I (45M) and have been with my girlfriend (35F) coming up to 2 years and she moved in with me 6 months ago. She was with a guy for 6 months or so before me, but there was a gap of nearly 6 months between that relationship ending and us starting.
The relationship ended with her ex because he was a bad communicator and she said it never would have worked long term for that reason, but did admit she fell in love with him. She ended it with him, saying he used to go missing for days and would never open up or talk about anything, and never knew where she stood. They do still sporadically text, nothing flirty or anything, and he has a partner also.
They have both spoken and he has suggested meeting for a coffee or a dog walk to “catch up”. She said the only reason she’d do it is to get some answer and some closure as to his behaviour, which caused her to end things.
She asked how I felt about it. I said I didn’t think it was a good idea. But if it helped with her getting some form of closure, then fine, but I’m not overly happy with it. I trust her. I don’t trust him. It seems he only messages my partner when his girlfriend isn’t around.
My girlfriend said this morning she’s meeting him today, but there’s a chance she won’t get that closure as he doesn’t like a difficult conversation. Sounds like excuses to me. She also said she doesn’t know how she will feel after all this time, and whether she will still be attracted to him. Then to top it off, she said she woke up feeling guilty as she had a dream she cheated on me with him!
I told her I really don’t see the benefit, especially if she doesn’t think she will get this closure, but I don’t want to come across as controlling. If the shoe was on the other foot, I’m confident she wouldn’t be happy, but what can I do? Am I worrying about nothing? As I say, I do trust her and she’s never given me a reason not to
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That would be a dealbreaker for me but she would have known that from our third date. If she needs closure then break up with her. Don’t be a Doormat.
No. She still wants to be with that guy.
Unfortunately you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. All you can do on this one is let her go and just be there to support if it all goes wrong.
Like you said, you can’t force her not to go as that would be controlling and probably wouldn’t work anyway.
Thanks – I’ve been questioning myself, wondering if I’m the bad guy for thinking this isn’t ok…
Tell her honestly that the meeting makes you feel uneasy and worried. Ask her to think about whether it will really help her, or just bring back old feelings
I don’t think you’re wrong to feel that way. I don’t get why she’s bothering, what sort of closure could they possibly need that can’t be said over text? That’s just me though. I personally wouldn’t like my partner seeing their ex for “closure” or to see if they’re still attracted to their ex? It’s not necessary imo
I had my ex approach me on Snapchat at the end of last year after 4 years of no contact and he asked me to meet up with him “to talk because he wanted closure”. I agreed and he picked a spot and time after his shift. Dude was all excited, just as he got off work I went to bed LOL he was texting me the rest of the night asking me when I was going to arrive. He finally got the hint the next morning.
I didn’t really have a great relationship, he really took me for granted and was a jerk to me at times for no reason. So personally I have no desire to have closure from that relationship. I moved on from it. After all he was the one who ghosted me. So I had no interest on what he has to say , again that’s just mr
If you have no reason to distrust your partner, then you have nothing to worry. The ex cannot do anything without her permission.
Your girlfriend seeing a dream that she cheated on you might have very little to do with her harbouring feelings for her ex. Dreams are emotional resolutions your brain comes up with to solve your life problems; it will rarely be logical for the waking consciousness.
From whatever you have shared, there seems to be no real cause for worry w.r.t. your relationship other than overthinking. With her ex, your girlfriend is trying to make sense of why she had to deal with a rejection to which she already fears she may not get a straight answer. To be honest, it seems like it has very little to do with you and your dynamic with her.
There is no good reason for her to meet up with her ex. He didn’t give her closure when they broke up so it shouldn’t matter now. It only matters because she still has feelings for the guy.
What if they meet and he is just as charming as he was before? And she is attracted to him. I feel she would definitely sleep with him, she is already dreaming about it which means it’s on her mind. She would definitely leave you for her ex if he changed and promises to be a better communicator now or lies and tells her what she wants to hear; also for his ego boost that he can get her back if he wanted.
It’s not controlling that you don’t want her to see her ex, it’s commanding respect for you and your relationship.
Still talking to someone you fell in love with “sporadically” while still very much so in a almost two year relationship is truly absurd. What closure is needed we both have new partners, that means that chapter is closed, AKA closure! You are a very kind partner to say the least, because even staying in contact with him is completely disrespectful to you! At this point I wouldn’t trust either of them why is she still holding on to two years or more of this man. Closure is an excuse to still see if there’s a spark with this man when she sees him. Then her stating the cheating dream!?!? She is literally giving pissing on your leg and telling you it’s raining outside. Don’t be deceived.
