I accidentally gave my girlfriend’s 20-year-old cat an early dose of her medication. Immediately, the cat threw up and had diarrhea. I was open and honest when she asked if I gave her an early dose. We rushed the cat to the animal hospital an hour away. I drove while she called animal poison control. Everything seemed ok, and they kept the cat for observation. Bloodwork showed that her potassium and creatinine levels had dropped in comparison to four months prior, which was due to aging. The cat had to be euthanized due to the amount of stress she was put under the next.
My partner had me pack up a couple of weeks’ worth of clothes so that she could take some time to grieve. I’m staying with family until she reaches out. She let me know that she still loved me, but needed time alone to grieve the loss of her best friend. She didn’t want me around because she didn’t want to take her anger out on me. It’s been hard on me because I loved that cat. I feel like we won’t be able to get through this. I did ask her if she would ever forgive me, but she responded that she isn’t thinking about our relationship and that my mistake cost her her best friend. It’s been about two weeks since I’ve seen her or heard her voice. It was a mistake that I will forever regret, but I’m holding on in hopes that we can repair this.
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Right now all you can do is give her the space she asked for
If she can’t get through this with you, what about when her parents die? Or she gets a diagnosis of a bad illness? I understand being upset, even upset at you, but making you leave for two weeks (not even leaving herself!) bc of a cat is a bad sign. I just personally wouldn’t want to be in a relationship still on such fragile footing after a year of being together
I’m sorry for your loss. You have to know this wasn’t your fault. It sounds like your gf is putting the blame on you. Don’t accept blame for this. What is an “early” dose anyway? No, the cat’s potassium and creatinine levels dripping means it was the cat’s time. I’m sorry your gf is blaming you. I work at an equine veterinary clinic and I see death all the time for many reasons. You absolutely have to know that 20 years of age is extreme for a cat. You didn’t do this. Big hugs to you both.
Thats not your fault. Sounds like you cat had ckd – and from experience of just losing a dog to it – that happens at end stages and no early dose of a med is going to throw numbers that out of whack. It was likely coincidence of the end anyway
Just give her time, losing a beloved pet is rough, but know this wasn’t your fault. The cat was 20, no “early dose” of medicine is going to cause the death of an animal who isn’t already dying. After the initial shock, your gf should see and understand that, but if she doesn’t, you can’t let your relationship become one where you’ll always feel like you have to feel guilty and make up for something.
This is so not your fault :((( I’m so sorry about your baby
A part of grieving is going through the stage: anger. If you allow her a safe space to be angry with you, to throw the blame at you, then she will have an easier time moving through the stages of grief. Tell her you are there for her. Tell her that you took away her best friend. That you made a huge mistake. Tell her that it’s your fault. Tell her to get mad at you, to take it out on you. Tell her your there for her no matter what she throws at you. Sometimes we need to scream and let out our anger before we can forgive and move on, especially when grieving. She may be bottling it up, secretly resenting you. But it’s part of the 5 stages of grief. It needs to happen before she can move onto depression, bargaining, and then finally acceptance.
you didn’t cause this cat to pass. anything stressful could have been the end, you just happened to be involved/around.
i think you just need to give her her space. if you push or make it about you and your guilt, you’re not giving her space. talk to your friends or family or therapist if you need to sort out your feelings (like you’re doing here!)
Ugh this sucks. I honestly am a little confused on how things escalated to putting her down after she was kept for observation. I know I wouldn’t want to stress a cat out but I feel like all things considered they could have given your gf a little more time to prepare and grieve.
It’s not your fault but I totally get her feelings as well. I don’t know man. I would just check in after a couple days, just keep it brief, let her know you’re thinking about her and you’re there to talk when she’s ready.
This is rough, give her the space she needs and be there for her when she is ready. The cat lived a very long life that I bet was full of love and snuggles, please don’t blame yourself. 20 years is a very long life for a cat
Let her grieve. Work on the issue later
That is a tough one.
Kitten?
