you? Honestly that’s just pathetic, I would lose all the attraction to my partner if I were you
So he stays at home all day, doesnt work, doesnt contribute anything financially to the household, & isnt doing 100% of the chores? Why are you putting up with this? You should have done been gone. It feels like you are parenting a grown ass man because that is exactly what you are doing. If he had feelings for you he would spend every second of every day looking for any kind of a job & do all the housework. The fact that he isnt shows what he really thinks about you.
OP please make an exit plan. I had this same relationship in my late 20s. This is not a partner, there will always be an excuse as to why he can’t step up. I wish I had cut ties earlier bc your 20s should be about you and your development for what you want in the future and just having fun. If he’s not helping you get there he’s holding you back. The effort he’s giving you now is all you will ever get.
Boy bye 👋🏻
He needs to take ANY job that will hire him at this point.
If he’s stuck because he’s depressed, he needed to already be in therapy and/or medicated.
He dismisses your feelings because he isn’t empathetic. Either he lacks empathy. Or if he did allow himself to image what it feels like to be carrying such a huge load, it might trigger a deep feeling of shame. It’s much easier to minimize your experience.
My suggestion: ask what’s been going on. Could he be depressed? If he won’t talk about it or won’t get help, he has X days to find a job. When that cutoff arrives, it’s time to talk about breaking up & moving apart.
To put this in some perspective, I am retired from the Army, so I’m young and fairly able-bodied. I bring in a pension, which is a comfortable amount. My husband and I agreed I would stay home and just be retired (which sounds more appealing to me than SAHM).
I do 90% of the grocery shopping, 80% of the cooking. I do laundry during the week so weekends can be spent as a family doing fun things. I take our son to the doctor, cat to the vet. We never run out of soap or shampoo or toilet paper because ai check and maintain these things.
My husband is an equal parent when at home, he helps with dishes and tidying after dinner. He runs errands on the weekends, but he does not have to work full time, then come home and do everything.
You deserve better than the guy you are seeing. No ultimatums, he just needs his 30 days notice. If you rent, get your landlord on board now.
Been there, you have moved on to resentment and its time to set him free. He won’t change until you do. (if ever)
Get rid of him. I get loving someone and wanting to see the best in them, but he is completely taking advantage of you.
My current partner (29M) was unemployed for about 8 months last year after his previous employer did mass layoffs. He was always looking for a job, he kept the house clean, hell he did my laundry while I was working and keeping us afloat. He took what he could off my plate because he knew I was stressed with work and bills.
Rough patches are okay. They happen. This is not a rough a patch and you deserve better.
OP, a lot of people have already commented on what a user this guy is, but I don’t see a lot of people also bringing up how he reacted when you told him you are stressed.
He had all the choices in the world, and he chose to dismiss you. You are doing poorly and he is telling you he doesn’t care enough to change a thing. He likes using you and he knows it.
If he was depressed, he could have opened up. If he was ashamed, he could have admitted it. If he was ignorant, he could have been so shocked. But in all of these he should also be so sorry. If he cares, he is sorry.
I point this out because we all often give too much benefit of the doubt to people and don’t believe us when they show us who they are. We are quick to empathy and slow to consequences. How he treats you is not what love looks like. He is using you. Please don’t let fear of being alone or your sunken cost of time or money keep you in it. You will never get back what you have given.
He’s had a year to improve his situation. He’s done nothing because he would prefer to be a parasite. He will continue to be a parasite, sucking up your money, time, and effort. Please put yourself first and hit the road. Even if he does “wake up” and make some changes, they will not last. Choose yourself.
Dump him
You dont have to live like this!
This man sees your stress, and his response is apathy and dismissal. He can’t even be bothered to help with basic chores or even contribute financially, despite living there also.
He wants to be seen as an adult, yet he acts as a child. You feel like a parent because you essentially are one. This man has made you his mommy. A mommy he gets to bang, who also takes care of the house and provides for him. Gross!
You’ve already tracked how you are being taken advantage of. So its time to do something about this.
