hi, I don’t really know what I’m looking to find here. maybe just some reassurance, or advice or tips on this obvious elephant in the room.
Me and my boyfriend have been together for 4 years, and of course in the beginning 1-2 years we never struggled with sex or intamacy. In the last 2 years things have really turned in our lives which will set us up for the future.
(I’m opening my own shop and he’s just got a big job at a big company) so we are really working hard at the moment… as well as trying to eat better, and have a better routine XYZ. So before anybody comments on me being more patient while he’s under a lot of stress. I am, his career and my career are the most important thing to us right now. We don’t have any childeren, and we would like to buy a house together in next few years and think about childeren around 33-36…
Anywho, my boyfriend also struggles with his weight. And a lot of the time this is the excuse he makes when I ever bring it up… when we met he was very physically fit and committed in the gym, as most relationships he got much happier and lazier with that image and gained weight over the last 4 years. And really struggles with his image, (photos of himself, looking in the mirror) always talking about his belly and his tits (his words not mine) and how much he hates himself. If I ever pass a comment about how long it’s been, the terms he always uses is “I can’t even look at myself naked, I don’t even want to get on top of you when I look like this” … which I can understand. I really do understand the insecurities which can cause this lack of libido, but as a adhd/bpd/ overthinking type of person I fear the worst. And I know men. I know they need to release. I’ve never ever met a man who doesn’t have them urges and the need to release themselves. And we have had a problem in the past when work has really been stressful and he’s been masturbating a lot on his own and not having sex with me… the excuse being stress. But it’s upsetting me. I know the man loves me, I know he cares about me and wants a future with me, he’s sacrificed a lot and has really helped me with my business. He wants the best for us both. And is working hard to get us to the top(we are both very ambitious people) I dont have that sexual attention that I’m craving and because of how he feels about himself, I’m scared to even put it on him, because of his stresses with work, he’s rejected me in the past. And once is enough, if you reject me once I’m never going to try again(another bpd horrible trait of mine) but he knows exactly what I’m like when it comes to attention, fear of abandonment.
I also feel like when we do eventually have sex, that it should be him that puts it on me anyway? It’s damaging my self esteem and if he’s telling me it’s not me? Or us? Or his attraction to me, then he should prove it. Thats how I feel as selfish as it sounds, I also don’t want it to be a quick thing in the morning. It’s been that long that I feel like I deserve a shag of a lifetime. For him to really make love to me.
Anyway, the weight issue. I’m trying my hardest, to help. To encourage? I’ve been training for 5 weeks now.
(I don’t struggle with my weight, I just want a fat ass)
Anyway in that 5 weeks he’s been in a deficit because of me… but still isn’t really trying? When I’m going to the gym x y z , he’s still not going? But still moaning about losing weight and his image?? It’s been more like 6-7 weeks now but I noticed this at 5 weeks how he’s still not putting that effort in, and because I’m bpd. Of course I’m taking it personally, but I know to remain grounded and that it isn’t personal, I know it can be hard getting back into the gym.
But I’m not ugly, I’m not in bad shape, I have a rack and an ass and the greenest eyes? Honestly wouldn’t struggle to find somebody to have sex with me within 5 minutes.
(OBVIOUSLY I WOULDNT DO THAT TO MY BF) but what I’m saying is.. there are men out there that would be waiting to take his spot.
I’m fustraited and I’m sad and I’m just sick of feeling lack of attention,
No sex also means no foreplay, no tease no snogs.
Idk what to do.
Tyia
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Just 1 month and i would ended up things, a converstation would fix this easily.
9 months its too much. Talk and fix or leave
I don’t think he’s cheating or it’s you, if that’s your insecurity
Men have a very nuts and bolts view of the world in a lot of cases. “We have to be X, Y, and Z to turn a woman on”.
I think you need to have a really nuts and bolts conversation. “I love you, and I want you like you are. I know you’re ashamed, but your body isn’t why I love you, and I need to feel loved in return. You can be ashamed, and I get it, but that doesn’t change that I love you and I want to have sex.”