[deleted]
Wow this is really hard. This seems like a mistake that anyone could have made, especially if their partner changed a medication schedule without clear communication. Also the cat was extremely old and seems likely to have died within the year, regardless of any other actions. Unfortunately, though, life simply isn’t fair. I once had to walk away from a friendship just because I associated that friend with a very negative experience, even though it wasn’t that friends’ fault, they had not exactly helped the situation either and I knew I was going to carry some negative feelings about that in perpetuity, which wouldn’t be fair to them. For some people, losing a pet hurts even more than losing a person, and if your gf associates you with that pain, even though it wasn’t entirely your fault (and could even have been more to do with her lack of clear communication, I’m not sure), she may just find it too painful to continue on with you. I think the best thing you can do is to decide how much time and space you can give her before you yourself move on, and act accordingly. I’m sorry that this sad situation happened to you. If your gf can’t get past what happened I don’t think it means she is a bad person or that you are a bad person, just that something bad happened and she is having a very difficult time. As you said you loved the cat as well, I am sorry for your loss, too.
How “early” did you give her cat its medication? At 20yrs old, this cat was VERY old and was likely already barely hanging on.
Giving something medication a day early won’t really do any harm unless it’s something like insulin. And even then, it’s really more about dose than timing.
Either way, you had no malicious intent. You were trying to take care of your partners pet. Doing her a favor. But, at 20yrs old? That’s like if I asked you to go check on my 104yr old grandma and at that age? If a bus hit her, I would call it natural causes (My grandma passed away like 20yrs ago, this is just a joke and analogy rolled into one.)
If your relationship has been otherwise good? This should pass.
If this ends your relationship? I think that’s a good sign that it was not as good as you thought it was.
Good luck
I’m sorry to hear this. If your girlfriend does decide to break up with you, it’ll be completely understandable as well. Sorry for your girlfriend’s loss.
As a vet once said to me about my dog. Maybe you are cruelly trying to keep the animal alive. Are you keeping it alive for the dog because he has a life, or for you, cause you want him there.
I feel this cats life was well past the point it was happy.
i hope you get thru this 🙁
Give her time; there is truly nothing else you can do.
She was going to need to grieve the loss of her cat soon either way.
There was no getting around its medical situation or advanced age.
Putting blame is not helpful. It won’t change anything.
I hope she can instead focus on celebrating the joy they brought each other in life.
My father had told me his heart was bothering him.
I was pregnant and hadn’t told my family. We were waiting to know the gender to share the pregnancy and gender at the same time. I was 2 weeks away from that.
I woke up one morning and had a prompting I should call my Dad and tell him to go to the hospital to have his heart checked, to tell him I was pregnant that he had to meet his grand baby, and had to put his stubbornness aside to seek medical attention.
My husband told me not to call my Dad. He told me to wait until I saw him in person. That I shouldn’t tell him on the phone.
My Dad died of a heart attack that evening. I never told him I was pregnant. A week later I found out I was having a girl. Her middle name is after my Father.
It may of saved his life if I called him when I was prompted to. If my husband hadn’t told me to wait.
I’ve never once blamed my husband, or lived in shame of what happened.
My father had poorly managed diabetes. He resisted medical care. Some things were just him time.
He was one of my best friends and I miss him everyday.
Assigning blame, or fixating on the end moments doesn’t help or change anything. My husband meant no harm.
I hope your girlfriend’s heart can heal and she can separate grief from blame.
This is a classic, wait out the storm, scenario.
She sounds fairly mature, if you had an otherwise healthy relationship – you guys can come back from this.
When she does contact finally you, you are going to validate her feelings, and NOT minimize.
Women get calmer the more they talk it out, your job is NOT to try to MAKE her calm down… That will paradoxically make it worse. You LET her calm down by letting her wander all over the convo like a roomba. She will calm down on her own if you LET her. Think about female conversational energy like a hike… it’s not a walk to get somewhere… its a walk for the sake of a walk.
You CAN have some thoughts you keep to yourself tho; like cats are not immortal. It was going to die SOON anyway. As things get old, they get more fragile… LOTS of stuff can take out a 100 year old person, right?
The cat was going to die of a random thing soon anyway… a stray piece of dental floss, refusing to drink water one day because of a new dish soap, jumping from to high and getting chronic nerve pain, eating a piece of something gone bad… Or in this case it just happened to be a medication error. But it just as easily could have been a bladder infection, or 100 other things.
