This is the situation I am in:
Me and my husband both 30, married for 2.5 years, and we now have a baby. My husband has his own business so he’s flexible with work hours, he goes when he’s needed there.
From the start of marriage, things weren’t as I expected. We were introduced through mutual friends. During our engagement, my husband seemed sweet, religious, and caring — the kind of man I thought every girl dreams of. I loved his family so much and we got very close. He gave me lots of promises and made me feel like he’d give me the world once we got married.
Few months before the wedding, I noticed him becoming distant, not calling, acting cold. When I brought it up, he said he was frustrated and uncomfortable when we talk or meet since we weren’t married yet and didn’t want to say or do anything haram before marriage. I respected that and waited for the version he promised me after marriage.
But right after the wedding, he changed. On our honeymoon, he was distant and seemed uninterested in exploring or spending time with me. Even intimacy felt like an obligation — he wasn’t excited, didn’t initiate and I felt like I always have to take the first move. It always felt weird to me because it’s different especially for men.
When we returned to our home, he constantly stayed out late with friends, playing football or online gaming. I’d wait at home hoping for time together, only for him to come back at Fajr and sometimes after that and collapse into bed. Sometimes I would stay up waiting for him dolled up, making an effort but he often turned me down, saying he was tired or not in the mood. And it made me feel insecure and unattractive and eventually I stopped initiating.
Also realized he doesn’t pray at all, even Friday prayer. I confronted him with everything bothering me and he says he wants to change, but nothing actually changes. He ignores my advice, doesn’t take care of his hygiene he rarely brushes his teeth and doesn’t care about his looks he would wear old, ripped clothes even when meeting his friends (who all look clean and presentable). I’ve begged him to put effort into himself and into us but nothing. This embarrasses me because some of his friends are my friends as well and I saw how some of them look down on him even though he’s got money.
I tried applying for jobs to gain independence, but I got pregnant — something I wasn’t emotionally ready for, especially because he told me not to take pills and that he had “pulled out.” I considered ending the pregnancy early, and we agreed not to tell anyone until I decided. But he told both our families behind my back saying that he was so excited being a dad and he wanted to tell them the good news. I felt pressured about it and kept the baby, hoping he’d step up.
He didn’t. I was sick I was so anemic and vomiting daily from pregnancy complications, and he dismissed it all as “normal” or “all women go through this phase.” Now, 10 months postpartum, we sleep in separate rooms. He hasn’t once asked to sleep together, to go out, or to spend time alone as a couple. I do everything for the baby, and if I leave her with him just to shower, he knocks on the door constantly because he can’t handle her fussiness. I have no support from him except that he provides me with money for the baby and whatever the house needs.
I’m so tired. I feel like I was lied to from the beginning. I married a man who showed me a fake version of himself, and now I’m left to carry everything — physically, emotionally, and mentally. I’m thinking about divorce but don’t know how to tell my parents. Because I’m the one who introduced him to them, and now I have a baby — I feel stuck.
This is the outcome that I want:
I’m thinking about divorce. I want peace and to feel like I’m not carrying everything alone.
What should I do to get that outcome?
How do I move forward from this without hurting my family or making things worse for me and my baby?
TL;DR:
Married for 2.5 years, have a baby. My husband changed right after marriage — emotionally distant, doesn’t help with the baby, barely shows affection, neglects his hygiene, and won’t take responsibility. I feel unloved, unsupported, and alone. I’ve tried everything, but nothing changes. Thinking about divorce, but afraid of my family’s reaction.
Comments
Unfortunately he didn’t change. This is who he always was. He just showed his true colours once you were married. He 100% was planning to baby trap you because 1/ he manipulated you into not taking birth control, 2/ the pull out method doesn’t work and 3/ he forced you to keep the pregnancy by telling your families.
You definitely should get a divorce, you’re already a single mom and he’s not bringing you anything.
You’ll be to be financially independent and have support first though.