So I’m 31F with no children, I’m in a relationship with a 35M who has 2 children with his ex. They broke up purely because she was cheating on him for a year and a half and is now with the man she was cheating on him with.
She did treat him badly during there relationship by belittling him and emotionally abusing him
This is all very new to me the whole communication with his ex obviously for the children’s sake but I’m really struggling with it all. I’ve told him that one day I’m worried she’s going to break up with her new boyfriend and come running back and he would take her back in a heartbeat for his children’s sake. He’s told me he would never take her back but I just have this sinking feeling he will.
He misses the kids soo much when there not with him and this is what makes me think he will do it if she offered another chance with him.
I feel like I’m a constant 3rd choice option where she will always come first before me and that will never change.
I feel like a jealous bitch most of the time whenever she rings and we all meet up for something for the children and I want to stop being like this and learn to trust him.
There was a stupid moment when we met up for the children’s sports day and he got a spare ice cream and instead of offering it first to me he offered it to her first, am I insane for being this sensitive?
Please help.
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
His kids are always going to come before you. If this situation doesn’t work for you then end the relationship amicably and move on.
Are you still with him?
dude. just find someone without children. you don’t trust him.
he should probably get therapy for abuse victims tho.
His kids are understandably a priority.
Buts trust me when I tell you, he will not go back to a woman that didn’t appreciate him, that belittled him and basically made him feel like trash. He won’t go back to that.
Find someone else. This a total mental job for you. You need peace and love b
That’s good yeah if he’s bringing his ex icecream and not offering it to you that’s a red flag
Gave her the ice cream over you!? What’s that about!? I would be fuming. So disrespectful
I can’t imagine being in this situation but my heart goes out to you. Talk to your boyfriend about how you feel and think about if you want to marry into this situation and what it would look like. (If marriage is your goal, I know it isn’t everyone’s). He told you he’d never go back to her so you gotta trust that, but tell him that putting her first hurts you. Tell him his kids can and should be his main priority but you come first before the baby mama. Tell him the ice cream thing hurt and told you that he thinks of her first which should never happen. If his actions continue or if he ignores your concerns then LEAVE AND NEVER LOOK BACK
Hold up…. he gave her the ice cream over you?? That’s weird…. yea that would piss me right off. Not about the ice cream is it. You weren’t the go to or his immediate thought.
With the ice cream thing he came back with his little girl who he got a ice cream for and said he got given a spare but yeah offered it to her before me, I mentioned this to him and he said he didn’t want his little girl who is 5 to wonder why he didn’t offer it to his ex first which I thought was a load of toss but I didn’t question it when he said that I just feel like a jealous witch with little things like that but this is first time for me being in a relationship with someone who has kids so I don’t no what’s normal and what’s not he said I’m being too sensitive about it all but I just don’t no
If the kids are little, I probably wouldn’t stick around if it was bothering me because it’s going to get worse. Even if there is a legal custody agreement in place, you are going to have to prepare yourself for difficult holidays, them attending family events together for the kids, constant contact over things like doctor’s visits, school, sports, friends/social activity. This is all, ideally, in the best interest of the kids. It’s a lot and would make most people feel insecure even with a supportive partner. I am speaking from experience on both sides of this issue (being a stepmom and sharing with kids with someone I’m no longer married to).
From the ex-wife’s perspective, we don’t want him back. We wish we would have left sooner. I would definitely confront him about the ice cream. He was being a ding ding there. Old habits die hard, that’s all I’ll say. I think he was being absent minded with that interaction but I’d bring it up anyway.
I thought it might be insecurity until you mentioned he brought one spare ice cream and offered it to her first. Is this a common theme? Where you’re treated as an afterthought?
We’d need more information to tell if this is all in your head and maybe you’re not cut out for a relationship with someone who has kids. Or maybe you’re right, and the issue here is that you’re just a stand-in.
“There” indicates a place or position.
“Their” is the possessive form of “they,” indicating ownership.
“They’re” is a contraction of “they are.”
My exes gf’s are all told this lie that he’s the victim and I abused him. It’s completely the opposite. I fled due to his abuse.
Think… if it was true would he really want her back?
How long ago did they break up? Sounds like he’s afraid to upset his ex incase she messes with his access to the kids. Also sound like she’s manipulated him a lot in the past.
I would ask him how he feels about how thier relationship ended. I get the feeling that he hasn’t finished grieving the future with his family he never got to have because of her betrayal.
I don’t think he is even aware of the way he’s behaving and how hurtful it is to you. It’s going to take him a while to re-set his responses and it’s not about you or her it’s about his dream being destroyed and he’s not over it yet. But he’s definitely over her even if he doesn’t manage that well in her company. I would suggest he gets support to unpick the damage she’s done to him, it will help him be a better partner to you and father to his children.
I mean this is the nicest way, but it doesn’t sound like Iike youre mature enough to be with someone who has children.
If you can’t handle not being number 1, then you should leave the relationship.
I really appreciate all this comments and the sole reason I wrote on here was to get advice from a outside view and all these comments have really helped me, I have fallen in love with him this is why it’s hard to know what is right and what is wrong especially with me being in a relationship first time with someone who has kids, I will take everything on the chin and try and be patience and see the outcome, I will try and keep you all updated if anything else happens ❤️❤️ xx