It’s just bad luck it was you this time, it wasn’t malicious, you loved the cat. It could have easily been her, or just the cats choice if the dice fell differently.
Understanding 20 years cat is a miracle. Hope she will understand the situation
Sending a hug
I don’t know a whole lot about veterinary medicine (I just have cats lol) but I don’t think this is your fault? If you brought the cat to the vet a week before this incident, they probably would’ve found the same results and still encouraged euthanasia. If anything, your “mistake” could’ve been the thing that got a vet to take a look and help the little guy out of suffering. I hope you’re okay, this must be so stressful for you. Please go easy on yourself.
This is not your fault. An early dose of medication is not what killed your cat. The cat was old AND needed medication for health reasons.
Your GF might not forgive you and there is nothing you can do. People always want to someone to blame when bad things happen.
Some people are able to recognize that part of their grief and others can’t.
Only time will tell which one your GF is.
Regardless, please know this isnt your fault.
All you can do right now is give her space, but maybe do some browsing for pet memorial ideas. Something nice for her to remember her kitty.
Very sad for the both of you. True the cat was very old but unfortunately an early dose of medication meant the animal still had prior medication in her system that she was still processing, so technically you accidentally overdosed her. That’s why she started vomiting and got diarrhea. She couldn’t handle it and this created an incident that she couldn’t recover from. You weren’t malicious but it was very poor judgment. Now it’s been two weeks. I hope you can get through this, but I myself would end the relationship. Every time I see you I’d think of my dead cat and how this whole thing should never have happened. I find it interesting that she asked you if you gave the cat an early dose, meaning that was dangerous. But it’s done now and nothing you can do about it. You’re not a bad person and she knows this. But the issue is can she get past this looking at you and being around you every single day knowing what happened.
Did she have to ask or did you come forward on your own?
I’m somewhat uniquely qualified to weigh in because I lost my 20 year old cat this summer, and I mourned hard. This is going to sound extreme, but I felt suicidal for a while after he passed (I’m going through some health stuff myself as another factor). I went on antidepressants mostly due to the death of my cat, and I know that sounds extra.
Okay! I can’t predict whether your gf will be able to move on. To be honest, that cat was not long for this world even if you hadn’t made the mistake. I knew with my own cat that he had already exceeded the normal cat lifespan, but still it was so hard. I think your mistake was an easy one to make, and you were also, to your credit, honest about what happened rather than trying to cover it up. But what I don’t know is how reasonable your gf is.
My suggestions are that you think of ways to honor the beloved cat. Maybe make a donation in the cat’s name to a cat rescue. You could commission an artist to make a portrait of the cat to give the gf. I would honor her request to give her space, don’t try to talk to her or see her in person, but I would make the gesture to honor the cat’s memory and do that in a way that the gf will be aware of.
Forgive yourself. We all make mistakes. It was a very, very old cat who was not going to be living so long. Your heart was pure. If your gf cannot get past this, that is her prerogative, and I would in that event chalk it up to incompatibility sadly.
Cat killer
You kind of seem to be in denial, asking how “we” can bounce back. I am wondering, how did you mess this up? Did you not follow instructions? Did you forget? In any event, all you can do is wait.
Beside the fact that you aren’t at fault it think your girlfriend owes you a very big apology. Owning a pet (unless it’s a parrot or a turtle) comes with the knowledge that you generally outlive it. An emotional mature adult really should be able to deal with the death of a pet a bit better then she is. Yes it’s very hard to lose someone you love but that doesn’t give you the excuse to throw around blame and kick you out of the house. Honestly if your partner was a man I feel like half the sub would be calling him an abuser over this.
The conversation advice is spot on, women heal through conversation.
Don’t minimize, don’t offer alternative realities, don’t try to be a veterinarian, don’t try to be a fortune teller, don’t try to be a mind reader. Accept responsibility, validate her feelings, share your feelings as well. Keep the conversation going, if you can cry at some point, it will help your case. Apologize 3 times, but not all in a row, space them out over several days.
You may find, some years in the future, that this experience has actually strengthened your relationship.
