My fiancé and I just got engaged on vacation and ended up meeting up with friends halfway through. What was supposed to be a super happy trip, ended up being one of the worst days of my life.
I will preface this by saying I’m not 100% not to blame. We had been drinking heavily all day, ended up going shopping right after with everyone. I felt left out by my two girl friends because they kept walking ahead of me and only kept including each other when they were talking about buying things. They just were completely leaving me out, which is a feeling I’ve had before in the past with these friends. This is something I’ve told my fiancé a few times, something he’s gotten annoyed with me about before.
I definitely do feel I can sometimes be too sensitive, this is from my past. I was always the kid with no friends, I got abused as a child, I always felt like I didn’t belong. So when these feelings come up, I can sometimes let them get the best of me. In this particular moment, I turned to my fiancé and told him my friends were hurting my feelings, I was annoyed. He tried to tell me basically to let it go and not worry about what they wanted or care about.
I tried to ignore it, but then they kept walking way ahead of me and at that point I turned to my fiancé and said that they just didn’t want me there. He then grabbed me by the shoulders and was saying I needed to calm down and that I was being too much. I started seeing that he was super drunk (hiccuping, eyes open no ones home). He was being aggressive and saying that he hated my one friend and started being loud.
I started getting worried because I didn’t want our friends to walk by and hear, so I told him in the moment I wanted to go back to our hotel. He kept telling me to calm down and I said I was calm, I just wanted to get back. My phone was dead and I had no way of getting directions. We also were in a foreign country. I told him I was scared with how he was acting and worried about him being aggressive. He then got pissed that I was scared, saying I don’t trust him and things like that.
We started walking back to our hotel, and he would pull me aside here and there. Kind of stalling us, and getting aggressive with me in public. I kept ignoring him because when he gets super drunk like that, I’ve found it’s best to not engage. I think this made him even more mad because then he started saying things like “I regret my decision to propose to you” and “This is the worst engagement ever”.
We finally got back to the hotel and gave each other some space. I was obviously upset by his words, but he never apologized and instead started getting ready to meet up with our friends. I asked him if he was going to apologize, and he said that it was all my fault. How he couldn’t believe I didn’t trust him to get us back safely to our hotel. I kept trying to explain myself and he just shut me down. Making me feel like I was crazy.
He then asked for his ring back, saying I didn’t deserve it. I was crying and took it off and handed it to him, telling him I wasn’t going to beg him for him to love me. He packed all his stuff up and left our room. Only to come back a second later after slamming the door shut. I was on the floor crying, having a panic attack. He then tried to talk to me and I told him I didn’t want to. He grabbed me by my shirt and pushed me into the bed, then grabbed me by my shoulders and threw me in the bed and grabbed my sleeve and ripped it.
I was distraught and scared, I saw a look in his eye that he wanted to hurt me. I told him to get out and he did. Then I called my best friend and told her wverything. The next day, one of my friends didn’t even check on me. The other one had a discussion with my fiancé and I and basically said she had to know if I was overreacting and that her and her husband have gotten into similar fights and that it honestly doesn’t seem that bad.
Her and her husband basically told me that I can be really emotional and my fiancé was just trying to calm me down.
I feel pretty alone right now. I haven’t told anyone besides the friends I was with. My fiancé and I apologized to them, but no one asked if I was okay. I feel like this is all my fault and I am feeling way worse than I ever have. My one friend hasn’t asked me how I’m doing at all, ignored most of my texts in our group chat, but she’s been buddy buddy with my fiancé for the rest of the trip.
We’re technically still together at this point. I don’t know what to do moving forward. How do I handle this situation?
Tl;dr My fiancé and I got into a fight on vacation, it turned physical. What do I do moving forward?
Comments
yeah you need to leave.
I feel like you got a lot of great advice the last time you posted this so I wonder why you’re back for more? You were overreacting to your friends but your fiancé was being an absolute asshole and you shouldn’t be with someone who treats you that way.
None of this sounds normal or healthy at all. The minute you said you were scared he should have stopped and apologized.
Him grabbing and pushing you is physical abuse. It’s not ok.
It sounds like this is not an isolated incident. You already know that you have to avoid him when he’s drunk so I’m guessing he gets angry/upset before.
I read this a few days ago?
Based on your side of events, your fiancé is a drunken asshole. We have all said horrible things at inappropriate times but him getting slightly physical and not apologizing is not good. I think you should have a firm, sober conversation with him about this.
You are definitely sensitive and insecure. And you are projecting that a lot. I understand you have a tough past and are conditioned to be triggered like this. But you need to work on that. Yeah it’s shitty your friends were excluding you, but you could’ve tried to calm down after expressing it to him and just enjoyed his company instead in that moment. Your fiancé is getting triggered by it. He shouldn’t drink so much to the point he acts like an asshole. And him reacting like that to say the engagement was a mistake was dramatic and emotionally abusive. There needs to be some boundaries to establish that type of “dumping you when there’s an argument or fight” is never OK. You guys need to talk about these issues when sober and work on a way to properly support each other in these moments when your insecurities are triggered. He needs to understand how you feel and what you need, and you need to do the same for him.
Physical violence is inexcusable. If it happens once it will happen again. Leave him and your “friends”
You can’t be with someone you don’t feel safe with, and you have good reasons to feel unsafe with him.
He also doesn’t appear to have your back or respect you.
I am sorry this happened to you, but you have dodged a huge bullet.