It’s not worth it to float his lifestyle while you run yourself ragged.
OP doesn’t have a boyfriend. She has a parasite. He waited till he thought they were comfortable enough so he could just stop making an effort. If she insists he gets a job or she’s leaving, he’ll get one for a short time and then conveniently get let go from it. Then it starts all over again.
You don’t have a partner. You have a problem. Being a working primary parent now in my 40s, things (habits, personality traits, accountabilities) only get more difficult to combat as we get older. If this is him in his 20s, I can’t imagine the excuses he will have later on in life.
I implore young people: listen to your gut. Give yourself the benefit of a true break from these worthless “relationships” to realize and appreciate your true potential.
It’s time to leave. You know that you can take care of yourself. No need to enable and finance this guy’s lifestyle.
That is a not a partner and I would call it quits.
My ex-husband was always an asshole about money. His money was his money and my money was “our money”. When he did have a job, he spent money on what he wanted and put money in his savings account even though we were in debt (because of him, mind you. Credit card debt from having to pay a bail bondsmen to get him out of jail, a loan that was used to pay for his lawyer, and more credit card debt because I still had to pay “my half” of the bills when I was struggling to find a new job even though he could have afforded the bills without me at that particular time). And then, at some point, he stopped working. And I had to shoulder absolutely everything. Including his addictions, which I was afraid to tell him “no, I won’t pay for that”because he was an abusive shithead. After he maxed out the credit card, he expected me to figure out how to get extra money to continue to feed his addictions. He “tried” to work. But, that just consisted of getting a job and finding an excuse to stop going after a few weeks. I’ve since divorced him and am now remarried to someone who is an actual responsible adult who works really hard. And I’m still paying off my debt from my ex-husband several years later.
So, just my two cents, to me it seems like your boyfriend is indeed “comfortable” and is using you to fund his life. The job market is not so bad that he can’t get a job. He might not be able to get a job he WANTS, but he can still get something. He’s choosing not to take a job he doesn’t want at the expense of forcing you to have to pay for everything alone.
How is this relationship benefitting you?
If you’re not ready to break up, then he absolutely should be doing all the errands and everything else that could make your life easier. Not just for you, but also for himself and his mental health. He needs to keep active and moving so that he keeps his energy up for finding work, and if he’s genuinely struggling, then doing everything he can destress your life would be the bare minimum he should be bringing to the table as a partner. If he hand waves that, if he doesn’t think he should, then as others have said, he truly is a leech. And one with no respect for you, or self respect either. You can’t build a future with someone like that.
How do responsibilities “fall on” you? Genuinely asking.
Like, if I had to pay the rent check once without my partner contributing, we’d have a discussion about exactly how and when he will be paying his share. If he refused to have that discussion or did not participate in it fully, I would use my words to explain how unacceptable that is, and remind him that if he chooses not to discuss finances with me at all then I will choose to stop cohabiting with him. Which I will, and we both know it.
If I had to be the one to clean the toilet twice in a row, we would have a discussion about why he is refusing to do his share of the household tasks. If the problem reoccurred, we would have to speak more seriously, and I would remind him that if he chooses not to do his share of household tasks then I will choose to stop cohabiting.
If I felt that I was the only person doing both paid AND unpaid work in our household for one week, and there wasn’t a specific injury or illness causing him to need this support, we would have a discussion in which I would remind him that if he chooses…you get the idea.
That’s how boundaries work; you have to know what your standards are and what you will do when someone fails to meet them. Until now, you have communicated to your partner that your standards are for him to do…something? maybe?…and if he doesn’t meet those standards, then you will tell him you feel bad about it. He has made it equally clear that he isn’t going to do something, at all, and he is totally okay with hearing you say you feel bad about it.
It is up to you whether you want to continue living this way.
I got divorced, honestly. You aren’t getting anything out of this at all. Time to drop the dead weight.
He couldn’t take something “beneath him” while still job hunting? Shit, Mcdonald’s is paying like $14/15 an hour now. At least it’s SOMETHING.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but as a dude I’m not comfortable being a leech on someone else’s efforts.
