Hi, this has been weighing heavily on my mind and on my gf’s
We’re great together, been together 3 and a half year, lived together now for 1 year so of course the topic came up of having a kid. She had mentioned it in the past but I never thought it was like a deal breaker for her. All her friends are either pregnant, were pregnant or trying for kids as we speak so she has super hot baby fever at the moment and really wants kids, well at least A kid.
I’m really not sure, I’m already tired all the time, my patience is zero because of work and past life experiences. I know i would make a good dad but honestly, I’m just not feeling it at all.
It’s been about a month now that there is this akwardness in the house because when the subject came up a month ago, she really REALLY was hurt and cried like crazy for the whole weekend.
To be clear, we have spoken about it in the past, but my answers were always vague and always sort of like , let’s take it one step at a time and then we’ll see, but the truth is I think I knew from the get go I didnt want any but I was too scared to really say anything out of fear of losing her.
Like I said, we get along super well, tons of trips and adventures together, were still very affectionate towards each other, our sex life isnt perfect, but which couple is perfect? right?
I’m pretty sure according to her best friends boyfriend, that she is planning to leave me if I don’t respond soon with a positive answer, her biological clock is ticking so I don’t think she will stay with me If I refuse to have a kid.
Also to add, she is my second serious gf in all my life and I’ve never had to have these conversations or concerns so when she was bringing it up prior and my answers were vague, it wasnt with bad intent, I just didnt realize how SERIOUS the conversation needed to be.
We now own a house together, it’s a beautiful house but we will definitly have to sell it if we split and I’ll probably have to go back to my dads basement AT 40 YEARS OLD. And start all over from scratch.
In my heart and soul I know that I should NOT have a kid for the sake of keeping her so I’m just gutted inside, our relationship seems, at this point, like it was destined to fail.
Have any of you wanted kids really badly and your SO did not and you ended up staying together? How was that like? Did the resentment ever go away?
Anyways, thanks for reading im just completely lost. 🙁
I can add more details if need be there is just so much to unpack.
TL;DR: MY gf wants a kid, i dont, its probably going to end our relationship. What should i do?
Comments
If you don’t want a kid and she does then you’re not compatible and it’s better to end it.
I thought I was indifferent to children but when my partner brought up possibly having one, I freaked out and that was the start of the end for me.
Unfortunately, it appears that your relationship has run its course. The best course of action is to end it amicable, and start the healing journey for both of you.
>> To be clear, we have spoken about it in the past, but my answers were always vague and always sort of like , let’s take it one step at a time and then we’ll see, but the truth is I think I knew from the get go I didnt want any but I was too scared to really say anything out of fear of losing her.
I mean, you need to be honest with her and end the relationship.
If you have to ask “did the resentment ever go away,” I’m sorry but that’s not actually the question you need to be asking.
This is a fundamental, lifestyle-defining mismatch of your desired futures. If your futures point in opposite directions, it’s better not to continue wasting both of your time. What if it takes thirty years for the resentment to fade from a daily torturous thing to more of a background mourning that only flares up when her friends’ kids celebrate milestones? What if it takes twenty? What if it takes ten? We only get one lifetime. How short is short enough for you to blanket a chapter of hers with pain?
Yeah, this is incompatible and at your age, you already know & is not fair to put more time in. It’s sad but children are not something you can compromise on, and it is a process with an expiration date. And that date for her is now.
So …
> but my answers were always vague and always sort of like , let’s take it one step at a time and then we’ll see
Your position is that because you kept punting every time a serious topic came up that you should be given the point?
Dude: Grow the fuck up. That your option when you sell the house is to live in your dad’s basement is yet another sign that you need to grow the fuck up. I don’t care how you ended up in such a position where you are mentally and financially a teenager – but it’s pretty shitty that your girlfriend is stuck with you growing up.
But to get the obvious out of the way: do not have a child as a way of holding onto the relationship.
If you’re not wanting kids and she wants kids, this is a breakup.
You need to let her go. It was selfish to push the conversation off for nearly four years so you could get the relationship you wanted, and she’s completely justified in leaving. You should (obviously) not have kids for that reason & all the ones you’ve listed.
When you think about starting over at 40, think about starting over as someone who’s capable of being honest with himself and those he cares about.
She for sure should have been explicit about kids being a deal-breaker, but you should have had the guts to tell her you didn’t want any. There’s not really anything left to do here except exit with grace.
You’ve done both of you a disservice by being vague and now you’ve both paid the ultimate price: you’ve wasted precious time. Be honest and tell her you do not want and will not have children with her. Then let her move on to find someone that wants that with her. You are not compatible. Move on and stop wasting her time.