Hi All,
My girlfriend and I have been together for 6 years in September. I truly love her so much. Her ability to show me true unconditional love, Her kindness, her nurturing mindset, her humor, her nose bridge, her hair, her smile. I am in love with so much about her.
We live together in my apartment on the weekends and we’re looking for a house, where we will live together full time. Both work full time. She works in fast food 5 days a week so she’s on her feet 8 hours a day and is looking for other jobs with her degree.
She was slim when we met, probably 130-140 lbs, 5’3. She started to gain weight 2-3 years ago when we graduated and the stress of job search and family stressors (the women in her family call her fat, tell her to lose weight, get a job, etc- she says this is a cultural thing but I know it’s terrible for her confidence).
I have always been supportive of her body and choices. I love her curves tbh. She’s gorgeous to me. However now she is around 180 lbs – this is not curvy anymore. This is obese-level BMI and it’s not healthy. I feel so sad thinking about how she feels when she sees that number. I struggled with weight in my teens and it messed my mental up badly, but I made changes and have a lot of healthy habits now.
She was diagnosed with PCOS a few years ago which is a driver of the weight gain as well as stress. She also struggles with snacking. Loves her chips and Cheetos and stuff while watching TV. I love that she has those little “getaways”, but it makes me sad to see her stay up late eating Cheetos and stuff, sleeping in so late, etc. It breaks my heart to see how she is slowly removing clothes from her wardrobe for less revealing, more baggy items, but won’t buy bigger clothes. It’s really hard for me to tell her to change her snacking or buy different clothes because I feel like I’m forcing my will on her. So I just keep quiet because I don’t want to hurt her / don’t want to be a dick, and I love her for more than her physical appearance.
I am afraid to bring it up to her because it’ll break her heart, tbh as it would mine. I also can’t just not say anything though, because it’s getting to me and that’s not fair to myself or her to hide my feelings and eventually resent her. This is my fault for not bringing it up / addressing it earlier and I get that, but I can’t rewind time.
How do I go about this? I want to support her getting her confidence back and getting into shape, but I also want her to want it and don’t want to force her.
I think long story short I’m just sad that my girlfriend’s confidence and energy is low due to her weight gain. I’m afraid to break up because I love her. I’m afraid to bring it up because I don’t want to break her heart. I’m afraid to keep quiet because it’s eating at me.
Comments
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The most likely outcome here is that she will continue putting on weight. You could try to encourage or nudge her to be more healthy but that normally doesn’t work. People usually lose weight because THEY want to and not because their partner nudged them to do so.
So you really have to ask yourself if you’re okay with her putting on more weight in the future. If the answer is no, then you’re gonna have to have a heart-to-heart with her in the most delicate way possible. Emphasize that you’re concerned with her health. But realistically speaking, this conversation probably won’t produce the results that you’re looking for.
She ostensibly has a mirror and a scale. There is no need to “inform” her that she’s gained weight.
All you need to decide is if this is a good fit for you now or not.
You two have been dating since she was 19 and you 21. It’s pretty uncommon to end up long term with someone you meet in your teens or early twenties as a lot changes in your twenties.
If she wants to lose weight and make the changes necessary to do so, you can be supportive. But nothing is going to be accomplished by having any other type of discussion about it.
You sound like an understanding, respectful and kind partner. I would let her read this post. I can feel your pain coming through your words and hopefully she will too, and know that you only have her best interest at heart. My partner actually addressed this with me about a year ago. It was hard to hear. I cried. But he was so kind about it and just said that he feels like I’m not my healthiest or best self. I most certainly wasn’t. First he asked if I wanted to make some changes, and then all he did was ask or offer how he could help make them happen. I am grateful every day because 70 pounds later, we go to the gym together, we walk together after dinner, and we grocery shop together to get excited about the fun meals we’re going to make!
Look, she knows. She is painfully aware. Just let her know you love her unconditionally, that you will always find her beautiful and you want her health to match… and you are here to support or help in any way you can.
She can gain confidence and joy back without losing weight. Why not get her w a gift card for a store that has her new size in stock, or a lingerie set. Something that will help her feel both sexy and desired as she is now. Try exploring new hobbies active and creative alike. You may have to hype her up a lot more than usual, and it may not always work. Decide if you can love her the way she is even when she isn’t at her “best” does she extend that kind of love to you too?
I am in the same shoes as your GF. My BF is normal weight.