That’s a hobosexual, and you do not owe him any more of your one, brief, precious life.
You’re just 26. Ditch the loser, he won’t improve with age.
Fly you fool
What are you doing? Why are you supporting an able bodied King? Get rid of him now!!!!!
This is on you now. Letting someone grift off you? No!
Storytime!
My ex was a go-getter once. He was in the military and thrived with the structure and built-in friendships. I worked part time and did the lion’s share of the household chores (cleaning, cooking, mowing the yard, laundry, etc) I was happy with this arrangement because it felt fair – he worked long hours and I made my own pocket money and kept house. He got injured and declined to renew his contract after his 6 years of service – he would have been medically discharged in less than a year anyway if he hadn’t separated. We moved back to our hometown to be close to family. I got a full time job within two months of moving.
After that, he went to school off and on and had two jobs for a total of 13 months of employment over six years. He earned a certification but no actual degree. He never did his VA benefits or disability. He refused to leave the house for social events. He literally sat in the living room playing video games all day, every day, until early in the morning. He still didn’t contribute to chores. He wouldn’t even pick up after himself – he would build huge soda can castles on the coffee table and leave food wrappers where they fell. His clothes were just in piles wherever he took them off.
Eventually, he used my car (that had a tracker in it) to go cheat at a hotel and I immediately dropped him. I got my car out of the hotel parking lot, drove it home while he desperately tried to log into my uber account, and took a laundry basket worth of stuff to my friend’s house. He actually called me a few days later asking when we were going to meet and talk it out! Lol. We were divorced in 8ish months.
Don’t be me. Don’t let him leech off of you for years and years while you make excuses for him. “Oh, his mental health… oh, he had a bad childhood… oh, he’s traumatized from his time in the service… oh, he’s disabled…” okay but if he actually cared about you he would do something for himself. He would see you working your tail off and want to match your energy instead of being a good-for-nothing lump on the couch.
You don’t need to wait for something to “happen” like I did. You’re unhappy, and he has refused to rectify the situation. A trial separation might knock some sense into him, but don’t let him back in until he gets ALL of his shit together – therapy, job, and a plan for moving forward. Or just boot his lazy ass to the curb completely!
Came here for this.
I’m a recruiter and career coach. The market is so so difficult right now.
But also, he’s a leech. He better pick up a broom!
Eventually you’ll stop being attracted to him because he’s treating you like a mother, not a partner (if it hasn’t happened already). Then he will constantly whine about not getting enough sex, further adding to your stress and unhappiness. You deserve much better. DTMFA.
I’ve been in this exact same situation. 2 different times with 2 different morons. This is your life, is this really how you want to live? They won’t change. Why would they? Leave and live your life.
How did I cope? I didn’t. I was depressed. Cried every day. It didn’t get better until I left.
We found another hobosexual in the wild, peeps.
I’m almost 50, but this happened to me in my 20s. Story below, advice at the end.
Boyfriend got laid off. He did nearly no housework, despite me paying for everything. After several months he became depressed. I did my best to be encouraging, and urged him to either get any job he could in the mean time, or to look into going back to school. He resisted this.
I asked him to pick up the slack at home at least, he responded by doing the weaponized incompetence thing. He’d either fuck up the task so badly that I didn’t want him to do it (ruin clothes, break dishes, break appliances, spoil/ruin food), or just straight up “forget”. If I reminded him, no matter how polite I was about it, I’d get called a nag.
I redoubled my efforts to get him to go to school or get a different job at least, until he could find something in his chosen white-collar, office job career. The gap in his resume was turning into a chasm. So he got a McDonalds job, and made a point of getting it at the one closest to his old job for maximum humiliation – he’d serve his former coworkers in the drive-through. We lived in a large city, there were a multitude of other places he could have gotten a similar job at. He made damn sure I knew how humiliated he was that I “made him” get this bad job.
