My fiancé went on a boys trip. Came back home and was honest that he got very drunk. Told me his buddy invited girls to their air bnb. One girl in particular liked him and he struck up conversation. Then it led to her kissing his neck and grabbing his crotch. He said he didn’t initially stop it but turned away. Said he liked the feeling of being wanted but immediately felt guilt and realized he’s not looking for that rush. He said this was the hard line that made him realize he never wants that and only wants me.
I still feel cheated even if he didn’t fully commit. I feel like having a conversation knowing she was into him was enough. Then to allow her to touch him and not immediately back away.
We have a child together. I’m torn. We have been together for over 7 years. I’ve never had trust issues. I feel disrespected and disgusted. But it’s no longer just me. I took my ring off and I’m reconsidering the relationship. Am I being dramatic?
*edit to add: said his friends tried to make a pact to tell a version of the story to their partners as they all did something inappropriate. I’m the only one that knows the full extent. Obviously puts me in another situation.
We have never had trust issues or really any hiccup in our whole relationship. We have great communication and had a healthy relationship. This is honestly the first road bump.
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Sounds like he’s being genuinely honest with you. He’s showing you trust and vulnerability right now. If you punish him now I guarantee he will resent you and actually cheat in the future.
I don’t think you’re being dramatic. It’s entirely your prerogative to set your own boundaries, and if he’s crossed a line that you cannot forgive, then the only option is to leave. However. This is a long term relationship with a child in the mix. Would you consider couple’s counselling?
I feel like he told you the truth and that’s the best thing he can do to be honest. The rest will be up to you on how you take it and what the next steps are. He did the right thing and refused this girl, it’s okay to feel jealous.
I think you’re being a bit dramatic. Let’s consider the facts:
Red flag: he didn’t immediately shut it down. This definitely stings I’m sure, and it’s a thing in your relationship that will need repair.
Green flags:
I actually think you’ve got a keeper here. Everyone makes mistakes. He’s owning his and to be honest, in the grand scheme of things, this isn’t a HUGE mistake.
You were not there you don’t know the full story of what really went down between him and the girl. But he probably is telling the truth either way you have every right to be upset with him.
This is a tough one. You have to do what feels best. It’s good he was honest but he did decide to talk to someone he knows likes him. it’s worth noting he rejected her even though he was drunk. Has your intimacy and affection taken a hit before this? Not excusing his behavior but it could be a reason why he briefly felt weakness because someone was interested
I don’t think it’s worth ending an otherwise good relationship. It’s valid to be hurt but he did stop it and was immediately honest with you about what happened, why, why he didn’t let it continue, and why it won’t happen again.
Yes, it will take a bit of work as a couple to feel comfortable again but I think it’s worth the work.
He is honest and told you what happened. Would it be better if he didnt mention it at all ? I say forgive and tell him to not do something like that again. The mind is what you want it to be. Dont let emotions overtake control
He could have not told you….
7 years and a kid didn’t teach him he loved you and only wanted you. He needed the threat of being caught cheating (by his friends telling you or their partners), a makeout session and groping.
Those 7 years and kid really don’t count for much to him in that case.
If someone wanted to control the narrative before you are told later by someone else he cheated – this is exactly how they’d do it.
That’s bad. He was cheating.
I wouldn’t be cool with having girls over on a boys trip. What about this buddy and the other ones if there were more of them. Are they single, married? Were there other people cheating on their spouses?
He might be telling the truth, which is he was cool with inviting girls over, he was cool with getting to know one specific girl, he was cool with the girl getting touchy and kissing him. Also it might be him telling some of it to ease his mind. Maybe something more happened, maybe it was actually him initiating..
It’s a tough one. Guess you’ll have to listen to your intuition. Can you trust his words? Would he tell you if something more happened? Do you trust him not to do it again?
Bro tweaking.
The people who say that he’s some kind of hero because he stopped it and told you are probably guys. Like you’re somehow supposed to be grateful and thank him for cheating on you without full penetration (as far as you know), because that’s what he did. Him being sorry after the fact doesn’t erase his actions and intent.
