I have chronic back pain and severe nerve damage and it hurts to move. I need a wheelchair to travel more than 20 meters, otherwise im in a lot of pain. I avoid going out because im open and vulnerable, but for some reason I have the urge to fight. I don’t mean verbally, but a physical brawl, ive never been in a fight before (i used to do martial arts before I was disabled) but i feel like I have to prove im not weak or defenseless. Ive looked into wheelchair martial arts and wheelchair boxing, but i can’t manage that type of movement. I am 38, this is a childish feeling to have, but I have it. I’ve been bullied for most of my life and never stood up (no pun intended) for myself. This feeling has put me in a major pit of depression and I hate myself. Can anyone help me deal with this please.
37, disabled, why do I feel the need to fight?
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with all respect, what causes you to be disabled ? I know there’s many things . How did it happen?
You’re probably angry about your problems and want to take it out on someone. Maybe look into a “rage room “.
I help teach in a karate dojo and I think most would be willing to work with you on creating a training regimen. Off the top of my head, wrist locks and arm bars would be great fun to learn and can be done from a chair. There are also wheelchair katas. I think it would be a fun challenge for a sensei!
While I’m not as severely disabled as you are, I’ve had similar feelings. In my opinion, it’s a mixture of three things: anger, desire for self-sufficiency, and a desire for control.
Angry because, obviously, anyone in your situation is bound to feel frustrated that they’re having to deal with what they are.
A desire for control because much about your current state was out of your control.
A desire for self-sufficiency because your current state is making living a ‘normal’ life difficult if not impossible.
If you’re able, finding a hobby or craft you’re able to do, or a side gig to make a bit of extra money, can give back some control and self sufficiency in your life. As for the anger, a rage room has already been suggested, but if you’re a gamer fighting games are a great outlet for frustration.
Depression often masks itself as anger and rage.
Honestly, it doesn’t sound childish at all. You’ve been carrying around all that “I never fought back” energy for years, and now it’s boiling over. The urge to fight is really just the urge to feel strong again — and there are ways to get that without throwing punches.
It’s not childish, it’s a craving for strength and control. Try channeling it into adapted exercise, hobbies, or therapy to prove to yourself you’re not powerless.
How about video games? I think fighting stuff in video games can be relaxing and might help with the feeling.
As someone in basically the same position I can tell you. This happens usually within the first decade of being physically disabled. Especially with disorders that cause pain like ours. Part of it is your body is not used to being so stagnant. I was an athlete myself and that urge to move is strong even though your body is riddled with pain. It’s a feeling restless but when you move, you hurt, so you don’t move, and you feel restless. It’s a whole cycle. The other part is anger. Pain makes you angry. Losing your social circles, losing your sport, and sometimes losing friends and family will add to that anger. I turn it inward myself. I don’t want to fight as much as I want to cut the pain out of my body. Which is stupid because the problem is in my spine. Even if cut off my leg it would still hurt because the nerve damage is in my spine. But that anger is real and you have to deal with it. It sucks and most of us can’t afford therapy. But you have to find a way to cope with it before it destroys what’s left of your relationships.
My guess is you’re either in a state of survival or just very insecure.
Simply put, given your disabilities you would be an easy person to pick off and I think your mind knows that. If we lived like caveman, you would be easy prey to be picked off by coyotes or something. You might be using aggression as a way to get people or potential threats to leave you alone, to go away. Having no one around you means no one to pick you off.
Included in the insecurity might be absent security. A wheelchair bound kid might be more capable of being happy or accepting because they have parents or some sort of group to make sure they are safe.
Once again. All of this is a guess.
Learn to play Fortnite so you can be humbled by being beaten by 12 year olds.
Video games are great though. Maybe not a PvP focused one, but play a game that lets you get out and explore. If you’ve been feeling restricted in your movements, getting out and exploring Witcher 3, Red Dead Redemption 2, Breath of the Wild (or Tears of the Kingdom), or many of the other great open world games could be a literally mindset change for you.
Creative expression also goes a long way. Feel proud of something you made, carve some wood or learn to cook some new meals. It doesn’t matter what it is, but feel good doing it.
You were a strong able bodied person and lost that identity. It is natural to want to get it back. Try to find something else to give you joy. New hobbies or ones you gave up long ago.
I went back to building Lego sets . It doesn’t make the desires go away but bringing back an old part of myself not just losing a part has helped.
This is a hard, hard pill to swallow but you need to humble yourself. You have a greater purpose. The good news is that you are not done.
get acupuncture my dude, you got energy that needs to be put to good use. Focus on fighting the decay of Time and Gravity, not other humans
I have a debilitating chronic illness that has wasted my body away, which used to be healthy and strong. I used to have a need to be able to ‘fight’, not that it ever happened.
Nowadays, I consider myself stronger than I ever was before the now-times. It is just a very different kind of strength, but much deeper. I used to have everything; health, (somewhat) good looks, youth, strength, a job I liked in a career I was excelling at, good social life, decent dating life. And yet I was miserable half the time, never content, always needing something more, more, more.
Now as a broken husk of who I used to be, I have about 1.000 times more power to fight through much, much, much worse difficulties than I Ever faced before. And that with practically none of the pleasures of life I used to indulge myself in.
Reframe what you consider strength.
Tbh, I think the urge to fight and rough house is completely normal. You might be feeling it more because of your disabilities but contact sports exist for this kind of urge.
I know you may not be able to satisfy it, but they do have disabled sports leagues that will wear you out without fighting, and that helps. Racing, maybe basketball depending on your ability. Or start with some gentle weight lifting.
I’ve found it helps a lot if you do SOMETHING. Even cornhole or bocce helps. I think it’s just the urge to be competitive and since you’re disabled and will struggle to compete it gets worse. I went from relatively health to kinda broken asf, and just got back to kinda playing sports. It’s helped.
You can also go the other way, and dive into mediation and sound baths and stuff, but that never helped me for long, maybe due to adhd.
I’m not going to pretend to know what it’s like to be you, but I think a good social worker, a punching bag and gloves might be good investments. Also, have you ever baked bread? Rage baking is a very physical thing. You can beat the crap out of that dough. Also, you have fresh baked bread to eat. Win-win!
I would recommend taking up a hobby that you can be competitive at that has fruitful and meaningful payoffs. Art, painting or sculpture, or musical instruments.
Oh I get it. You are angry about your situation. Its totally unfair and no matter how kind people are, that doesnt make you who you once were.
Its easier to get more and more angry as you go through the Healthcare system and are dehumanized.
Please get therapy. Your anger is only hurting you.
Go to the firing range. Having an implement in your hands that can be used to kill anybody that might pose a threat to you, and knowing how to use it, provides a very interesting shift in perspective.
Plus, you can learn enough about handgun self-defense to put you on equal footing with any unarmed able bodied person in an afternoon.
Just keep things under control. It’s a hobby that can get out of hand. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3rVGQzZl5BI
Fellow in chronic pain. I know that anger very well. The rage can really eat you up. Also makes pain worse in a lot of ways. Look into curable. Best of luck to you