He also went back to school. To one of the many Universities in our city? No. To one of the public tech schools in our city? No. He enrolled in ITT, a shitty, expensive, for-profit “school”. He had bad grades in high school and it was easier to just sign his name and take out colossal student loans to go to this fake, predatory school, than to work with a public University or Tech School to figure out what he’d need to do to get admitted. For years afterwards he insinuated that he now had this large student debt because I “made him” go to school and there was no way he’d ever get into a real school. (He did not consult me about this decision, otherwise I would have tried to get him to not do this).
After 3 years, he finally got a job, because I got him one where I worked. He did the same job as me, and when he started, he started earning 30% more than me, because? penis? I guess?? They did adjust my pay eventually to match his. Not exceed, just match.
Looking back, this is all really embarrassing. Possibly the most embarrassing part is he left me a few years later. 6 months after he left me the company we worked for got bought out and they laid off half the staff, including him, but not me. Lolololol.
I kept hoping he’d get his shit together. That if I could just give him the right support he’d grow into a great guy, I saw so much potential there.
Anyway…
Advice:
It sounds like you’ve already decided what you need to do here, you’re just looking for reassurance and working up the courage to do it.
FWIW, I agree. This is who he is, it is unlikely he will change. Make your exit plan, spread your wings.
What’s your exit plan?
If he had health issues preventing him from working, he’d be in treatment. If he’s not, therefore it’s not burnout/health issues.
I want you to imagine yourself in your own shoes in the future – let’s say this is all the same for 5 years. How do you think your future self would feel about your choices now?
Even if the D is phenomenal, it’s not worth the cost of supporting his lazy, manipulative, freeloaders ass.
He’s shown you who he is (a parasite) and how much you can depend on him (zero). You know what needs to be done.
Do not stay with your unemployed partner who doesn’t lift a finger at home. You need to end this. This man is stealing resources from your future.
My husband and I have each had periods when one of us wasn’t working. Including when we were dating and living together. When one of us isn’t working, we naturally discuss budget and finances very frequently. We discuss and reassign household labor and expectations.
Right now I’m unemployed after a lay off. I’ve been out of work for less than 3 months. We discussed me not starting a new job over the summer to take a bit of a break and focus on getting some house projects done. In that time I was still interviewing, applying and getting unemployment. Currently I’m more seriously interviewing and applying. I’ve got some tiling planned through the weekend. I do about 75% of household labor right now, including dog exercise. We have discussed how our budgets and goals must change based on my employment. We have discussed our needs around my next role and how that affects our goals for this chapter and the next chapter of our lives.
That’s what partnership looks like.
You are 26. That is when you build your financial foundation. This is when you have a lot of options to find a good partner. You’ve got lots of time to do so with other people looking to get serious. Don’t squander this time.
Oh and this? This is him on his best behavior. This is him trying out for the role of husband.
When I (f) lost my job, my wife supported us financially but I did EVERYTHING else. Cleaning, cooking, laundry, shopping, all of it. It felt awful to lose my job and it took me nearly a year to find something, but if I wasn’t working my ass off at home I felt so much guilt. I don’t understand these guy who feel ok being so lazy???
There was a name for that kind of people, hobo-boyfriend? Anyone knows what was the name for it?
Edit! Found it, it’s hobosexual!
OP, Yeah, it would be different if you are married for a long time, or if there was any good reason for him not working.
Just because he “doesn’t feel like”, is the worst possible scenario.
And it’s not that everyone has to be 100% productive all the time, but being supportive partner is a bare minimum in a relationship. He is just a leech.
You don’t need a big reason to break up with someone. Don’t make a production out of it. Just tell him that you’re done and help him pack his stuff.
The sooner you do it, the sooner you will get your life back.
OP this was 100% my situation at your age. I kept thinking things would get better. But they got worse. He ‘got board’ because I was working all the time and started cheating (blaming me for his cheating). He will not grow out of this. He will be like this in his 30’s. Mine ex is still like this. I had his entire family including his grandpa on my phone plan when I was 31. I kept giving him the benefit of the doubt.
Please learn from my mistake. Have the strength to end it or if you’re not ready emotionally for that; have him move out of your home. (It’s your home cuz you pay for everything and do everything).
