So, I definitely understand the idea of happy wife happy life and a lot of things aren’t worth fighting over but this has been nagging on my mind for a while now. We’ve been dating for 4 years which may or may not be a very long time but we’ve been having some marriage talks and I (34M) it’s about time to at least start the engagement process and then get actually married in a year or two, though the actual timeline doesn’t really matter too much.
Anyway, my girlfriend (30M) claims she does not like surprises (though the times I’ve given her nice surprises, she seemed to really like them). She also wants to pick out her own ring. And, when the proposal happens, she wants to make sure her nails are done so they look good for pictures.
All of this is completely understandable to me. It makes perfect sense. However, I feel like what is then implied is so unfun and unromantic.
Yes, we consider each other end game so a proposal shouldn’t come as a surprise, but if we pick out a ring together, it’s like signaling that it’s going to telegraph that it’s happening soon-ish and it lessens the element of surprise. I get that there are a lot of cons for me picking out a ring myself, notably A. I don’t know her ring size and B. She could not like it, but I don’t know. I just feel some sort of way about it.
Secondly, if she wants to have her nails done prior to the proposal, then that means that not only will she pick the ring, she’s also picking the exact time that the proposal is going to happen pretty much. She says that there could be a way to get around it by coordinating with her sister to get her to do her nails without her catching on but I personally think that that is impossible.
All in all, from my perspective, it’s like, everything will be planned out and scheduled and it just feels terribly inorganic to me.
I was hoping to secretly buy a ring (maybe at costco with a good return policy just in case) and propose when she isn’t totally expecting it. I understand there are many things about this that is impractical but it’s how I always kind of imagined it would go.
But like I said at the beginning, I’m probably going to concede what I want because making her happy is more important since the details really aren’t that important at the end of the day. I just feel a little disappointed, I guess. I think my perspective is more romantic whereas my girlfriend’s perspective is a lot more pragmatic.
Is a proposal and engagement more a formality and I’m just being naive?
TLDR; My girlfriend and I have different perspectives on how the engagement process should be.
Comments
Pick out a ring with her.
Then, get her some kind of ‘nails done 1x/week for a year gift certificate’.
Now that you have satisfied her main requirements, plot away. (Although reading between the lines, a ‘stadium Jumbotron sports event’ proposal isn’t probably the best idea
Let her pick her ring.
She can also pick yours out , so you get the surprise ring you want and she gets the one she wants. It’s win-win.
Your plan to ignore everything she said she wants and just do what you want is probably not the best way for you to tell her you want a happy lifelong relationship.
Don’t buy a surprise ring from Costco. (unless it’s a placeholder before she picks the real ring with you)
What you say, and how you say it can be a surprise, but it’s clear your GF does want to have a say in the ring and does want to be able to prepare.
Talk to her. Ask her if she would be OK with a surprise proposal with placeholder ring, if you then afterwards planned a nice photo session with a real ring afterwards.
The proposal is just as much about you as it is about her. It sounds like you’ve had a lot of conversation about engagement. And you still do not have an idea of what kind of ring she wants? Has she never showed you pictures? In 4 years, have you two never gone into a jewelry store so she can try rings on “for fun”? She doesn’t have another ring that you can borrow to base the size on?
(Most jewelers have return policies regarding engagement rings provided you’re not designing your own; you’re not limited to Costco.)
I feel like she wants her nails done because she’s anticipating engagement photos, but the proposal and engagement photos don’t have to be on the same day.
This must be a generational thing, I had never even heard of women dictating their own proposals until a few years ago.
I’m Gen X and actually don’t know many married couples where the man proposed, it was more like they talked about it for a while and mutually decided it was time to get married. The whole planned “proposal” thing always seemed to me like something from the past or in the movies. I think this current trend is basically more about staging a scene to be recorded and shared on social media, which I agree is neither romantic nor intimate. I don’t get it, I would think a woman would rather have the romance of a proposal inspired by the man’s own feelings, not her stage directions. It’s the difference between telling someone to give you flowers (when, where and what kind), and having them unexpectedly present you with a beautiful bouquet.