Hi Reddit,
Throwaway account because I don’t want any chance of my boyfriend (26M) finding this.
We’ve been together for 4.5 years and recently moved in together. Honestly, it just felt practical. He was already staying over most nights, helping with rent, and his old place got sold.
But now that we live together full time, things feel unbearable. He’s mean, distant, passive-aggressive, and constantly critical. During our first week living together, he told me he hated it. Said I don’t have dinner ready every night and that the apartment is too small. (It’s a one-bedroom in San Francisco.)
His commute is now an hour and a half, while mine is about 25 minutes. He won’t let it go. He keeps saying I should move closer to his job because mine is “less demanding.” He works in finance. I also work full-time. I already pay more in rent $2,200 compared to his $1,300 and yet I’m always the one walking on eggshells, apologizing just to keep the peace.
A few weeks ago, we went out and couldn’t find parking. He snapped and said, “You never think. I’m not sure a thought has ever gone through your mind.” I told him that if someone overheard him, they’d think he was being cruel. He exploded and yelled in public, “You’re such a f****** b****. I spend all my money on you just to be treated like this.”
That’s been a pattern. He’ll do something nice and then throw it in my face later. I end up regretting that he did it in the first place.
And honestly, this isn’t new. He emotionally cheated with a coworker about a year into our relationship. I forgave him, which I regret. There have been other red flags over the years. Too many. I think I minimized them because breaking up felt like too much to deal with at the time. Now I feel like I’m waking up.
So here I am, realizing I’ve probably been tolerating way too much for way too long. My question is: how do you actually get out of something like this when it’s been your life for years? I feel drained, ashamed, stuck, and like I’ve wasted my twenties. But I’m also scared to blow up my life.
I don’t need judgment. I know I should have walked away sooner. I just need advice on what to do now and how to start moving forward.
TL;DR
boyfriend 26M becoming increasingly mean to me 26F after moving in. It’s only been a few months but he continues to treat me poorly. How do you move on after almost 5 years?
Comments
OP, no judgment. Sometimes, you need a huge smack in the face to truly face you have an awful partner. I hope this is enough to help you start to walk away.
This is who he is, and it won’t get better. You won’t be blowing up your life. You’ll be reclaiming it.
YOU deserve better.
End it now. It will only get worse.
Kick him out, he sounds like he’s practically begging for it.
Oh, and you should read up on the sunken cost fallacy. Wasting your 20s, maybe, but it’s better than staying with someone who doesn’t respect you and wasting your 30s, 40s, and potentially having children with a miserable human. Get out while it’s easy! You will find a better partner.
Is he on the lease? How long until it’s up? If he’s not on the lease, break up with him and tell him to get out. You don’t deserve to be treated like this, the first red flag in this was him getting mad that you didn’t have dinner ready when he got home at night like ???? Also his emotional cheating and calling you names, and demanding you change your job (or does he mean you two should move somewhere close to his job) to make him more comfortable about the commute is gross.
But the big thing is him being verbally and emotionally abusive to you. NOT OKAY. Like I said, if his name isn’t on the lease or its close to renewal, tell him to get out and you’re done. If he’s on the lease/you’re not close to renewing, please pack some stuff up and stay somewhere safe, like a friend or family. Also look into therapy, and MAYBE suggest you both go to couple’s therapy/ he gets personal therapy
You’re going to blow up your life, yes, which will be fabulous as you will allow space for respectful people who actually care about you. You also did not waste your 20s. This is a real important life experience, learn from it, you will have strong boundaries and not tolerate such poor behavior and treatment in the future. You know what you have to do. It will be hard. Consider talking to your friends/other people who care. They will help you. Don’t fear their judgement. Worst judgement to fear would be from your future self if you stay.
When you feel more alone and hurt while you’re with your partner then if you were single, that’s when you need to walk away. You deserve someone who won’t make you feel bad about yourself.
Breaking up and walking away is the hardest part, but it only gets easier from there.
Google and download the PDF for why does he do that inside the minds of angry and controlling men by Lund Bancroft. I promise it will help you.
Milestones in relationships are common times when abuse starts or escalates. It’s not your fault. He is absolutely being abusive and while leaving is your decision to do or not, you do need to realize that this kind of dehumanizing and degrading language is a marker that he will escalate this to being physical with you. Please start making a plan to get out. If it’s as simple as breaking up and him leaving your home, then great. If it’s more complicated than that, then take some time and make a plan. Either way, your life could be in danger because sometimes men like this escalate quickly when you put a stop to the relationship.
Lady, I married a guy who pulled that act with me. Married 5 years, together 7. I divorced him when I was 33.
And my life has been amazing, wonderful, and full of joy since then. That’s not to say I’ve never felt negative emotions, but NOW I GET THE POSITIVE EMOTIONS, TOO!
Met my second husband , 12 years ago. Without question, he is the love of my life. He’s funny, smart, sexy, patient, kind, and has helped me through some incredibly stressful times. He is my rock and my safety.
And you could be free to find YOUR love of your life! If you feel guilty for your BF, look at it this way: He wanted something you aren’t, and now he’s mad at you for not being that. He might not even know it. But he’ll get madder and meaner about it. Wouldn’t he also be happier to be free to find the person he should be with, instead of you?
Your age is a beautiful time to break up with this bf and be free. You have so much life and love ahead of you (and you don’t even have to deal with the expense of a divorce to get it!).
Cussing at you…. Over the smallest of things, it starts with verbal abuse and most of the times into physical abuse down the road… not always turns physical BUT emotional abuse is JUST AS harsh and mentally tiring and traumatizing as physical abuse too. Not worth it! You are TOO young to be staying around, wait for the lease to be up or whatever and get out of that mess before you end up married w/kids and the process gets 100x harder.