Give her time and space.
Does no one else find it strange dude is being forced from his home? Like, I get grieving, but this was not your fault. Why are you being forced to leave your shared home? Are you both on the lease? Are you paying rent?
Like, this is crazy to me.
You say “I loved that cat.“ You should write your gf a heartfelt letter or text about how much you loved her cat. Be specific and sincere, and don’t focus on feelings of guilt — just give voice to the loving connection and warm memories you shared with her cat. And make it clear that you just want to share your feelings and don’t expect a reply to your note.
Giving your gf space to grieve is 100% the right move, but you can let her know that she’s not all alone in her pain.
Hey I just want you to know that this is NOT YOUR FAULT. And also I think your gf is doing the right thing. At least I hope so. But what she is doing is what I would likely do in this scenario.
(These things below are not necessarily true, but they are based on my experience. i am going to describe the scenario below as though I were the one grieving, because I know what it’s like to lose your best animal friend):
She knows it isn’t your fault. She knows the cat was 20, and that you were caring for the cat. She is taking space so that when the difficult grieving thoughts come— “what if he hadn’t given her those meds early? What if I had done meds instead? What if what if what if”— she can accept it without blaming you.
The reason to take space is just that: it’s space. She needs to grieve her bff alone. And imo it could be to protect your relationship from her grief.
If she were in the house and she saw you drop something, or saw you leave a mess on the counter, or frankly anything— all of which would be totally reasonable, especially since you are grieving too— she might attach it to a pattern of carelessness which SHE KNOWS is not fair. She sees you leave some water on the counter and thinks “yes that’s just like him. He’s so careless about everything. And if he wasn’t, Fluff would still be here.” Etc. It’s not fair and it’s NOT TRUE. But she’s grieving, and grieving minds try to make sense of the situation in sometimes twisty ways. So sometimes it’s best to have some time apart to protect the love you share. Let her take that space.
I hope this all goes as well as it can, and that she’s able to grieve her friend without blaming you. It truly is not your fault.
Bless to you both, and to the kitty. I’m sorry for your loss. 💙💛♥️
14 is a good age for a cat. 20 is at least 4 past its realistic use by date.
You didn’t kill her cat. Extreme old age killed her cat.
Edit to add, if your gf doesn’t see that, she’s not the one. It seems like she was possibly keeping her cat alive for her, not the cat.
> I did ask her if she would ever forgive me, but she responded that she isn’t thinking about our relationship and that my mistake cost her her best friend.
That’s the grief talking, but you didn’t kill her cat. That early dose of medicine didn’t drop the cat’s levels from four months ago. The cat would have lived longer without the vet visit stressing it out, but the writing was on the wall.
Granted I’m a logical dude, and all but I had to put my cay down a couple years ago, and I don’t blame anyone, his liver just failed, likely due to stress from moving multiple times in a short period. Cats don’t deal well with change.
It’s awful that she literally blamed you for the cats death though, that’s wild.
I have been in a situation where my girlfriend lost both of her parents to Covid. She was devastated and asked me for space and time just like your partner. Trust me, give her her required space, she can’t think about anything else right now and is in pain.
The death of her cat has shattered her so much that she might be putting all the blame onto you, but she is right when she says that she doesn’t want to project her anger onto you, and that is a good way to deal. I can give you a perspective on this: she might know that it’s completely not your fault but it’s easier to blame someone, and she doesn’t want to ruin things with you because people say crazy things when they are emotionally unstable.
Give her the time she needs to process this situation, if you try to be sticky during this time, you will DEFINITELY lose her. Yes, I lost my girlfriend during this process because I didn’t know the definition of space.
Try to talk to her normally about her day, if she says I don’t want to talk, say ok I understand and I will give you space but I want to remind you that she is being loved. Whenever you would like to speak or vent, I am all ears. (Don’t do this too much too please)
It’s a phase and it will pass if you listen to her.
DONT OVERTHINK – DONT OVER SPEAK – DONT GET POSSESSIVE – DONT GET JEALOUS (It might happen that you might see she is talking to her friends a lot but isn’t talking to you, it’s ok. Let her handle this her own way.)
