Hi all, I’m 31 and my girlfriend is also 31. We’ve been in a long-distance relationship for 3 years—I’m in the US and she’s in the UK. She has three kids, and I’ve grown to love them deeply. She even offered to sign spouse visa paperwork so I can move there, live with her, and start building a future together. So this isn’t a situation where we’re not committed—we are. We’ve talked about having kids together, and she often brings up our future and how she can’t wait until I move.
Even after all this time, I’ve never truly felt like she was crazy about me. I know that might sound like I’m seeking validation, but it’s not that—I don’t need someone to obsess over me. It’s just that… I’ve always felt a lack of emotional excitement or appreciation from her end. And that feeling has been there since the beginning.
She has a very avoidant attachment style and is extremely introverted. She’s said multiple times that it’s hard for her to express emotions or be vulnerable. I understand that, especially considering what she’s been through—her last relationship was extremely traumatic. Her ex-husband abused her physically and sexually, threatened to kill her, isolated her from her family, and basically controlled every aspect of her life. She raised their kids almost entirely on her own.
I know she loves me. And I know she’s incredibly loyal—there’s no part of me that suspects cheating or dishonesty. But still, I can’t shake this lingering feeling that I’m just… not seen or fully appreciated. For example, when we video call, she often seems emotionally flat. Sometimes we can go days without talking (or communicating in general), and it doesn’t seem to faze her.
I’m very emotionally intuitive, and I’ve always been able to read people well. But with her, I constantly feel like I’m grasping in the dark. She’s hard to read. It’s like I’m pouring a lot into this relationship emotionally and practically, but I’m not sure it lands. I’ve helped this person out a lot in life (and she has helped me too), but I feel like it goes unnoticed.
Has anyone else ever been in a relationship like this? Where there’s love and commitment, but a persistent feeling of emotional distance? I’m not looking for her to shower me with affection every day—but I do want to feel seen and appreciated. What should I do to attempt to fix this and how should I interpret this type of behavior?
TLDR:
I’m 31M, she’s 31F. We’ve been in a long-distance relationship for 3 years. She’s loving, loyal, and wants a future with me, but she’s emotionally distant due to trauma and an avoidant attachment style. I’ve never really felt appreciated or emotionally connected, even though we’re committed. I’m wondering if others have experienced something similar—where love is there, but emotional warmth is lacking. What should I do to attempt to fix this and how should I interpret her behavior?