I’d never in a million years let a boyfriend see his ex and I wouldn’t see mine, you’re not a bad guy here
If she’s still hung up on him after two years, she may never get over him. They should have ceased communication a long time ago. Tell her she can meet him, but only if you accompany her.
In my opinion it is weird to control who your partner meets and who she does not meet.
But in the end, you are the one who decides on who you want to be. Try to think of it from an outside perspective. If you saw a movie with a couple in your situation, how would you react to the different possible behaviours of the man?
Would you think he was a “doormat” if he said “sure, go and meet him. I trust you!”? Would you think he was overly controlling if he said “No, you can’t see him, you’re with me now” (or whatever way you are considering doing this)
It’s just one meeting. I highly doubt anything will happen. I’d be concerned if they saw each other again, though.
She’s not over him! Just end it!
Ur not a bad guy. She is seeking the attention of the guy she still has feelings for. She may love you but she also still is caught up in him. Take it from someone who has done this before and DID cheat on my boyfriend because of this (I’m not proud of it, this was a very long time ago though and obviously learned from it). I wanted to know he somehow felt the same way I did. I kept in contact with him, “caught up” with him, and wanted “closure” too. She may not be outwardly doing it because she is using the guise of communicating with to u, but she is emotionally cheating on u. Ur not the bad guy. I know this doesn’t feel great to hear but I’m just being honest as someone who was in her shoes before and did those things.
she ended it, and needs closure? wtf? ynta.
End it. Shes still hung up on him. You don’t meet up with an ex. Nope. Ask her to move out
Your relationship will be full with strife and she doesn’t love you enough. She’s care more for herself than you. Just break up now. She has a bad habit of living with with people she isn’t married to. Such a bad idea. Although, the main issue may lie in your concept of marriage and relationship. It lends itself to failing as it’s built on nothing. What binds you together? You live together but, you’re separate. If you get married you’ll live together and suddenly not be separate. This will in itself open up a can of worms.
Bottom line, her going to meet this guy shows she isn’t the one but, you’ve made things complicated by over committing. This is going to suck stay or go, this will be challenging. There is no closure needed. She’s with someone else. That’s her closure. Sorry OP. Gotta live and learn friend.
You’re not a bad guy.
I was in a similar situation and desperately wanted closure from a relationship that ended many years ago. He had reached out to tell me he “still cared” so he wanted to meet in person. Turns out he is married now but claims it is in name only. Wonder if his wife knows that? He never gave me the closure, wouldn’t own up to what he did, and he was looking for a hookup.
My current partner saw right through this and so did my therapist.
Sometimes we don’t get closure.
It’s inappropriate. Sounds like you were a rebound for her.
Some people remain friendly with exes, some never talk to them again. It sounds as though you and your GF have been honest with each other—I mean, could she have met with him without telling you? Presumably. You told her how you feel. I’d say wait to see what she says after seeing him. There’s always the possibility that she’ll realize how much better off she is now, and seeing the guy who doesn’t communicate will make her appreciate the one who does.
Why are allowing this meeting to happen? They dated for 6 months. She should be over it by now. Who needs closure for such a short relationship? She still feelings and he’s test driving the old flame to see if it burns brighter for him than the current partner.
I would ask her not to go. If she insists, then I would wish her all the best for the future and find another partner.
You’re the worst kind of bad guy, you’re bad against yourself. Trust your gut, it’s ok not liking that she still has feelings she wants to explore with an ex.
Thanks for the advice all. She’s always been very transparent with me, maybe overly so! This is one of the many reasons I trust her. She’s open with her phone, shows me messages. I’ve seen the messages with this ex, nothing flirty whatsoever. But yeah, the thing nagging away at me is her saying she won’t know how she feels when she sees him again, will she find him attractive etc. from my perspective, why even put yourself in that position? And if she doesn’t get the closure she wants (she won’t), will there be talk of a second meet? That would be unacceptable for me, that’s crossing the line (if this isn’t already!)
it is on her mind, so a quick coffee is fine really and it sounds like unresolved issues on her part. You’re not the bad guy, whatever will happen will happen. You know your relationship.
Why are they still texting if he’s such a bad communicator? He was cheating on her, he’s looking to cheat on his current partner with her.
She’s over sharing with you, regardless whether she got closure from him, she’s in a relationship with you, one she should be minding, so why is she going to meet him? Be prepared for more to unfold, that story isn’t over.