You will get through this. Please keep yourself busy with something else.
Follow these bud, you will thank me later. Regardless of the outcome, you will feel nice.
Text me if you need to talk.
She wants space, so give it to her.
Reading the full details provided, you either gave the cat its medication a bit later than scheduled. Or you gave it much earlier than scheduled.
Both of those are mistakes, but only one would likely cause what happened.
You have a lot of very supporting messages here, which is nice. I will say that I don’t agree with the sentiment that the cat was essentially dying already, and what you did didn’t make much difference. That’s ignorant and unhelpful in this situation.
I’m not sure if I could forgive you or not. I don’t say that to be cruel, just honest.
I feel like this sounds like the same situation as I have heard happen to hospice nurses before: one gives a patient morphine (for example) and the patient dies soon after. The morphine wasn’t the killer, but the old age and disease(s) were. The nurses also easily blame themselves over the death of the patient in the beginning of their careers, until they come to realize that fact.
She is most likely overwhelmed with emotions right now, and might not yet be able to understand that you’re not at fault. The mind tries to find a culprit to blame in situations like this. It might take until the worst of the sadness comes to pass, until she understands that. I know I couldn’t be expected to think too logically in a similar situation. The grieving process will take time, especially since her friend was so old, so I wouldn’t feel too hopeless even as a few weeks+ have passed.
You didn’t cause this and I think eventually she may figure that out. I had a 20’year old cat and just looking at her stressed her out. She was old. You made a mistake, you took responsibility, you feel guilt and mourn the cat. Clearly you’re a decent human being. Give her a bit to understand that this was going to happen either way. I’m sorry for you guys’ loss. 💙
Dwight, is that you?
The cat had lived out its years, and some more. Unfortunately the cat was already close to death, your med mistake was more than likely not the catalyst. When the animal was examined by a vet, the bloodwork showed that the end was near.
The medication you gave wouldn’t have caused immediate vomiting and diarrhoea. I think this is an unfortunate coincidence and I’m sorry it’s caused difficulties between you and your girlfriend.
I think that in the long run, it’s better that she didn’t have to make the decision to euthanise her cat maybe days or weeks later, as she may have hesitated too long. If you love your pet, you have to let them go when they’ve come to the end.
Healthy animals are resilient. My 6-year-old chihuahua rolled and bounced all the way down the stone stairs last night in the dark. She was completely unaffected, not even a whimper. When a very old pet is requiring kid-glove treatment to keep them alive, that’s the sign that a hard decision has to be made.
I hope your girlfriend can come to terms with this and realise that it wasn’t your fault.
I wouldnt pursue a relationship with someone that would kick me out of our shared accommodation cause her cat died, that blamed me for her death when it obviously wasnt my fault, and when that someone wouldnt reach out in two weeks.
But thats just me. U do you.
I had a similar experience. My gf(now wife) adopted a basset hound early into our relationship. She had a lifelong bird that’s she raised out of the egg and at a young age around. We moved the bird lower since he gets aggressive around a mirror. The basset hound knocked the cage off the table and killed it. She was the one to find the murder scene. The dog was very loving but when I showed up after work she needed to remove him from me since I had every intention to kill him for killing her bird. She understands this happens and she should have never lowered the cage but I could not forgive the dog and he was gone, given to a person looking, that day. I didn’t even pat him before he left. I’ve regretted it to this day. My best advice expect the worse and hope for a positive outcome. If she does come around she may look and act differently around you. I do wish you luck
Dude, the cat was 20, she should have been more than ready for its passing at any time. Not saying she shouldn’t feel sad or anything but 20 is excellent innings for a pet.
Not gonna lie… I can feel how heavy this must be for you. Losing a pet is traumatic enough, but feeling like it’s tied to a mistake you made makes it even worse. I’m wondering, have you been able to reach out just to check in on her emotional state, or are you holding off entirely because she asked for space? I ask because sometimes just a small, calm acknowledgment of her grief can show love without pressuring her.