Please don’t be like me. You’re in your mid 20’s and have many years to meet someone who’s more compatible with you and your life goals. Do not have a baby with this guy, you will be a single mother in this relationship.
I met my now husband after I kicked my ex out when I was 31. I wish I hadn’t wasted my late 20’s keeping up a dead beat. But I’m almost 40, happily married to an awesome guy with our adorable baby.
Your 20’s feel hard because he’s making it hard.
Edit: spelling autocorrected to wrong word
Leave this leech
Been here done that twice never again. I’m better off with my kitties than with this BS stress.
Get away from him and heal yourself before dating again.
Fuck men that do this BS.
Tell him to either get off his ass and get a job or do all the chores, or get lost. You can cope on your own. Food bills will be cheaper. No phone bill.
If you’re the breadwinner and he isn’t working, he needs to be the stay at home partner and take care of the house. But, he’s not behaving like a partner. What are you keeping him around for? It’ll be cheaper and less exhausting to just take care of yourself.
A year with him not even trying to contribute is too long. He needs to get any job, even mowing lawns or retail or anything he can. He is probably depressed, but that doesn’t mean you have to enable him.
Honestly the best thing you can do FOR him is to leave and let him realize he needs to take action. He is not entitled to your labor and he is acting like he is.
Day labor exists. Part time work exists. Anyone can get a job.
Kick him out. If he won’t leave you leave. He is using you. He won’t change. Don’t saddle yourself with a user and a loser.
It’d be one thing if he was unemployed and picking up the slack in other ways e.g. taking over the lion’s share of the cooking/cleaning/etc. But doing nothing at all while also being unemployed and by the sounds of it not making much effort to change that? That goes beyond being selfish and verges into outright abuse territory. Get out if you at all can.
I made this account recently because I’ve been tempted to speak up about how something similar has been affecting me. He has Reddit too and I blocked his account, but I’m still scared that he’ll see my words and it’ll be a whole big fucking thing.
I’m 37, and he hasn’t had a job since Obama was president. It’s been that long. I’m constantly ‘robbing Peter to pay Paul’ even though I make decent money, I’m still living paycheck to paycheck. I had offered to show him my budgeting spreadsheet, as a gesture of showing that we’re on the same team. He thought I was trying to make him feel bad about not working. He says I’m financially abusive because I control all the money.
It was only supposed to be temporary, I thought. The goalposts kept moving. Different reasons kept popping up as to why he couldn’t go back to work.
We’ve been together for thirteen years, and with his physical and mental health issues, he won’t see a doctor. I’ve signed him up for Medicaid a few times. But doctors are people, and people are incompetent, he says.
I’m so goddamned depressed. I don’t mean to make your post about me, but I just want to say that being the breadwinner is so stressful.
Edited to add: He does a lot of the housework, so I’ve got that going for me, which is nice. He takes care of most of the meals (honestly lots of packaged frozen ____ put on a sheet pan and heated in the oven) and I do appreciate it.
Keep re-reading what you wrote until you decide to remove this anchor from your life.
I am self-employed and make considerably less than my partner – we’re talking thousands and thousands less. The type of work I do is exhausting mentally and I can’t stand working full-time hours.
But, I also: manage all bills (track and pay except my partners CC – I still remind him), clean the apartment myself, sort laundry for washing and drying and folding, manage our pets food, meds and appointments, handle friend get-togethers, book rental vehicles, plan trips, do all Christmas shopping, reach out to his family to figure out fam-events, wash the dishes (by-hand), and so on and so forth.
No kids.
He has ADHD so part of all the above is necessary since he has a horrible working memory.
He pays all “living” bills, and all my extra money goes into our investments/debt payments or entertainment (video games mostly cause we’re still working on increasing income for the travel we wanna do).
And yes, I work anywhere from 4-12 hours a day with breaks from home.
….
Get a new partner.
I’d chuck him, but if you want to try and resolve this you need to give him a deadline. Like he has 3 months to find full-time work and 4 months to start contributing equality to expenses. The most important part is that you are firm on this boundary or it’s never going to change.
