34F struggling how to move forward with spouse 35M

My BIL had been living with my husband and since the beginning of our marriage. I have noticed that my BIL had frequently struggled– whether with graduating from his masters, getting a job, being laid off (2 months into our marriage, which is when he moved in withbmy husband) and the extent to which my husband would help him or let it become all-consuming was rather excessive through the brief period we dated/were engaged.

When he was moved in there was barely any conversation about this situation, the longevity of his stay, finances, nothing. It quite badly impacted our marriage, I would say, but my husband never agrees. He did not even think us living together alone before having kids was necessary (in response to questioning me about not bringing up the subject of kids 4 years into marriage, I said we have to live alone first and this was his response).e

5 years later his brother finally moved. Throughout this ordeal, his brother has not once been transparent with me about his plans and he clearly has some developmental issues that the parents and my husband do not want to address and like to treat him as innocent and saintly. Even day of, he put a group text he was flying out to our home country and told me I was only being informed because I would notice his absence eventually.

There is a lot more to unpack here, but 10 days ago when my husband told me this news (that his brother would be eventually flying out) and yesterday when he went to drop his brother, he has gone into a mood and his behavior towards me has shifted. It’s almost like he’s angry that I don’t share his sympathy for his brother. Yesterday he got hostile that I asked him so many times what’s wrong/what was bothering him and should I not know, given that he dropped his brother. I understand his emotions, but when one acts hostile towards another person, would the other person not be worried that the subject of that anger is them?

He finally went and slept in the room his brother sleeps in. I feel like the entirety of our marriage has been consumed so much by this guy’s issues and my husband’s overprotectiveness of him. Not only do I not have the space to express my frustration with this issue, because his brother is “non-intrusive” and “keeps to himself”, I also have to contend with being shut out of my husband’s moods and play guessing games because I am not offering the sympathy that he thinks his brother deserves. We never talk about important stuff and he cryptically said he did not want to share anything because “different people have different perceptions on this situation.”

I literally paid bills, cooked, cleaned and had no access to one bedroom in a 2 BHK, was frequently inconvenienced, never kept in the loop, but still referred this guy for jobs where I could. I find it very unfair that I am being shut out like this? How do I proceed?

One key piece of information is I got fed up with my BIL’s behavior around 2 years ago and almost stopped talking to him, unless it’s logistical stuff like food that was made for him to take.

TL;DR: Husband is giving silent treatment after his brother’s situation boiled over, and will not share reason. This is second spate in 10 days. Even if he talks to me it’s just to lecture me.