I’m in a 2.5 years old relationship since 2022 but struggling with emotional challenges and fears. I’ve been in an emotionally abusive relationship before, so l’m scared of ending up in another toxic situation.
So to give some context :
My boyfriend is great. He always takes care of my dogs, feeds them and will even keep holding the leash when we’re around my family so I can enjoy my time with them or keep an eye out on them.He’s always helpful, ready to participate in any activities I want to do, bring me out and sometimes they’re surprise. He always insist that the most important thing to him is that I’m being taken care of.
He takes off a lot of stress workload around the house. Cleaning the house and having to do all the tasks of washing dishes, making dinner, garbage, yard work tend to stress me out so bad. I’m generally an anxious person but when it comes to this, it’s another level of anxiety. And it frustrates my boyfriend.
Whenever we have arguments, my boyfriend tend to shut down and will leave in the guest room for hours and not talk to me at all.
Sometimes he’ll pretend everything is fine and almost make me feel crazy for thinking sometimes is wrong but he’ll give me the cold shoulder and be ruder and say that everything is fine until days later he admits that I was right. Lately when gets mad, I hear stuff being tossed off or sounds like it (one time there was plastic Tupperware all over the kitchen) and he’ll say he didn’t throw them, they were just in the way.
Sometimes when he gets annoyed whenever in doing chores tasks and looks stressed, he’ll get annoyed and tell me to stop doing the current task and that he’ll do it later. Most of the time I’ll just end up doing it cause it either doesn’t get done (indoor chores) or days have passed (mostly yard stuff). So I sometimes still end up doing them. Other times he’ll tell me to stop a task that he’s got it, I’ll ask “are you sure” or either move on to another task which gets him more frustrated and say that he’s got it so I stop. Thing is, this happen mostly every day where I’ll start doing a task and he tells me to stop so some days I’ll wait days before touching anything.
We lack emotional intimacy I guess. We don’t have deep talks, we don’t kiss or say I love you. I will usually do these (kissing and saying I love you first) but he really hates it and refused to do them. We also don’t really have sex, usually once every month or two. My family mets his two sisters and he seems in a happier mood with them and just look like he’s got a pretty good connection with them and doesn’t feel the same with me. They also dont always feel comfortable around him because he always looks moody or that he’s being judgemental cause he’s always serious (even with me most of the time). Today we got an argument and we were supposed to visit my family. We got into that same argument about chores. This time it was taking out garbage (we had about 30 mins left before we had to leave). He was napping so I was doing the recycling but my last box was full so cans fell out and that woke him up. Came down and said to leave it alone and that he’s got it.
I leave it alone. Then since I’m almost ready so I start doing the dishwasher so it can start before we go. Then I heard objects hitting something as if he was throwing thing then he walked down angry and said “leave it. I got it”.
Fine. No worries. Then I asked if he was mad and did he throw things. He said that he could ask me the same about the cans so I told him that was an accident and they fell when I grabbed the box. The he said “to not presume things”. I said “Fine.” Then he didn’t like my tone and stormed out and went on a walk.
When he came back I apologized for my tone. He said no and that he was fed up with my tone and that I could go myself and tried convincing him otherwise but refused to.
So I went to see my parents and I’m at a loss. I hate that we haven’t resolved the conflict and he didn’t want to talk about it because it’s the same as usual and it’s all because of my anxiety.
Everybody around me questions his intention cause whenever he’s around, he doesn’t look happy but when his sister is, he’s someone completely different. Sometimes I do wonder if he loves me or if he’s there because my family has money (he comes from a much lower income), my mortgage is extremely low so we can save a lot every month.
I feel at a loss. I feel like I’m ruining a good relationship. If it wasn’t for my stress, it would probably be just fine with some arguments there and there but not this bad.
TL;DR:
I’m in a relationship with a boyfriend who is generally helpful, takes on a lot of household tasks, plans activities, and says his priority is my well-being. But we often argue. Usually about chores, and when we do, he shuts down for hours or days, gives me the cold shoulder, and sometimes I hear him tossing objects (though he denies it). He frequently tells me to stop chores, saying he’ll do them, but then they get delayed or left undone. We lack emotional intimacy. We don’t have deep talks, little affection, and he refuses to say “I love you.” we only have sex once or twice a month. He acts warmer and happier around his sisters than with me, and others notice he seems moody or judgmental with me. Today’s argument over chores before visiting my parents ended with him refusing to go and not wanting to resolve things. People question his intentions since my living situation is financially advantageous compared to his. I’m at a los…part of me feels I’m ruining a good thing because of my anxiety, but another part wonders if this is healthy at all
I’m scared of losing him. I’m not even sure if he’ll be there when I get back later this weekend
Comments
It takes two to make it work, and it takes two to fuck it up. You are not the only problem, it seems like you are better at taking ownership of your part. He is not.
I think your history with a really bad relationship is making you see your current relationship as a little better than it actually is. To me it seems like it’s not that great, and although he does some helpful/nice things, there is also some incompatibility and toxic behaviour from him. I think you will have better luck breaking up and finding somebody who is more mature and gives you the good things he does without all of the downsides.
If your bf was just not great with chores that would be one thing, but the apparent emotional regulation problems and manipulation surrounding these issues make it into a pretty bad situation. When you couple that with the bad sex life and lack of emotional intimacy, this is not something worth continuing to pursue.