I’ve been relationship jumping since I was 18. Ended up married to a narcissistic man child who treated me like absolute garbage. Why? Because he was incredibly attractive and I thought it made me worthy that he ‘chose me’.
I’m finally single now, for the first time in my adult life… and I’m terrified. Every day I fight the urge to get back on a dating app. I feel less than for being single. But also, I’m terrified of dating again and putting all my energy into someone else when I know I’m the one that needs it right now. Getting sober and healing from an eating disorder. I need to do this alone.
For those of you that have ever struggled with it.. how do you let go of the need for male validation?
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You are so strong for getting through this and wanting to grow from your experience! That alone is something wonderful, resilient women do to finally see their true wirth through such hardship.
My secret, embarrassing, perhaps psycho but (at least to me) healing advice. I completely understand if that is not something everybody is comfortable with ha:
Besides that:
Oof! Been there done that. Start by validating yourself. Put on your cutest outfit just to sit around the house. Take yourself on dates. Buy yourself presents and flowers. Look in the mirror and tell yourself you are beautiful and worthy. Do that everyday, every morning and every night. Hell do it ever time you see your own reflection until you start to truly believe it. Spend time in your own energy. Find out what you like to do, what makes you happy. Cry about all the times you abandoned yourself. Journal and be brutally honest about your insecurities and then tell yourself you love you anyway. Imagine yourself at 5 and 14 and 21 and tell her how special she is and how much you love her. Tell her that you got her back and she will never be too much for you. The validation of others, men or women, matters very little when we truly like otherwise. Get to know yourself, and change anything you simply can’t accept and give grace to those bits as well. Become your favorite person in the world.
I don’t have the answer, but I do want to say, everyday you don’t love yourself feels like a slightly wasted day to me. You gain nothing by NOT loving yourself. If you have to start saying it before you can believe it, so be it, start telling yourself that you love yourself.
I haven’t read it in years but ‘What to Say when You Talk to Yourself’ changed my life. I have loved myself every day since I finished that book, so I hope it’s aged OK lol.
Learning to love yourself! There is no way around it. Look into the mirror everyday and tell yourself “I love you”, many many times in a row. You don’t have to say it out loud, thinking is sufficient, but you have to (want to) mean it. It takes time and might feel very uncomfortable for a while, but it gets better!
It’s hard but it’s also so necessary. Here are a few things that helped me:
Give yourself a hug. Like actually hug yourself and show/give yourself the compassion you need and deserve.
Therapy. Find a therapist who you click with to help you navigate sobriety and being eating disorder-free. Learning to live in these new ways is going to be both amazing and challenging, and having someone in your corner is going to be very helpful.
Learn to sit with pain and discomfort. Let yourself feel your feelings and heal in new ways. Listen to podcasts, meditate, drink tea, get good rest, read good books.
Take yourself out to dinner, lunch, movies, concerts.
Do some inner child work. It helps to do guided meditations where you picture yourself as a young child and you give them the love that you needed back then.
And finally: decentralize men
Therapy therapy therapy. You got this, friend
check out robin clark! I love her stuff. you’re amazing for acknowledging and confronting this. it isn’t easy <3
You are doing amazing. Think about all the love and energy you poured into pointless men. Now think about what you could do, or feel, or be if you poured 10% into yourself!
I decided that I was going to start treating myself like I am worthy of respect and care, even if I didn’t believe that deep down. I learned how to be kinder to myself, how to take care of me for my sake rather than to make me more desirable to a man, and how to be comfortable in my own company. I started saying what I wanted, standing up for myself, and setting boundaries in everyday interactions. I started dressing to please myself, not anyone else. Sometimes I had to grit my teeth and force myself to do this, but it t began to feel more natural and comfortable with time.
I also started thinking about what a happy and fulfilling single life might look like for me, and daydreaming that life. What kind of place I wanted to live in, what I’d do with my time, and all the things I wanted to try out.
I’m happily in a relationship now, loved by an absolutely wonderful man. But I consider the years I took to be single to be a gift I gave myself. I wouldn’t have been able to effectively dismiss men who weren’t so good for me without that time. And then I’d have been tangled up in yet another bad relationship instead of available when we finally crossed paths.
Self-love and validation can feel so foreign and intimidating, but it really is like a muscle. You start with the smaller weights and work your way up as you gain strength. Anytime you make a decision for yourself, give yourself props OUT LOUD. Feeling depressed but still found the will to take a shower? Tell yourself ‘I’m proud of me’. Have a day where you pick an outfit you really like? Give yourself props. Have a day where you’re tempting to fall into your ED habits but resist? FOR SURE celebrate yourself. Over time, validation and positive self-talk will not feel so foreign and you’ll gain footing and momentum.
So proud of you for taking these first steps to heal and do the work. <3
Find a therapist you connect with and commit to working thru some hard things.
The only way is thru.
Live by yourself, single, for at least a year. You will learn so much about yourself, which means when you do start dating you’ll have a better sense of who is right for you. If you’re just jumping from one partner to the next it’s hard to maintain a true sense of self.
Therapy.
And stop dating.
You don’t need them. You need YOU.