I have to say I am not very sensible about my own weight because I know where it comes from and that it’s me who needs to change.
What I am doing: I asked my BF if we could do some sports together. Not a gym. We are now members in one of our local sports club who has a lot of things to do. We started with Pilates but it wasn’t good for my knees and our trainer did a lot on all four…
So we switched to Circle training every Thursday. It’s fun, it’s a good workout and you can adapt it to your own fitness level. I love it! Tuesday night I am at a heart fitness group where we do medium cardio training.
Additionally I try not to eat anything from 8pm to 11am. It helps me against snacking.
You know your GF best. Maybe ask her if she would like to try some kind of sports together with you? Volleyball, Tennis, Tabletennis,… Something you can do together. We made it a couple goal to do sports together once a week. Also we are trying to cook really healthy on the weekends.
I also have a Switch with Ringfit Adventure and Fitness Boxing 3. Both are really fun and give short exercises every day even if it’s just 15 minutes. But I do see slow changes.
Just tell her what you told us. Don’t be afraid; it’s really simple. You can even start working out with her so it wouldn’t feel one-sided. I went from 110 lbs to 140 lbs, and it was before meeting my partner. One day, he casually said that it would be a good idea for me to start a diet and exercise so I can feel more confident. He even started working out at the same time. He encouraged me, and I lost 20 pounds in 4 months. I went from size M to S. I feel more confident in clothes, and it even improved our intimate life. The key is to motivate her, and you should get into a diet lifestyle with her.
>oves her chips and Cheetos and stuff while watching TV. I love that she has those little “getaways”, but it makes me sad to see her stay up late eating Cheetos and stuff, sleeping in so late, etc.
This is depression. There are other changes she needs in her life before worrying about her weight, and if she can make those changes, the weight will probably resolve itself.
This sounds like the weight gain is a symptom of her struggling with her mental health. When our stress becomes bigger than our current coping methods can relieve, we often unintentionally develop unhealthy “comfort” behaviors and/or withdraw from activities we used to enjoy.
It sounds like she’s using food as a self soothing tool. Also from what you described, she is having potentially poor sleep quality and other unhealthy symptoms.
I think your best option would be approaching the mental health aspect. Make it about her feeling emotionally better rather than losing weight. For a lot of people, getting mentally healthier makes unhealthy coping mechanisms unnecessary (or at least easier to curb).
This could mean therapy, finding a different job, socializing more with friends, splitting housework differently, etc. You know her better, so are better equipped to understand what might help her the most.
Good luck to you both!
Edit: I also want to say, her losing the weight (40-50 lbs) is totally doable! I’d expect that, once she’s in a better track, it’d take around 2 years. Yes you can lose weight way faster, but that’s the pace I’ve seen when people are losing it in the most sustainable way
I think maybe you need to untangle your own feelings on weight loss. You mentioned you did it before, and that you can’t be with someone who is consciously obese . Do you have a healthy relationship with exercise, food, and weight changes? Were you hard on yourself when losing weight, did you feel negative things towards yourself,etc etc? That could also be part if the issue. You may care more about her feelings and emotions than you may have cared for yours at that age, and you don’t know how to motivate her w/out being strict, or doing “tough love”, because that’s what you did to yourself. If so, you should definitely read up on fat liberation, which contrary to popular belief isn’t saying you should eat yourself to death, but that a lot of fatphobia is rooted in ableism and perfectionism. The thought process many ppl go through in relation to fat ppl is that they’re lazy or “let themselves go”.If they actually wanted to better themselves they would, so they’re signaling their weak wills to the world. It’s a very unhealthy mindset to have. Also remember that a presumably healthy teenage boy losing weight is completely different to an adult woman with a medical condition that makes it extremely difficult to lose weight,doing so.
Two, you acknowledge that this weight gain is not from her just willingly gaining weight, but that it’s the result of a physical medical condition and mental condition. You should first and foremost be trying to help her eith her depression. One, because you said you love her. Two, because helping her depression will likely help her with the stress of managing such a hard physical condition, and likely help her goal of losing weight. Going to her hy first presenting it as an issue you have with her weight will likely cause her to shut down. I think looking up depression and overeating will be helpful for understanding why she’s doing these things. It does sound like you care, but it also sounds like you’re somewhat ignorant to her conditions. You’ve said she helped with your mental health. Now’s your turn to help her.
How about going on daily walks with her?