Honestly, it sounds like she’s processing a lot of guilt and pain herself, and right now your presence might be triggering those feelings even though she still loves you. Grief can make people snap at the ones they care about, and it’s not about punishing you it’s just her way of handling overwhelming emotions. That said, two weeks is rough, and it’s natural to worry that this could break your relationship, but it’s also really common for partners to come back together after a shared loss once the initial storm passes.
Something that helped me (and a friend I know went through a similar thing with her dog) was reading The Language of Emotions by Karla McLaren. It’s not a relationship book per se, but it helped me understand how grief and anger mix and why people sometimes push away the ones they love when they hurt. It gave me patience and perspective on staying connected without forcing an apology or forgiveness.
Also, if you want something more in the self-mastery/manifestation space, Clark Peacock’s Awaken the Real You: Manifest Like Awareness by Letting Go of Ego and Assuming the End: You Are the I AM: A Spiritual Manifestation Guide to Releasing the Ego Self (available on Amazon KDP and totally free on Kindle Unlimited) has been a game changer. It’s his highest rated book, 5/5 stars, and top for Self Help and Personal Transformation. He says, “Love is measured by the steadiness of presence, not the perfection of action,” and another line that really sticks is “sometimes the right action is patience disguised as inaction.” Two truths I took from it that feel relevant here are that grief doesn’t diminish love, and accountability is about learning, not punishment.
Clark Peacock’s other book Manifest in Motion: Where Spiritual Power Meets Practical Progress, A Neuroscience-Informed Manifestation System to Actually Get Results has this quote I love: “The mind will replay mistakes endlessly unless the heart anchors them in understanding.” That one honestly helped me stop spinning in guilt loops and focus on what I can do now.
Oh and also… side note, there’s a YouTube talk by Dr. Monica Oxford about “Supporting a Partner Through Pet Loss” that is lowkey comforting. She talks about giving space while showing love and why timing is everything in grief.
Anyway, right now the focus isn’t fixing the cat situation that can’t be undone it’s staying steady, patient, and present in ways that let her grief exist without you getting blamed for it. Your honesty already counts for so much, and the fact you’re giving her space shows you care without forcing forgiveness. Time and calm presence are your allies here.
Is there any way that you could talk to the vet there? To see if they think the medication was really the issue, or if the vet thinks that it was really that cat’s time no matter what occurred previously, if you get them enough of a sob story one of the texts might be convinced to call your girlfriend and let her know that it wasn’t due to the medication? They might be willing to help you out with that, unless they say that it was your fault then maybe don’t follow this plan.
You’re still associated with the bad memory of it all, and maybe that might be too much for her if she’s really sensitive about those things. Though showing that you cared about the cat and you are also grieving about the cat, it might be helpful for her to see and be aware of it so that she knows the depths of your feelings about the cat and that you’re hurting to.
It’s really hard to lose a pet It just is, and the decision to euthanize even if there really isn’t any other choice It feels like you are the one that killed your best friend and that can be kind of devastating to process it all. And I’m so sorry you’re going through this and that she is taking it so hard that it’s affecting your relationship so much, I hope you’re able to weather it.
Im going to just say it.
I think you did this on purpose because. I just dont see how you could accidently do something like this.
If i were the girlfriend, we would be broken up for good
I hope you forgive yourself even if she can’t. This truly wasn’t your fault and I believe she will see that once she grieves. The cat was 20 years old! And needed medication on a very odd schedule. I know it’s not something you can really prepare for but unfortunately animals don’t live forever and I hope you can both can feel peace at the fact your kitty had so many good years.
I’m so sorry—that’s a brutal accident and an even harder grief. Right now the kindest path is space plus repair, not persuasion. Send one short note (no defenses, no “but”): acknowledge your mistake, the irreversible loss, and that you won’t push contact. Offer concrete restitution (cover all vet/poison control/cremation costs), a memorial gesture if she wants (photo book, paw print, donation in the cat’s name), and let her know you’re available when/if she’s ready. Then actually go quiet. Get your own support (friends/therapist), and prepare for either outcome: she may need time and return, or she may not. If you do reconnect, ask what she needs to feel safe with you again and propose practical safeguards (checklists/alarms/“two-person” med rule). Grief moves on its own clock; love someone by respecting that clock.
It’s just a cat.