We have been together for more than 2 year and married for 1. The incident happened about 5 months postpartum.
Not diving too much into the details about the past, there is a friend she has from before meeting me. They were “more than friends” for about 4-5 months a couple of years ago, but she has always denied to consider it a relationship because they never made things official. I always have been clear with her that I do not believe that differentiation and there is a line beyond which you are more than friends, and I see all bonds in that group as pretty much the same once you are with a new partner. So, it essentially, did not make a difference whether the relationship was official.
All through our relationship, she has maintained contact with this person. Contact was mainly through texting on social media. Phone conversations would happen to the extent of one phone call or so, after many months.
About 2 months after my relationship with her became official was when I found out that they had this “more than friends” relationship that I mentioned above, because before that she always referred to him as a friend. And my personal beliefs always aligned that you don’t that sort of a relationship with friends, or at least, she would disclose the nature of their history up front. We had a conversation and as she was recently out of toxic relationship, she got really defensive and said that her bond with this person was strictly of friendship and that his presence was important in her life. She doesn’t meet him or anything that often but he was present at different difficult moments of her life, so she can’t just cut him off. I admitted to myself that I may have been coming from a place of insecurity during the conversation, so I told myself that, okay, since she is insistent about maintaining contact with this person, she’ll also go the length of keeping things in a way that doesn’t cross a line.
Now coming back to the incident I mentioned above, I checked her phone because my gut was telling me something is off. I had never checked her phone before for anything. This was in fact, the first time I did something like that. I read this whole conversation that they had a week ago that was loaded with inappropriate things. Even though she wasn’t really saying anything back or bad mouthing me or our relationship, she was letting the whole thing play out where he was openly flirting with her and expressing regret for not doing more to solidify their relationship those years ago, and other things that just crossed a line.
It has been about 3 months now since that incident happened. We have had back and forth about her completely removing that person from her life. But she keeps trying to negotiate his presence in her life. She says that she doesn’t nearly talk as much to him or share memes and stuff on socials, and that she would never do anything to risk what we have and our family, and that she has been paying dearly internally because she can’t forgive herself for putting me through the hurt.
So, the thing is that even though I understand the part where you are cutting off a person who has been a friend for the greater majority of how long they have known each other, but at the same time, I can’t seem to find comfort with just letting it go. The guy doesn’t even live in the country, he now lives a 15 hour flight away. But the toughest dilemma for me is to reconcile the fact that I would never put her through something like this because I know myself to not be the kind, and that, if it were any other time in my life, I would have already called it quits because this thing is a dealbreaker for me. But I know that there is a lot more at stake when you have a child in the picture and when you have conflicting thoughts about what that incident even meant. I do not know what to do next, whether to give the relationship a proper chance because again, even though we are together, a part of me still cycles between numbness and rage, or just consider something else?
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She’s at the very least entertaining the attention, which is an affair imo. An emotional one & your relationship can go no where unless she immediately blocks & goes no contact.
If she even puts up the slightest bit of a fight, you leave.
Basically, she lied. She has lied from the very beginning involving this friend. Her argument is complete BS. She was willing to dismiss your feelings for a friend while lying to your face about their involvement and history.
There is a reason why most stories of infidelity start “he is just a friend” until the spouse finds out otherwise. She is choosing that friend over and above you and your relationship. DO not mistake this for insecurity. It is a realistic view of what SHE did.
Now you have proof of continuing dishonesty. So the question is where are YOU going to draw the line? If she truly had NO intention of doing anything inappropriate she would cut him off in a second. The truth is she loves his attention and validation. He is her back up if the relationship fails.
Personally, she would already have been given the invitation to the door. Lying is an immediate breaker for me. You can forgive but you will never forget. She has already proven she will repeat such behaviors so where or when is enough for you to make a decision? Staying for the child is a bad idea. Children can feel when relationship tension is high. They often internalize it. My parents were horrible people. Until I was older and got therapy I always thought the issue were us kids. In reality it was their issues.
You need to make a decision. Only you can decide if staying or moving on is best.
She likes his validation. She is also putting this guy before you, the marriage and family. I would also suggest a DNA test on the child to make sure it is yours.
If you choose to stay!
Tell her this, if you ever come across anything that is on or close to the line and that it is not something you already know you are going to assume the worst and act accordingly. It is her call if she risks you guys for him. That if he hits on her, and you don’t already know, she is at least entertaining an emotional affair.
She has been warned.