28F with 24M boyfriend of 1 year – am I expecting too much care due to chronic illness, or is he doing the bare minimum?

Hi Reddit,

I (28F) have been with my boyfriend (24M) for a little over a year now. Overall, he’s a good person – smart, fun, and charismatic. But I’m struggling to figure out if I’m settling for too little in terms of emotional and physical care, especially when I’m not doing well.

For context, I live with ankylosing spondylitis, a chronic inflammatory condition that causes chronic joint and back pain, along with persistent fatigue. Some days even the most basic tasks can feel exhausting and overwhelming.

A few weeks ago, I came down with a cold, I was on my period, and my back was flaring up – basically a triple-hit day. I told my boyfriend I wasn’t doing great, and he said he’d pick me up after work, bring me to his place, cook a meal, make some tea, and cuddle me to sleep. That sounded comforting, but in the end, I had to go to his place on my own (he said it would take him more than an hour to get to my place. because the city was busy). He did cook and make the tea, which I appreciated, but after that, he mostly just played games on his computer. We cuddled for a bit, maybe 10 minutes, and then he turned away to watch videos on his laptop.

I don’t expect or need to be taken care of 24/7. I’m independent, and I can usually manage things on my own. But sometimes I do wish that someone would really take care of me and I wouldn’t have to fight alone. At the same time I feel like maybe I am being selfish for expecting a special treatment.

To give a comparison: when he comes down with a cold, I go to his place, make him soup and make sure he eats lots of healthy stuff, clean up around his house so he doesn’t have to, and just stick around in case he needs anything. It’s not a burden, I do it because I care, and I want him to feel comforted and supported. I guess I just wish for some of that energy in return.

I also understand that some people prefer to be left alone when they’re feeling sick, maybe that’s how he operates, and maybe that’s why he doesn’t instinctively know what I need. I’ve tried to gently talk to him about this a few times, but I’m scared of coming across as too needy or demanding. More than anything, I’d love for that kind of care to come from a genuine place – for him to want to take care of me because he cares, not just because I asked him to.

Have any of you been in similar situations? If you or your partner deal with chronic illness, what kind of support do you give or receive in your relationship? How do you find a balance between expressing your needs and not feeling like a burden?

TL;DR:  I have a chronic illness and sometimes need extra care during flare-ups, but I feel like my boyfriend does the bare minimum even if I were perfectly healthy. At the same time, that makes me feel selfish for wanting more.