I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 3 months, and I’m about to meet his family. He warned me they “don’t like Muslims” because his mom and family, as a children, experienced a violent attack by Muslims. I’m not Muslim or religious at all, but I’m half Arab, and to his mom, Arab = Muslim. She doesn’t approve of him dating someone with my background.
He told me that when he dated a British girl with a tan, his mom still called her a Muslim and used slurs. He hasn’t outright told me to lie about my heritage and my life in the middle east, but it’s extremely obvious he’d prefer I keep it quiet.
He even mentioned it was good that “I don’t look arab”
Here’s the thing, I’ve been through this before. I once dated a Muslim guy whose mom constantly insulted me for my ethnicity. It was exhausting, and I promised myself I’d never again hide who I am to make someone else’s prejudice more comfortable. I have a lot of love to give, but if they’re not willing to accept it because of this, I feel like I shouldn’t waste my time.
I get that his mom’s trauma is real. But trauma doesn’t excuse racism. And if my boyfriend’s solution is for me to just “blend in” instead of standing by me, that feels like a huge red flag.
If one day marry him, his mom will always be around, and I’m not sure I want to sign up for a lifetime of being quietly disapproved of just for existing.
Any advice?
TL;DR: My boyfriend’s mom doesn’t approve of my ethnicity and I’m wondering if I should keep pursuing this relationship.
Comments
There’s literally only red flags here, including that he is 35.
Dump this loser. He should either be setting expectations for his family’s behavior or not spending time with them if they can’t be not racist. Your boyfriend would rather force you to lie to keep the peace than be proud to be with you as you are.
Yeah dump this loser.
>He even mentioned it was good that “I don’t look arab”
what good qualities do you see in him, and why don’t girls his age see them?
I think he’s a human dealbreaker
Them red flags brighter than a diamond.
Girl sorry but leave him… you should not feel like you’re hiding in a relationship.
“I promised myself I’d never again hide who I am to make someone else’s prejudice more comfortable. I have a lot of love to give, but if they’re not willing to accept it because of this, I feel like I shouldn’t waste my time.” This is a great promise you made to yourself, having learned the hard way. Make sure you stay true to what you told yourself then.
Also, think about what this says about this guy that he’d even ask. Is that the type of guy you envision yourself ending up with?
I think your attitude is perfect, and you definitely should not sign up for a lifetime of being quietly disapproved of just for existing.
But it’s his mom, so this will be a test of his character. If he is forreal about this then he needs to stand up for you, and deal with the potential consequences coming from his mom if she can’t handle it. How he does that should be what you base your decision on. And you should absolutely not hide your heritage or let him explain away that or your looks. Fuck it; tell her about your heritage as soon as possible if he doesn’t, so you won’t have to wait around to find out if he is willing to let his mom be racist towards someone he dates. If that is the case then you should ditch him asap.
Good luck with this.
So he purposefully picked you, knowing his mother is going to vile to you and his solution is for to do what? Change who you are?! It SHOULD be a deal breaker.
No 35 year old that isn’t a loser dates a 23 year old.
He’s dating you because you’re inexperienced and don’t notice his red flags. Your brain isn’t done developing and though you are an adult, you’re inexperienced and still very young. He’s taking advantage of you. You need to date someone under 30.
The moment he uttered those words I would have checked out and moved on. You’re lucky that he’s shown you himself so early on.
A whole grown 35 year old man and acting like an utter p….. is so completely unattractive.
Find someone else who is proud of who you are and doesn’t want to hide you.
Advice: This is not a healthy relationship for you. Not just because his mom is racist and Islamophobic. He also clearly has some of her racism as well. Do you really want to be with someone who would want you to hide your ethnicity to save him the trouble? It doesn’t sound like he will have your back when she finds out, either.
For what it’s worth, I do empathize with her for having a traumatic experience, but trauma is not an excuse for bigotry, and she doesn’t get a free pass because of it. You also don’t have to bear the burden of being on the receiving end of her racism because of it.
bail out before it’s too late
Run.
This dude is not worth the heartache.
All you can do is go on and see how things develop. Make it a point that his mother and the family knows you’re not religious at all, and not a Muslim, because obviously that’s the whole tension and apprehension.
After seeing the proofs of that, his mother can change completely, and come to fully like you and develop a good relationship with you. To be apprehensive, or to fear the consequences of cultural differences in an intimate relationship or future marriage, is something very different from being a racist, and it’s very understandable.
Only experience will tell, but all could go well.
This behavior will only get worse. For him to ask that you betray your heritage and identity is selfish, cruel and cowardly. Clearly he doesn’t deserve you if he cannot stand up to his mother. He cares deeply what she thinks so don’t waste your energy there. If you do, you will come to resent hm and the rest of his family.