(32f) married to (50m). Is this toxic and should I leave?

I’ve been with my husband for nearly 10 years and married for 3 of them. Our relationship started out wonderful, despite our age gap we had a lot in common. Because I had a child from a previous relationship, I felt a lot older than a lot of people my age. He was a great step dad and my daughter loved him. Before my mother passed she confided in me that she was worried he was too controlling and not the right person for me. I heard what she was saying but felt it was too late to turn back as we were due to get married and hes behaviour wasnt so obviously controling at that point, i had also just given birth to our son and really wanted to make it work. I can’t ignore what’s happening anymore, sometimes I think its all in my head and im just over reacting.

. If I feel bad about something, i can always count on him making me feel worse. From the smallest thing like missing a bus is my fault because I didn’t leave early enough, to I should feel bad for not taking my son out to the park (usually because of my ME i sometimes feel a bit shakey to run around the park so make do with creative play at home). The judgement from not cooking properly, cleaning properly, spending money on things he considers a waste (like a latte, or a fruit bar for my son, or even just new pyjamas for myself).

. The lack of empathy has got worse as well. I have recently been diagnosed with ME, lost both my parents, and my eldest child is autistic and an inpatient in hospital for an eating disorder. He tells me all the time im spending too much time focusing on my daughter and her hospital admission instead of being with my son. (Since my daughters admission my husband has taken over as our sons main caregiver so I can be at the hospital). I spent over 2 years raising our son but now my husband is feeling bored and resentful of having to spend he’s days as a full time dad. Despite the fact he used to tell me I was moaning when I would dare complain that i was struggling looking after our son on my own when he was working.
When I’ve tried to talk to him about memories about my parents and how much I miss them, he doesn’t want to listen and just says I need to stop worrying. He saw me having a panic attack once and just walked past me, curled on the bed crying and not even one word of comfort.

. He denies this but I dont think he respects me because I am a woman. Somtimes I will be talking to him and he just completely ignores me as if he hasn’t heard me, even when I’m right next to him. If i ask him if he has heard me he just says that obviously he has heard me but that he doesn’t have to acknowledge everything I say. He tells me that I talk to much, if I ask him for a hug he wants time to relax and that I’m too needy. He has no interest in the things I care about, when I talk passionately about something that means a lot to me he just says I’m being over the top. I feel like Im “too much”. He says women are too emotional and when he says something hurtful juat blames it on me being overly sensitive. He is extremely sexist and basically thinks men are smarter than women and women just like to moan.

. I don’t feel loved, wanted or appreciated. When I try to express myself sexually he is not interested. I have to wait till he is in the mood and only then can we be together in that way.

. He gaslights me, he says hurtful things and either denies saying them or that he doesn’t remember. He will tell me to do something a certain way, if i do and it doesnt go right, he will act as if I was wrong for doing it that way in the first place. He has yelled horrible things to me and then been confused when he has found me crying in the bathroom. He will ask what’s wrong and that he can’t understand why im upset and will take no responsibility for being the person that made me feel that way.

. The worst thing is I dont want him to raise our son to be like him. He’s opinions on women and how homophonic he can be. He told me off for buying my son a barbie (my son had asked for one), or getting him a pink picnic basket.

I tell myself that im the one with the problem, that he’s a good man really and i would be ruining my children’s lives by leaving. Plus how would I even cope. I just need to know other people’s opinions. Should I leave? Is this toxic behaviour? I would really appreciate any opinions given. Thank you.

TL;DR
My husbands behaviour has been leaving me feeling unloved, unheard and depressed. What would you do in my position?