I was having a discussion with my SO about a topic that’s been coming up an exhausting amount recently. When I met my SO, I was 5’2” and around 135-140, I am not skinny by any stretch of the word, but I carry the weight well. He had no problems with it when he met me. Fast forward a year until today. I gained a little weight over the winter/spring, around 12 lbs, in large due to an autoimmune flare up and depressive episode. For about a month now, I’ve been really disciplined about exercise, eating well, and see a therapist for the depressive disorder. I have trimmed down a few pounds and continue to put in the work. Thinking my SO would be happy (though that’s not why I did all those things) but yesterday he berated me on how I was skinny when he met me, how unhealthy I look, and how he’s afraid I’ll get so obese I’ll end up in a wheelchair. And how he isn’t attracted to fat women and is said in one snap of a finger away from getting fat quickly. He then said he wouldn’t be able to push me in a wheelchair, which was a little melodramatic, and insisted if he lost more of his hair I’d lose attraction to him. He is balding a little, I answered him honestly and said no I would not lose attraction because attraction for me goes beyond the physical, especially when I’ve been with someone for over a year and have a bond with them, plus plenty of men lose their hair (I was married to one, left because of poor treatment not his lack of hair).
I insisted I was not “skinny” when he met me, and that he was being a little dramatic with the whole obese thing, but that regardless I’m taking care of myself now and putting in the work to get in shape. What more do you want me to do, starve? Obviously without photo context it’s hard to explain this, but I’m 145 ish now (I have Endo and Sjogrens so water weight on a given day has a big impact, as well as thyroid issues on just overall ability to lose weight quickly) but I do not look all that different from when he met me. Thighs a little thicker, butt a little thicker. I’m also well muscled in those regions.
His IG for you page is curated with women who are extremely thin, often big breasts paired with a tiny waist, toothpick arms. He insist he has no idea why IG shows him this stuff… I’m starting to question that given the chronic topic of my weight gain coming up, as I’m proactively trying to lose weight.
I’m not posting here looking for reasons to break up with the guy, obviously it’s come to mind but before jumping to that, I’m looking for advice how to advocate for myself, how to broach a topic of how his words really put me in the dumps, something it can be hard for me to do because of a trauma history.
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He’s allowed to have preferences and lose attraction when you gain weight.
You’re on the way to losing the weight, not sure why this bugs you so much. Men are visual creatures, you can’t “mold” that away.
I’m sorry, but no partner says such insulting things to the person he loves. It sounds like he may have an extremely warped sense of appearance from the media he consumes and a crippling lack of self confidence, which causes him to lash out at you. That would be a major dealbreaker for me.
Since it will never come from him, I’m very proud of all the work you’ve been doing, OP.
If you’re putting in the work, not sure why he decided this is a good topic to start on. Especially knowing you history and why you gained those pounds. He sounds frustrating and unsupportive
I would not be able to live with someone like that, but I had an eating disorder in the past and comments like these would put me in a very bad mental state
He’s certainly allowed to have preferences, but there is zero reason to be cruel about it like he has been.
Why do you even want to be with someone done who talks to you like that? That’s not healthy.
Seriously? This man is telling you loud and clear he will not care for you if anything happens that leaves you unable to prioritize your appearance for an extended period of time. Or if you get pregnant and you’re not quick enough to lose the weight for his liking (which I see from your other posts you’re apparently trying to do?!). Or if he’s just plain in a bad mood and feels like taking it out on someone. Ditch the useless weight he represents and go talk through your trauma with a therapist if you seriously can’t see the Communist parade of red flags marching through this entire situation.
You can leave, sit and take it, or you can act the same in return when he acts cruelly to you. Tell him you want him to look into hair growth serums because you’re worried he’s right about his balding.
Do you plan to have babies? How will he cope with the change to your body???
He sounds incredibly selfish and immature.