You’re not being dramatic. Take that right off that table. He threw a massive firebomb into the middle of your relationship, and no one gets to label how you deal with it or dismiss your feelings. First, he opened the door to the interaction with this woman. Being drunk isn’t an excuse. If he was blackout drunk, it would be assault. But he clearly wasn’t, since he acknowledges his initial interest in it and remembers the sequence of events. Drunk actions = sober thoughts. And let’s be real. Friendly conversations don’t immediately lead to make-outs and crotch grabs. This wasn’t a chit chat gone wrong. He started to cheat and eventually stopped himself. Or maybe someone else stopped him. It sounds like he was in full view of friends. This may even be why he’s telling you – damage control.
Second, I’d be especially interested in his comment about “being wanted” and only stopping out of guilt. That can’t feel good. He shouldn’t have engaged in the first place! IMO, these comments speak to someone who is unsure or having problems in their relationship.
You want and deserve someone who doesn’t cheat because they are committed to you and your family; because they don’t want someone else; because they’re not looking and putting themselves in situations to hook up. There’s something wrong here beyond too much alcohol with friends and bad decisions. I don’t blame you at all for having at least 1 foot out the door. And if you’re considering staying with him, I’d be demanding a ton of couples therapy and a lot of hard truths before moving forward with the relationship.
It is the age of gen Alpha and people have a very loose boundary on physical intimacy with new friends. I would take this as a lesson learnt and see if his commitment in you and the kid drifted with his temptation. Be realistic and cherish what your both genuinely developed together for the past precious 7years.
If you’re struggling with this, then I would suggest couples counseling. If he’s truly remorseful, then he will agree to go with you. If you don’t work through this, it will fester and ultimately destroy your trust in him and the new station alert has arrived relationship.
Do you think he told you the truth or some version of it in case you heard from someone else?
I haven’t read any of the comments which I’m sure are probably filled with “break up with him”. Blah, blah, blah. You’re asking Reddit for advice and Reddit has a reputation for always going nuclear and always telling people to end years long relationships based on a few paragraphs.
I would never advise breaking up unless it’s confirmed cheating then yeah, end it and move on. But you know him better than the couple of paragraphs everybody, including me, are basing all this on.
What he did was wrong. It was disrespectful to you and to the 7 years you both have been together. And bullshit in the “I was drunk” excuse. Men and women always use that as their excuse.
You need to have a serious heart to heart with him. And, after that, YOU need to decide if he’s being honest or not since you know him. If you believe he cheated then only you know what you should do. Has been ever done anything like this in the past? Any reason for you to suspect he’s lying? Ask him to see his phone. In a LTR like yours there should be no reason for him to deny you access, none. You already do everything else i mean you have a child together ffs. Allowing you access should be a given.
If, after all this you still believe he was unfaithful, well, if you were me? Once the trust is gone, getting it back is a long and difficult road, but if it was me? I don’t put up with cheating. Period.
Good luck
He volunteered the information and didn’t have her. Almost any other man would’ve smashed. I think you have someone who is in love with you. You may want to seriously consider forgiving and forgetting (if you can).
I can only imagine how upset you must be feeling right now. After seven years together and the bond of a child, your emotions are completely valid, and it’s so important to honor that. If it has taken him this long to truly recognize your importance in his life, it certainly raises some serious questions about your relationship.
For those who believe he was transparent, we should really think about whether he fully shared everything with her, or if this might be a repeating pattern of behavior.
Imagine if you were legally married and this situation arose during a trip, how deeply would that affect you? It’s vital to reflect on the trust that has been damaged here, and your feelings deserve to be validated and respected.
I encourage you to consider seeking out couples therapy or having a heartfelt, honest conversation with him. Let him know the depth of the hurt his actions have caused and see how he responds. Your feelings matter, and you deserve to be heard.
I would consider forgiving but I would also consider couples and/or individual therapy.
My thought is that the girl didn’t just randomly grab his crotch—there was a lot of foreplay that led up to that moment. And you only have his version of events. It might be forgivable but with consequences.
He smashed
Men, we are damned if we do and damned if we don’t.
It’s understandable that you’re feeling hurt and questioning everything right now, but what matters most is whether you can rebuild trust and find a way forward together without losing sight of your values. How do you see the future of your relationship looking if you choose to work through this?