I’ll probably feel stupid after posting this but I feel like I need to at the very least vent and I have absolutely no one to do that with.
I turned 30 yesterday. I’m not big on being the centre of attention at ALL but I do look forward to birthdays and allowing myself to feel special for 24 hours. It was reasonably uneventful which is fine I wasn’t expecting anything big – I live with my wife and daughter on the other side of the country as I was posted here in the military. Coincidentally my birthday also marked one year since I discharged.
The morning was nice, got presents and cake and just got to chill with my wife and daughter. Got some food and enjoyed each others company it was nice.
Now at the risk of sounding self absorbed, I kept checking my phone to see if any of my friends from my hometown had messaged or called or even my mates from the defence force. I (thought) I had a lot of friends and was excited to speak to them. I think I had 10 people message me or post on my Facebook and 1 of them was my mother. I tried to not think too much about it as I’m sure I’ve missed people birthdays before, we’re all busy it happens.
The kicker came that night when I was getting ready to go to a concert that my wife had bought me tickets for. She’d organised for a friend to take me and I was really excited. Another mate messaged and said he was going with a girl he was seeing and I suggested we get food before the show. That’s when my wife had a go at me and said that it was super inconsiderate and upsetting that I’d go out for dinner with them and not her and my daughter. This made me feel awful as it wasn’t a birthday dinner it was just food but regardless, she barely spoke to me for the rest of the night before I left and kept having a dig at me saying how much it upset her.
I felt awful and couldn’t stop thinking about it and it really overshadowed the concert for me.
She then picked a fight about it again this morning and I just feel like shit. On top of that, my Nan who I’m EXTREMELY close with forgot my birthday too.
I don’t know if this is all just me being sad and stupid, looking over it written down now it just seems silly. But I’ve been really struggling with my sense of belonging since leaving the defence force and I feel very lonely and isolated. This was a day I was looking forward to as it might actually bring some of the people out and prove that I’m not as alone as I think, but instead it just reinforced something I’ve been trying to avoid accepting.
It goes deeper into me realising that to a lot of people I’m just a spare. A minor character in peoples lives and not worth putting the effort into. I’m not perfect, I get busy and don’t reach out as much as I should but I truly believe I put a lot of effort into managing relationships with those around me.
Yeah well anyway, I feel a little better after writing this already so thanks to anyone who indulges my little sulk.
Tl;dr birthday didn’t feel special at all, don’t have as many friends as I thought and feel very lonely and under appreciated by the few I have around me.
Comments
Yeah, people are so busy these days and wrapped up in their own lives, everyone becomes an afterthought.
Sorry to hear that! It happens to me oftentimes, and I just say whatever to people who forget. But I don’t blame them. With people on their phones all day, they’re just oblivious to goings-on outside their phone.
I put all reminders into Outlook so I can send out a message that day. Otherwise, I’d forget too.
Welcome to thirty. Happy birthday for all its worth. I’m 33, and I think birthdays just lose that excitement the older we get. Maybe not from ourselves, but I think a fair number of older people. If it’s any consolation, my wife got admitted to a hospital for depression the day before my 30th birthday. Kinda put a damper on that weekend sitting home alone, lol. I hope your next birthday goes better.
Hey brother , happy belated birthday . Your wife being mad that your going out to dinner with friends on your birthday is not abnormal . She probably felt left out because she had spent the day with you . On the other hand it is a bit selfish of her to say something on your birthday and ruin the rest of your night. And I think you are right about feeling a bit lonely. As we get older and we have families we tend to drift apart from friends . For many reasons . But mostly we change as people. I’ve reached out to old friends only to realize I’ve grown so much that we don’t really have that much in common anymore . I’ve been married 25 years . In that time I’ve learned that hobbies and making friends who have the same interests are important. We all need time away from the wife and kid sometimes . My advice , join a group, a club , some kind of hobby that doesn’t involve the wife and try making friends with similar interests. And make an effort to be available for them 1 night a week . You’ll be glad you did .
you’re not stupid—you’re just feeling the weight of realizing who’s actually in your corner, and that hurts
military life wires you for loyalty, brotherhood, presence
civilian life? ghost towns and “sorry I missed it” texts
you didn’t do anything wrong—your expectations were just based on real connection, and most ppl aren’t built for that
your wife’s reaction? more about her unmet emotional need than your screw-up
but it still sucks
especially when you’re already feeling invisible
here’s the truth: you do matter
you’re just in a transition where the noise has faded and the real ones haven’t stepped up
use that
this is where you rebuild with intention—not to be celebrated, but to be solid
you’re not a spare
you’re just finally seeing who never saw you fully
Happy birthday 🎊🎈🎉🎁