40s, Indian, mother – Stuck in a terrible marriage

I’m an Indian woman in my 40s. I have a wonderful daughter who is currently pursuing her postgraduate studies abroad. I’m incredibly proud of her. She is brave, kind, and full of dreams. But behind this pride is a truth I rarely speak about: my life has been deeply lonely and painful for over two decades.

My marriage has never brought me happiness. My husband, now a retired government official, has never truly cared for me. He has never been supportive, emotionally present, or responsible, not for me or even our daughter. We barely talk, and there is no bond between us anymore. We simply exist in the same house.

It has been years since I’ve felt any kind of physical intimacy. I can’t even remember the last time I shared a good kiss or felt held with love. I long for those moments. Just simple human closeness, a touch filled with affection, someone to make love with not just physically but emotionally too. But it feels like I’ve been invisible for a long time now.

My mother-in-law has made things even worse. She is manipulative and cruel, and has caused so much damage in the family. All of my husband’s brothers are divorced, mostly because of her. Somehow, I’m the only one who stayed, but I often wonder at what cost.

I gave up my career years ago when my daughter was young and ill. I don’t regret that part. I wanted to be there for her completely. But I could never restart my professional life, and that made me financially dependent on this family. I was treated terribly back then, until my daughter grew up and started standing up for me. While she was around, they backed off a bit. But now that she is abroad, it has all started again.

Still, I endure it all for her. Because they are funding her education, and this is the only family she has known. I can’t risk her future, even if it means sacrificing my peace every single day.

But inside, I ache. I wish I had someone. Someone who loved me, cared for me, whom I could trust, laugh with, cry with. Someone who would just hold me tight and say, “You’re not alone.” I wish I knew what it felt like to be loved the way I see in movies or books. Not even grand gestures. Just a good kiss, a caring touch, an honest conversation. It hurts to be called a good or beautiful person, because all I feel is: what’s the use of it, when I’ve never been truly loved?

I don’t really know why I’m posting this. Maybe I just needed to say it out loud. Maybe I want to feel heard. Maybe I want to remind myself that I still matter, even if it doesn’t feel like it sometimes.

Just felt like venting it out…