I 38F have been with my 38M husband for nearly 10 years. We have been separated for almost 6 months now mainly due to an emotional affair he had along with drinking and mental/ verbal stuff. I’m in the process of doing the paperwork for divorce and every time I talk with him on the phone or see him in person it ends up with him accusing me of being with someone else. During everything I’ve never seen, talked to or had any interaction that could even remotely account to that. I try to ask him who’s saying it or seeing it as he tells me he knows everyone and everything going on. But all he’ll ever tell me is it doesn’t matter, don’t worry about it. Why can’t he understand that I simply don’t trust him anymore and that the love doesn’t exist. When I tried to give it a chance I was physically recoiling any time he tried to show some affection. I believe that my body knew before my mind that things would never be the same. But telling him this makes him only say that I didn’t give him a real chance and ask he wants back is me his wife. I always get Dr. Hyde and Mr. Jeckle of I love you and I’m going to make your life a miserable hell. Is there anything that I can do or say that can stop this?
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You handled it exactly right, emotionally investing in someone tethered to a sinking ship is self-torture. Reality always catches up, but sometimes you’re just the warm-up act for the inevitable collapse. Keep your dignity, pull back hard, and remember: you deserve a whole person, not leftovers.
Also, trust me, staying as “just friends” while carrying that emotional baggage is a trap. Don’t be the consolation prize.
You stop this by getting a divorce, which is what you’re doing.
If you have kids, get a co-parenting app and only communicate about the kids on that app. Second, tell him that if he wants to communicate with you, email you or talk to your lawyer. Stop taking calls from him. Remove the stress from your life.
You can’t. He’s facing the consequences of his actions and most likely doesn’t like them. Keep it civil and to the point, don’t engage in his BS.
Shut down any conversation. Communicate through your lawyer, and stop talking to him on a personal basis. This relationship is over, and it’s up to you to enforce that.
You don’t have to respond to any of it. You already know you aren’t going to hear whatever you’re hoping for. You know he just wants to argue and verbally abuse you more. You know nothing good is going to come from the conversations. So stop engaging.
I don’t think you can do or say anything to make an abuser stop being abusive – except put yourself out of his reach. You are in the process of doing exactly that. In the meantime, just do your best not to engage when you have to see him – stick to the business at hand & refuse to discuss your reasons for leaving. You’ve already said what needs saying. He’s refusing to accept responsibility. Maybe he believes the lies he’s telling himself, maybe he’s just trying to rile you. Either way, it’s unproductive.
You don’t say if there are any children involved here.
If there are kids involved, your first priority is to shield them from any fallout, then agree access terms and how it is to be handled, preferably through lawyers, then keep contact to a minimum afterwards. Just don’t engage.
If there are no kids, get your lawyers to agree a split of assets, then cut contact.
I am so sorry you are going through this right now. My heart goes out to you. It will get better.
In dealing with your spouse, you can go the snark path: too bad you didn’t think of me when you were investing time with someone else, etc.
Or you can try grey rocking. Be emotionaly unavailable. Keep interactions short and stick to a list of actions items when you must interact. Don’t engage if he goes off the rails. His feelings aren’t your problem anymore.
It will be tough. But you can do this. One foot in front of the other, take time for yourself, and journal if you get overwhelmed.
Best of luck moving on.
Tell him all conversation needs to go through your lawyer. My ex told people I’d had an affair. Yes, as the only one working, and the primary carer for a toddler who didn’t sleep and had frequent ear infections, I had the time and energy for THAT.
Some people feed on drama. He will never acknowledge his fault.
Stop having conversations with him over the phone. Email or text and keep it to only those things necessary to move the divorce forward.
Everything is an argument because YOU ARE ALLOWING IT.
GET AN STD TEST
BLOCK HIM
GET A LAWYER
BLOCK HIM
GET A RESTRAINING ORDER
BLOCK HIM
He’s blaming this on you so he doesn’t have to face the fact that he fucked up, repeatedly for years. He’s soothing his own ego by making this your fault in his head. You won’t convince him otherwise because he needs this self-delusion to maintain his sense of superiority. Stop engaging with his delusions, even denying it allows him to play the victim and think of you as a liar. Communicate only through lawyers and parenting apps if you have kids. Outside of that, get him blocked on everything. If he finds another way to contact you, ignore it and block that too. Look up the “grey rock” method. He wants a reaction from you. Stop giving him what he wants.
Deep into a relationship with no hope. Will be a few years of difficulty, but there’s light at the end at that tunnel. No light where you are.
he’s a projecting, cheating drunk – you should by now not to expect civility or respectable behavior.
who cares if he thinks you’re cheating? or he’s saying it to try and make you feel guilty.
get divorced and stop worrying about his nonsense
Only engage with him through your lawyer and his lawyer. If you have kids, use a co-parenting app only to contact him about the kids.
There is nothing YOU can do to control HIM. You can only control your actions. You do not need to discuss anything with him really, decide what you want and put it in your divorce decree. The next step would be to get a therapist so you do have someone to discuss things with and get help to move forward with your life.
What difference does it make if he understands? You’re getting divorced.
It’s far easier to put the blame on a fictional affair than to accept responsibility that he created this crisis himself.
I agree with just shutting down communication. Pretty soon he won’t be your problem anymore. And you could move on and not deal with this gaslighting and manipulative behavior from him.