My wife has PMDD. She does not seek treatment and does not acknowledge her behavior for the last 7 days of her 21-22 day cycle. It’s actually really really bad if this diagnosis is suggested by anyone- so I’ve given up on the idea of her engaging in treatment. Although the pattern is extremely predictable and I compulsively track her phases- I’m not perfect and her behavior can be hurtful, infuriating, or catch me off-guard and the conflict pathway usually leads to me becoming increasingly emotionally dysregulated with her communication style and/or leaving to create space to prevent her from ignoring my boundaries.
Just about anything can degrade into a vicious escalation- if I can’t fully anticipate how my words are going to impact her or if I can’t fully guarantee that I can control her environment or immediately defuse any surprise or personal attack from her, conflict usually escalates the point where it results in attacks on my character, threats and provoking (lunging at me to throw her body in front of me if I try to leave, spitting in my face or calling me by my dead dad’s name, calling me unhinged/non-functional, etc.), a few hours of physical separation, and sometimes her utilization of crisis or emergency services saying that she’s worried about my safety (this happens when she loses control- most recently when I left the house and blocked her to stop her from verbally attacking me).
She uses lots of really problematic language and behavior- blame-shifting, weaponinzing my mental health, calling me names, mocking me, telling me how worthless I am and how much she deserves better treatment, DARVO, narrative control, surveillance of text/email/phone, emotional hostage taking, relationship threats, forcing me to say I’m abusive or manipulative in order to end silent treatment, etc… honestly, I have put a lot of work into how handle all of this and have become much more non-reactive (for real, I can be a grey rock for a while), but when she either doesn’t stop or when she starts saying that I’m the one doing all those behaviors to her, I eventually melt down.
In addition to the blaming and (false) accusations, she refuses to acknowledge any of her part in how our relationship goes- like she won’t even agree that she is 50% of any relationship dynamics.
I need to do a better job keeping myself together. What tricks do you have to try to stay grounded or regulated in this situation- like, less hurt/hateful? What can I do to preserve how I think of her when she acts in such absurd ways- especially if there is never any acknowledgement or repair efforts on her part?
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When my wife started going thru the change, her behavior is pretty much why you have described. I finally told either get help to get out. And I was dead serious and she knew it. Finally got help
You don’t deserve this type of treatment. She needs to address the condition
Have you asked her why? Why she doesn’t want treatment, why she thinks it’s ok to hurt you and why she doesn’t want to be better or feel better?
The problem isn’t how you’re handling it. The problem isn’t her hormone dysregulation. The problem is her inability to take accountability for her abusive behavior, or have empathy for how all of this is affecting you.
She’s supposed to love you. And her actions contradict that. She’s destroying you, and if she loved you, she would get whatever help she needs to make it stop. But she doesn’t. And abuse always escalates.
You don’t need to explain to her that she’s hurting you; she knows. You don’t need to explain to her that she needs to stop; she knows.
Call the police ahead of time and let them know she’s abusive, that you’re leaving, and that if she calls pretending to be worried about you, they already know the situation.
OP, separate PMDD from abuse here. Many have pmdd, doesnt mean they justify taking it out on others. You dont need to walk on eggshells and yes, her abuse will ultimately lead to you resenting her, until she straightens up (her job) or you protect yourself and gtfo
Friend, sorry, but you’re in an abusive relationship and you need to exit it. There isn’t even an excuse with PMDD because she’s not trying to get better. She is perfectly happy with abusing you. Again, she is perfectly happy abusing you. You deserve better than this.
I have PMDD and I do not behave this way with my partner. Your wife has more of an issue than PMDD – the PMDD is likely just exaggerating it. It’s no excuse and you do not have to put up with this.
Bro I would hate her too. She’s abusing you. Whether there is a partial reason for her behavior or not, she’s allowing it to continue and doing nothing to help. Unacceptable. You’re worth more than the way you’re being treated. Personally? I would separate until she gets help, at the very least. But I would honestly be rethinking the entire relationship overall.