That said, weight gain can really hit a man’s libido, and chronic masturbation is more about dopamine than horniness, so don’t take those things as being interchangeable
Learn how to use paragraphs, lady
I would have a serious discussion with him.
It is one thing to have self esteem issues, but I would also guess, he is releasing somewhere else.
No matter how and where, but you also have needs.
9 months is way too long at that age to ignore and just do nothing. Even if he doesn’t want to be naked, he could try to do something for you. So either he is too lazy to do this, or he is getting enough satisfaction somewhere else easier.
Well…. You either find out what’s wrong and try to fix it or you leave, but be aware your partner might not be willing to change to fix it either
Sounds like you need to have a honest conversation with him about your needs and how serious this is for you. And if no change you might need to look at if you want to stay in this relationship.
But reading your words you seem to have quite a few unhealthy thought patterns and then dismiss them as just the way you are. You work hard to go to the gym and improve your body, you can do the same with your mind and behavior.
You said if your partner rejects you for sex just once, that’s it you will never try again. That is unhealthy as your partner should be allowed to say no when they don’t feel like sex without it turning into a drama where you will never try again. It should only be an issue when it continues and there is a clear difference of libido.
What I am saying is don’t let yourself have unhealthy behaviors and just write them off as just the way you are. You can change those behaviors.
Realistically, someone who’s gained a lot of weight in the past 4 years probably doesn’t have the mindset and technique to lose weight right away, so the first month or two is usually a wash when it comes to actually losing weight. Give him some more grace there, and maybe just keep encouraging him to join you in your workouts so he is more consistent in his efforts. As for the no sex part, that’s tough and I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. 9 months is a long time to go without good sex, so you need to talk to him (soon) about how you feel when he’s not initiating sex, and be up front about what you want from him sexually. Just make sure you reassure him that you’re a team and you’re there to help him. All that being said, you also need to determine what you’re willing to accept in the relationship. If this is a dealbreaker, then how much longer can you put up with the lack of sex?
9 months is a very long time to wait. This has become a pretty serious problem at this point. An honest conversation of “Look, this is not sustainable. I’m not interested in being in a sexless relationship” is more than in order.
It’d be ultimatum time for me…
Love, I’ve tried talking to you about this before, I love you, I am attracted to you now. If you don’t want me anymore, say so, otherwise, you need to fuck me before I fuck off from this relationship. Show me you want me, I won’t be waiting this long again. Get over yourself and love me now, life is TOO damn short for all these excuses.
He clearly has self-image problems which are affecting his libido, also being overweight can affect your ability to get it up and keep it up.
Obviously his issue is getting on top of you because of his size and weight.
He obviously needs to die and exercise to lose weight, but in the meantime why don’t you do things other than intercourse which may overcome that problem.
Oral sex, masturbation, sex toys etc.
good for you , for staying with him even though he gained weight. I was with a girl for 4 years and I got really comfortable with her and we started eating alot together, I gained alot of weight and started to look like a mess. She ended up cheating on me with her manager at work , so it seems like you are a holy person for sticking with him.
Simple answer: talk to him , get him to change. If he doesn’t change his attitude then you leave – its simple.
He complains about his weight but doesn’t put any effort in . Do you know how many men wish they had a girl who was into the gym? NEVER TAKE YOURSELF FOR GRANTED.
Sorry you’re going through this but the only way out is through. I know you said you tried to initiate and he rejected you so you don’t want to try again but I’m afraid that is going to be your best way of resolving this, for a number of reasons. Your man is struggling with confidence and doesn’t feel attractive. The best way to build him up is through action. You can tell him he’s attractive but it’s hard to feel it without action behind it. It’s going to take awhile to fix the routine and break out of the old one. Make time and take steps towards intimacy.
Here’s what I would I suggest trying. When you go to bed, cuddle together naked. Have him spoon you and let nature do the rest. Hopefully from there you can resolve some of the anxiety around sex and build your intimacy back up. Start slow and keep taking steps to ramp things back up. That’s my advice. It worked for me.