Hi all,
Forgive the indulgence but I need to explain a bit about me before I get to my question, I’m not looking for sympathy or advice on my situation it’s just relevant to my question.
I’m a 38M with little or no experience of relationships, still a V and only kissed 2 women. The closest I have gotten to having a relationship were 2 friendships that I wanted to take further but in both cases my feeling weren’t reciprocated. In hindsight I spent too long trying to make them something they weren’t.
I have taken the view that I need to improve myself before I can expect anyone to want to be with me and to do it for myself primarily not as a means to an end.
But my question is: is it really worth it? I see so many posts here along the lines of “we’ve been married for 2/5/10yrs and I want out / partner has had an affair / I just don’t love them anymore I don’t know why”. As I say, I’m improving myself for me primarily but beyond that, as someone who is really shy and finds the whole idea of dating faintly terrifying for that reason – I’m starting to wonder if the juice is worth the squeeze. It’s going to take so much out of me even to attempt it. The idea that I’ll find someone at all is looking unlikely right now but I can just see myself finally finding them, being together for a while and then suddenly finding myself on the receiving end of one of the above scenarios. I feel like I’d never be able to relax or let my guard down.
I get that those on this sub-reddit are likely not a representative sample of society as a whole but I guess I’m just hoping to hear from what I hope are the silent majority who found someone, fell in love, got married and are still happy.
Side note: I don’t know how I feel about having kids (probably 75/25 against) partly because they seem to be the catalyst to a lot of breakups. (and I’m relatively old now) It’s almost like once you’ve had kids mother nature doesn’t care what happens to you anymore.
TLDR: I keep seeing post after post, story after story, about couples where there’s infidelity, boredom, dislike or straight up hatred, As someone who hasn’t had a relationship yet (at 38) and will have to make a huge amount of effort to get there – is it really worth it?
Comments
I guess it depends on what you value. Every relationship you have involves risk to some extent or another. I like having a partner, but I was mostly single until my mid 30s. Just never felt like anyone I was with was the kind of person I wanted to take that risk/put that investment in for. So far, so good.
I had a lot of short term relationships and flings that we both knew weren’t going to be more than that going into it. I found that helpful for demystifying the whole concept of a relationship, and it helped me figure out what were red flags and green flags for me in a potential partner.
I don’t know if you value the whole virginity/waiting until marriage thing though since that’s a pretty personal choice. I never did, but I get other people have other views on it.
I’d say don’t be so afraid of breakups that you miss out on being in a relationship. It’s worth trying at least once. Or try something casual if you’re not opposed to it. Sometimes it’s nice to just have fun.
It’s worth it if you want it.
Can I ask why you haven’t ever had a relationship? Apart from the 2 people you mentioned, have you not tried to date at all? Im just curious.
You’re on a subreddit dedicated to helping people having issues in their relationship.
So you aren’t going to see a “I’ve been married 3 years and my partner is perfect in every way! Just sharing :)!”
With that being said. I’ve been with my now wife for almost 15 years. I grew up with her (high school sweethearts). We’ve had kids together. Had our son die and went through that trauma together. We bought a house together. We’ve received notices that our electricity would be cut off. We’ve done remodels on the house. We’ve worked on home projects our self. We’ve learned to cook together. We are raising our son together (and all the challenges that come with it).
We have both worked from home for almost 12 years now. So everyday we are together. That means no escapes when we fight.
It has been an absolute joy. It’s worth every struggle. She really is my best friend. We game together, we drink together, we exercise together, we cook together. I could go on forever. But yeah. It’s worth it.
I think some people want relationships and some don’t. I think a lot of people just kind of go along the relationship elevator because society tells them they should/should want to (including having kids). People also tend to start dating for funsies and then develop relationship inertia and just kind of continue on with people who were never good matches to begin with. I think that’s where you get a lot of the issues and dissatisfaction you see on here. I think it’s good that you’re introspecting on what you actually want. Once you know what you want, you have the best chance of actually finding it.
I actually wanted to find someone to cohabitate with, be married to and have a kid with and spend my life with. However, I also wanted a non-monogamous relationship because that’s what’s right for me. I got that. We have been together 7 years (and have a 5 year old) and overall it’s great. It’s had ebbs and flows as is natural in life. But we’re a great team. We like each other a lot, have similar values and work together incredibly well. We’re also equally committed to working through things and growing and supporting each other in our own individual lives. Even in my hardest times, I’ve never once wished I was with anyone else. Even in their hardest times, I never wanted to be with anyone else. Sometimes life sucks but I’d rather it suck with them than without. We’re also going through a renewal of our romantic connection and it’s wonderful! It’s so fun to get to know them and rediscover them at every stage of life.
This reddit (and reddit in general) is skewed towards people who have problems. I have never once posted on here about my relationship. I have no need.
It doesn’t sound like you’re all that interested in having a relationship or sex. So for you, it may not be ‘worth it’. That’s totally ok. Walk your own path. Find out what a ‘good life’ is for you and get that.
It’s worth it if you’re mature enough (emotionally, mentally, psychologically) and meet someone alike where it counts — think core values & principles, not perfection or a carbon copy of your personality or personal interests! — who‘s willing to show up, commit and grow (in) the relationship alongside you — every day.
Everyone has to ask themselves in every relationship if it’s worth it knowing that it could lead to heartbreak (and as you get older and more committed, to logistical complications and financial problems), and I think you would find that most people will say that experiencing love and partnership is absolutely worth the risks. Personally I think that’s what life is all about, and I’ve been devastated by breakups but was still willing to marry my husband because going through life with him means more to me than not doing that just on the off chance it doesn’t work out down the line.