I had a husband like this. Had is the key word. I got divorced because it turned into years of him not working or doing anything. I now have a spouse who does his fair share of the work.
What does he do all day while you work? Sounds like nothing. He should at least be doing laundry, cooking, and cleaning.
Call his mom and tell her she needs to pick up her child
How much pot does he smoke and what’s his favorite video game?
Kick his ass to the curb now. The longer you wait, the worse it is.
Hi, I’ve been both people in this situation!
When I was the Provider, my then-partner worked a lot. Put in so many hours of valid work as an artist. When she was stuck, she’d do more around the house, cleaning, etc. I don’t think I made food for like a year.
Her reasoning was that me working a job I didn’t quite like was needed for her to work towards a job she’d enjoy, and that time needed to be compensated for in efforts on her part.
As the Unemployed person, I take care of my partner. She works a lot. Problem is, I’m disabled, so I have days where I can’t even function and need her help. It sucks. So there are chores she has to do no matter what, since I’m unable to.
But there are also things she never has to worry about. I take on the complete mental load of the household. I keep tabs on what need to be done and when. I do all errands, and I’ll tackle any task I can tackle myself. She has lunches every day, homemade when I’m able, otherwise from the very stocked pantry because again, I know sometimes I can’t move. I make her overnight oats and fancy coffee everyday, ask about ways I can improve my cooking to her tastes, take care of our cat and his meds. Stay on top of bills, take care of her car. She doesn’t know what day the trash needs to be on the curb, but it’s written on the calendar in case she ever needs to know. The woman is busy. Her home should feel like a warm hug. And it does.
She’s perfectly capable and does not expect these things from me, but I do. If we’re partners, then we’re partners. If she gives more in one sphere of our life, then I’ll do more in another. It’s simple math. My job is to make her life as easy as possible while I am actively looking for a job.
What you have is a leech. He’s hoping that by giving you the bare minimum of reassurance, like “you’ll get more money eventually”, you’ll be able to continue as is. Making you doubt yourself is a powerful weapon. Don’t fall from the sunk cost fallacy of staying with him. This relationship cost you a lot of money, yes. But every day you stay with him is money and time you could invest in a future you actually want.
He’s happy, because he doesn’t have to do anything, for the mere cost of a simple comment. “Job market is hard”. Sure, bud. It is, which means you should work harder.
He’s happy to do nothing. I’m happy to help. You deserve someone who wants to take care of you and your life together. He’s not doing that.
Why not kick his ass out?
Time to leave. Don’t blame yourself, as this kind of situation can creep in slowly. I had an SO where they lost their job and I was in your shoes. It goes from “be the supportive partner” to “wait, this person is a leech” over time. Unless there is some ramification for them not getting a job, they simply won’t.
This guy is a loser
You have a parasite attached, sucking out your lifeblood. To yourself, for tolerating this out of him, you’ve already lost.
HOBOSEXUAL ALERT⚠️!! If you live in a metro area he could at least do gig work like Uber,cashier, anything to help with the bills.
When will women learn to not give marital privileges to boyfriends????? If you need to split living expenses, get a regular roommate because roommates with benefits never works in our favor.
Girl, leaveeee
RUN…when the rent is up, break the bad news to him that he’s going to have to find his own place to live. BTW, start moving your stuff out a little at a time to your parents house if you have them still. Tell them the situation. Do not let on you’re ending the relationship until the landlord asks you to re-sign the lease. When his meal ticket says the party is over, it’s going to get emotional. I hope there are no guns in the house.
I had a husband like that. Got a divorce. Highly recommend 🥁
First, tell him he has one month to find a job. After that, stop buying groceries and making dinner for him. Stop paying his cell phone bill. Oh he needs clothes? Get a job.
Alternatively, kick him out. Tell him you’ll pay for a day out, like golfing or something he likes to do, and while he’s out, pack his shot in bags and change the locks. Remove your card from his bills. If you want to be extra, cancel his phone while he’s out.